Tuesday, February 14, 2012


A Valentine's Day Plea
by guest correspondent Lana Del Radio

"Hi, baby, it's me. Happy Valentine's Day! Have you missed me? Oh, baby, don't be that way... it's me, your radio bunny, Miss Radio! You know, as in 'Do you or don't you Miss Radio?' And I'd be like, 'Oh, what don't I do!' You used to love that joke. Okay, okay, please don't hang up. I know, I know, you got that restraining order and I'm not gonna talk long, I just wanted to say..."

Did he hang up on me? He did NOT hang up on me! I'll cut myself, I swear I will...

"Hi, baby, me again. I think we got disconnected. Okay, I know sometimes I get crazy. My shortwave signal is kinda fickle, and sometimes I get drunk and behave like a myxomatosis infected rabbit on krack. My FM is mostly same ol', same ol' Classic Rock. Remember that Meat Loaf song we made out to, "Paradise By the Dashboard Light"? Yeah, great song. I don't play that anymore, it's too long. Mostly my FM plays the same Led Zeppelin, Lynyrd Skynyrd and ZZ Top songs I've been playing for 30 years. And my AM is like, all, 'Nyah-nyah-nyah, Obama stinks.' 'Yakkity-yakkity-yakkity, liberals are dumb.' 'Weep-weep-weep, ah jus' luv mah country an' ah fearz fer it!' 'Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, Occupiers are just spoiled trust fund bitches.'

"But I can change, lover, just take me back, I can..."

Did he hang up on me again? He's in there with his fancy web radio bitch, I just know it. I will kill them both! No-no-no, I want to cut myself...

"Do not hang up on me, you bastard! Okay, wait, I didn't mean for it to come out that way, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, you know how kooky I get sometimes, you used to love that about me. Just wait-wait-wait... hey, baby, lover, let me play my new radio theme song for you. Do you like it? It's a big hit... well, on the internet, anyway. I think maybe a local college station played it once. Then they went back to playing that edgy Tom Petty and Springsteen stuff."

Okay, you're rambling, girl, get it together, focus... okay, I'll cut myself just a little... ooohhh... okay, that's better.

"I was just a little hurt that you didn't call me on my special day. World Radio Day, silly! Oh, you never heard about it? What about the Radio Netherlands article? Oh, you didn't hear it because RNW discontinued their broadcasts to North America. Well, what about this Shortwave America blog post? Or this Engineering Radio blog post? Oh, you don't even read articles about radio anymore? What about the e-mail reminder I sent you? My Facebook and Myspace posts? Oh, you're on Google+ now, okay. Or my IM? Oh, you didn't see it? You're on Twitter now, oh... well, what about my post on Google Groups? Oh, you wouldn't go near Uselessnet unless you were behind seven proxies, okay."

Think, radio, think... I've got to win him back. I need him to need me! Without his fawning adoration, and indulgence of my occasional... okay, frequent, temper tantrums, I'm nothing. Oh, I know what'll work...

"That blood on my wrist? Oh, that's nothing - just some routine staff cuts. Hey, did you like that huge unsolicited QSL package I sent, with the t-shirt, ball cap with the LED doodad on the visor, refrigerator magnet and bumper stickers? You like the 'Property of Radio Bunny Dominatrix' logo? See, I posed for you wearing the bunny ears and leather bikini and coax tail sticking out of my...

"Does she let you tickle her rectifier with a cat's whisker? Does she let you shove your big, hot 6L6GC in her socket?"

"Oh, you didn't receive it? Well, okay, I'm just gonna stick them in your mail slot now. Well, yeah, silly, I'm right outside your door now! Okay, the package won't fit. I guess you'll have to open the door. No, no, no, I know, the restraining order... just open the door a crack and I'll slip the package inside. No, no, I won't come in, I'll just, y'know, wait here. I'm good, I'm calm."

Don't screw this up, Miss Radiopants, be cool, be cool...

"Okay, thanks. See, I can be reasonable! Here's the package and... what's that in your hand? Is that an iPhone? Is that the Pandora app?!!? YOU BASTARD, I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU BOTH!!! YOU'RE MINE, DAMMIT, MINE!!!"

Oh, that was stupid-stupid-stupid. Okay, okay, deep breath, Miss Radiopants, you can handle this.

"Baby, wait-wait-wait, don't close the door... this Pandora... she's cute, okay, if you like that boring, predictable high quality audio without the broadcast radio compression and limiting that interferes with the full dynamic range of the original recordings. But does she take requests and dedications? Does she let you tickle her rectifier with a cat's whