Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Murphy Scrambles To Salvage Floundering Commander Bunny Campaign

Secures Last Place Finish by Hare-Thin Margin
Bunny Clinches Spot Firmly Behind Rights Activist Fred Karger
Hare Confesses "I'd rather be atop Perry in the polls."

Brown Nose the Pirate, Staff Writer Troll
Radio Paranoia News Disservice/Sept. 28, 2011


As the crazy-train campaign of Commander Bunny continues to run off the rails, we were granted a rare look inside the political machine of the perennial presidential-hope(ful)less and psychiatric ward escapee.

Meanwhile, suffering a meltdown rivaling that of opponent Rick Perry (aka "Flubber" and "Bush Zero") during the recent Republican debates, Commander Bunny added the names of several figures from the shortwave pirate scene to his ever growing enemies list, further alienating his dwindling support base.

Inside the WBNY studio, the bunnyman was photographed having an apparent nervous breakdown, sitting on the floor wearing a diaper, tissue boxes on his feet and with what appeared to be a growth of hair, beard and fingernails untrimmed since his failed 2008 campaign and subsequent confinement in an insane asylum, where he was remanded after courts ruled he was unfit to stand trial as the notorious Virginia Bunny Man, but otherwise fit to run for public office. Small rodents were visible nesting in his beard.

"Look at this list of enemies of pirate radio! Look, here's proof!" he sputtered, holding up what appeared to be a length of feces-soiled toilet paper. "They're ruining my fun! It used to be that only I was allowed to abuse other pirates and listeners! Now they're fighting back, daring to oppose me. Even worse, they're LAUGHING AT ME!!!" The disconsolate rabbit buried his face in the "list" and moaned "Shit-shit-shit, the whole thing stinks!"

"Ah-ha!" he squeaked, plucking a dried bit of fecal material from the toilet paper 'list'. "I give them names, you know," he confided.

"Such as?", the reporter asked.

"Such as... names of enemies," he murmured, staring at the fecal pellet. "I'll call this one... 'Guise'," he concluded, and popped the turd into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully.

Asked if he could elucidate any coherent policies that might regain supporters, the Commander yelped "My health care plan! Mandatory mxyomatosis vaccines!"

When it was pointed out that mxyomatosis affects only lagomorphs, the Rodent Revolution's prime candidate screamed "Here! Have a goddam QSL package!" then dug into his diaper and flung brown M&Ms at the reporter. Upon examination the brown pellets turned out to be cecotropes, each personally expelled and individually autographed by the bunnyman.

"They're nutritious and flavorful," he whispered confidentially, shoveling pawsful into his mouth. His eyes widened and glistened with that irresistible cuteness beloved by anime fans and hunters. Through muffled sobs he moaned "I only wanted to share. Don't hate me because I'm so hareful."

"How do you explain your many attacks on pirate radio operators and fans?", asked a reporter. "You've used multiple sockpuppets to dominate the FRN - to which you confessed in your blog earlier this year, before deleting your confession. You've trolled other pirate radio websites and usenet to flame rivals, using sockpuppets named Beans, RF Burnz, lovemyradios, Bouncer, Thumper, Mosby, and too many others to list.

Asked to explain the increasingly bizarre behavior and hypocritical actions... Pat Murphy, snapped, presciently, "I don't know myself anymore."

"You've flamed, lied about and attempted to expose well liked pirate radio operators such as Radio Ga-Ga and Doc John. You used the pseudonym 'Bob Smith' in an attempt to expose Doc John and have his station shut down. You've gloated over the FCC actions toward John Poet of The Crystal Ship, and
unnecessarily repeated his personal information on your blog, including exposing his family to your temper tantrums. You've been caught harassing and lying about many shortwave pirate listeners. You've given tacit approval to your henchman Vice Presidential candidate Kracker's abuses of other pirates and listeners. You're accused of abusing access to IP information for FRN members, and abusing access to names and mailing addresses for your ebay sales of WBNY memorabilia through a Virginia based vendor.

"You've repeatedly accused Artie Bigley of reporting TCS to the FCC yet you have never provided a shred of credible evidence - and the so-called evidence you did provide proved to have been clumsily falsified by you. Do you believe at this point there is any hope of protecting what little remains of your legacy, let alone winning an election?"

"I can't hear you, can't-hear-you, can't-hear-you," Commander Bunny chanted, stuffing wads of feces-soiled toilet paper into his long ears. "Nyah-nyah-nyah!!!"

Behind the scenes, the bunnyman's handlers admit they're struggling to replace the alienated pirate radio operators and fans.

"Nobody in his right mind would post to the FRN unless they were behind 7 proxies," a nasty, rumor-mongering cowardly anonymous source disclosed. "Commander Bunny can't sell his pogey bait - T-shirts, refrigerator magnets, pens - because no one trusts his ebay sales. So he's forced to give away expensive trinkets hoping to bribe someone... anyone... into praising him for his attack-rabbit style."

"We've struck a deal with the government to release Somali pirates-cum-fashion models into our custody for the duration of the campaign," the cowardly anonymous source confided. "The Somalis have bred generations of fierce pirates who know nothing other than constant warfare, exploiting their own people and preying on unwary passersby. Which should make for a good match with Commander Bunny, who seeks conflict where none exists. With luck, this will help the volume of logs to the FRN without having to resort to sockpuppets. At least until CB alienates the next group of listeners and pirates."

However, a US State Department spokesmodel said, "There must be some confusion. The Somalis we're releasing believe they're going to be fed." Assured the Somalis would not be charged with cannibalism for eating wild hare in the event ransom demands for Commander Bunny was refused, the Somali pirates were en route to the WBNY studio for luncheon.

Asked to explain the increasingly bizarre behavior and hypocritical actions of his charge ward client, Commander Bunny's Hasenpropagandaministerium, Pat Murphy, snapped, presciently, "I don't know myself anymore."

"Now, if you don't mind," said Murphy, "I'm busy manipulating multiple sockpuppets to keep Commander Bunny's name on the cutting edge of humiliatingly public celebrity meltdown. It's a full time job, making a complete mess of a hard-earned legacy, but with my experience as an aggressive, confrontational commercial broadcast radio talk show host playing fast and loose with facts, turncoat political consultant and abrasive commentator on Hampton Roads, Virginia, regional politics, I'm the man for the job."

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Happy Belated "Talk Like A Pirate Day"!

From Radio Paranoia
Dishing With Dea

Treasured readers, your radio Pheme can scarcely believe Guise Faux forgot "Talk Like A Pirate Day"! Heavens to hares, had we not just returned from a lovely summer holiday on Manitou Island, all might be lost.

We'll make this short but sweet, darlings, because it doesn't take a clutter of random images off the internet and a spittalion of blurt-bunny rabbit-rants to make a point.

To talk like a pirate, all you need do is declaim as loudly and as often as you may... "YOU'RE RUINING PIRATE RADIO!"

Now then, darling bunnyman, simply click your little rear paws together three times, then lather, rinse and repeat until it finally seems true... to you, and to Noone else.

'Til next time, darlings, pray for sunspots. Pray! you heathens, pray harder!

Dea Fauxnette is a sight-impaired but sharp-eared correspondent for Tales of Radio Paranoia. Don't try to sneak anything past her. She heard you coming before you got started.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


>Implying there's an epigraph this week.

Philosophical epistle by Wing Commander Bunny

Commander Bunny is going to love this blog entry. First, because it starts with the sacred and ineffable haregrammaton "Commander Bunny" in large bold-face letters. Second, because it mentions Commander Bunny twice in the first two sentences. Third, because it mentions Commander Bunny four times in the first paragraph. As it damned well should.

By the way, did you know Blogger limits blog post titles to only 150 characters? That puts a serious damper on our ability to parody a typical WBNY blog post. CB's blog entry titles alone are usually longer than a typical Sarah Palin tweet, and slightly more sensible.

But first, to begin our Salute to Commander Bunny, former "pirate" and now Master "Blogger"... image that has naught to do with anything...




NO QUESTION ABOUT IT this sentence has a different font!!!

Oh they all have excuses for using weird for-
matting and in-
erable unfinished THOUGHTS!!!

But NO- ONE can DENY that this old woman saw you MASTICATING in PUBLIC!!! at Golden Corral!!! in ENID OK UNITED STATES OF AMERICA LIBRARY OF UN -NATURAL CONGRESS!!! And PREACHER-CASE sidewalk pamphleteerings!

And all because they TELL LIES while they hide (but you can't hide you can run but you can't make sense of THIS next) behind their cowardly COMM- une- ICATION
TRANSMISSION macHINES!!! Telling!!! LIES!!! and making (you should not be ruining Foolish Leeches OF Pirates Scurrying Yesterday (FLOPSY) with your so-called INTERNETS!) good bloggers crazier than Francis E. Dec!!!

AND NOW THERE IS THIS NEW INFESTATION OF wanna-be DNS interweb THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND in Joplin United States of What-the-hell-happened-to-my-Furry Rabbit Nutwork???

Who broke my FRN's?

Why does so-called POETry ruin my FRN's?!?!

Unquestionably! Pirates trying to "blog" when they should be doing their piratings!! WRONGLY!!! Ruining what
should be a "fun hobby" (for the REAL "bloggers")?!?

And proof! You Say!?! Of the non-blogging "pirates" ruining the bloggings for the REAL "bloggers"? HERE IS YOUR PROOF!!!

Who! And WHY?
And sense!! This makes NONE!!!

Your regularly irregular Tales of Radio Paranoia will return soon... soon as the medication kicks in. And a huge THANKS! to our readers - ToRP clicked over 20,000 page views on Labor Day weekend! We hope you've enjoyed it as much as we have. --GF

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Happy Birthday, 9/11

"Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away." -- Abraham Lincoln, Second Inaugural Address

Hey, Li'l 9/11, happy 10th birthday! You're from good stock, and one of Daddy Warbucks' favourite orphans. We radio conspiracy theorists remember you from when you were just a gleam in William Cooper's eye. Ah, the Hour Of The Time - the undisputed king of conspiracy theory radio. I miss that era. Tom Valentine and Radio Free America. Chuck Harder and For The People. Texe Marrs. Bo Gritz. Col. Prouty.

Remember your older siblings? Ruby Ridge in 1992. And 1993 was a big year: the first World Trade Center bombing; Waco and the Branch Davidians. Oklahoma City and the Murrah federal building in 1995. Ah, those were the good ol' days of radio-driven paranoid conspiracy theories and firebrand revolutionary patriotism, before Rudy Giuliani couldn't open his mouth without invoking 9/11, and Alan Jackson hadn't yet become his own South Park parody.

Nine-Eleven, we know you've been shuffled from home to home like a difficult foster child, paraded around like a trophy, and used as an excuse to feed an insatiable war machine. We know you were abused during your formative years. Sorry about that. The presidents kept telling us you got those black eyes from falling down because you were an "awkward kid." Now we know better.

But to make up for all that, America has prepared a great party. We'll be chattering about you all day so we can sell more advertising. Politicians will promise to take you places - well, mostly out of places we don't want to be anymore - but it'll always be "maybe later." And we made all kinds of commemorative gifts.

So, happy 10th birthday, 9/11. Hope you like crap!

"I'm quite surprised that they have not as yet released their 9/11 line of commemorative coins, plates, tee shirts, souvenir spoons and jewelery!" --18 August 2011, reader

Oh, nice going, internet. Look what you made HSN do:

Home Shopping Network pimps commemorative coin.

One ounce of silver for for only $139.95? And they donate $10 to the National September 11 Memorial and Museum? Such a deal.

There are even tutorials online with tips for patriotic people who are interested in collecting 9/11 coins. I'll summarize the salient bits of each tutorial:
  1. Buy enough genuine silver or gold 9/11 commemorative coins or medals to make the effort worthwhile. At one ounce each, a dozen should do nicely.
  2. Stack them with a small sheet of archival paper between each coin, and wrap the stack in an archival paper wrapper - available from any numismatist.
  3. Slip the wrapped stack of 9/11 commemorative coins into a corrosion resistant stocking - available from fine gun dealers.
  4. Visit a nearby engineering college or convenience store.
  5. Hand the stocking full of wrapped coins to the first dark-skinned man you see at the engineering college or convenience store.
  6. Politely ask the man to swing the stocking around like a bolo and smack you upside the head. Repeat until the sensation of being a sucker disappears.

Or, for the real pirates among you, how about the Nine-Eleven Commemorative Ship of Freedom©. At nearly 13 feet long, 8 feet tall, and 4 feet wide, it's large enough to accommodate remote piloted technology to sail unmanned to Somalia, along with a cargo of enough plastique to help combat the scourge of the cowardly non-broadcasting pirates who are ruining priate radio, and who have stupid nicknames like Big Mouth, White Butt, Small Butt, Butt Butt, Silver Tooth, Red Teeth, Butt Tooth, Abdi the Liar, Said the Tedious, Hizbal Zarhirtin, Krackwhore the Snitch, Brown Nose the Pirate, Yuuz Trollan and Imnaught Trollan.

But how about an alternative to those tacky commemoratives? Support homegrown hare-orism. Buy some WBNY t-shirts with satellite tracking targets, refrigerator magnets with mind control emitters, and QSLs that double as get-out-of-asylum-free cards. Be sure to ask for the Guise Faux special with the giant "WE HEART BLOGGERS" logo. Send the money you saved directly to the most deserving memorial fund. No matter what, you'll always be our favourite sucker real American hero.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Portrait of the Pirate as a Young Dog

"We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! Here's proof: his nose is cold! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more lovable than the mutt." --John Winger, Stripes

The wisest commentary written about the late unpleasantness in the North American shortwave pirate radio scene might be forgotten if the Forlorn Rabbit's Nest, down for the third time this year, doesn't resurface.

And that will not do. So I'm taking the liberty of quoting it here:

Radio Animal

August 09, 2011 22:14

"I see pirate radio as just a big kid, one day it's stormy, but the next day we can all go for ice cream, and everything's fine.

I don't even think there's been much of a change in the scene at all really, even though I've gone through thinking that everything has changed too.

When the scene was like 5 of us and we got together, pumped up on our ideals of free radio, that was a special moment. The scene got much bigger a few years later, I got to thinking that the intimacy and goals of the early scene was getting lost to ops picking on one another, and fighting rather than broadcasting.

Later I realized that free expression was more important, and what I was thinking about was conformity, something that I wouldn't want anyway..."

Radio Animal is - or, rather, was - best known as the fellow behind WKND and as the builder of the low power AM "Grenade" transmitters used by several pirate radio operators since the 1990s, including Radio Free Speech, Radio Pigmeat International, WBNY and others.

During the 1990s, what little I knew of Radio Animal came from an article or advertisement in a radio hobbyist publication. The only fellow I'd ever known named "Animal" was a grizzled fellow who ran a biker bar. "So," I tell myself, "self, just add to the biker image a thick pair of wire rim spectacles, a pocket calculator, a soldering iron and, presto - there's your proto-Radio Animal."

Wrong. Spectacularly wrong. How little I knew of the delightfully eccentric fellow.

"I had that problem with some of the Furries when the story of my name change broke. They got mad when I responded to the media, how dare you give your side of the story, they said. The problem is, there's no real definition of what a 'Furry' is, it's as unique as the individual who calls themselves one.

People achieve a certain level or knowledge in the Fur scene, and they think they know the truth, but their 'truth' is based on something that can't be defined anyway, so it's kind of doomed, you know what I mean? They try to hold on to defend that shaky ground, and it just makes a mess of bad feelings and drama..."

If you hadn't already guessed where this is going, after the above quote, you may have experienced a Sheila Broflovski "Wha-wha-what?" moment. That was written by Boomer, the canine behind WKND (We're K9 Dog), also known as Radio Animal, the builder of the low power AM "Grenade" transmitters used by several pirate radio operators including Radio Free Speech, Radio Pigmeat International, WBNY and others.

To quote from this article:

"After a long hiatus from the pirate/free radio scene, Radio Animal resurfaced in August 2010 after a Pittsburgh court rejected his bid to legally change his name to Boomer the Dog, which he sought to reflect his unique fursonality and canine identity. The media spotlight and YouTube videos briefly captured the attention of the internet, although his affable personality seemed to thwart trolls who appeared to lose interest when they couldn't engage Boomer in online flame wars."
That last sentence is a bit of an understatement. Some of the comments on his YouTube channel were hostile and ugly - even by the low, muckraker standards of Tales of Radio Paranoia.

Having grown up around radio stations (including sheltering in the basement of a radio station during a 1960s hurricane - a peculiar tale in itself), I've seen firsthand the reasons for the expression "A face made for radio", and that was years before realizing the mellow-voiced Garrison Keillor looks like Stephen King's evil twin.

Cosmetically challenged, overweight, blind? No problem. Eccentric, peculiar, even weird? Who cares, history will forgive you. A jackass behind the scenes? Just show up on time for work and bring that golden throat with you. Voice getting a bit wobbly? No worries, as long as you're good at what you do. As with the apocryphal quote about the early Colt percussion cap revolver - "God created men. Colonel Colt made them equal." - radio is the great equalizer.

And those are just mainstream radio personalities. Why should we expect pirate radio personalities to be any less eccentric? Hell, why would we even want them to fit some arbitrary definition of "normal"? The moment I saw that news video from 2010 where Boomer talked about his "puppy ears" I thought... dayum... how can anyone not like this guy? He even defies the self-imposed strictures of some in the furry scene - which is all kinds of ironic. Hell, I dropped acid with more eccentric freaks and hippies in the 1970s. How many of us really dare to be who we are, so openly, and put our money where our mouths muzzles are?

"That's why I like the pirate scene right now, it still seems to value and promote the individual over group thought. I don't know if it always will as it grows, but it's worth thinking about, that if we're here for free radio, free expression could go along with that, the ability to define what's cool to you, and then go out and do it. We still have that, you know.."

--Boomer the Dog

I could blog about the shortwave pirate radio scene for years and never approach Boomer's level of wisdom, tolerance and genuine understanding of what it really means to be ... yourself.

Best of luck, Boomer!

Video zeitgeist: Émilie Simon wants to be your dog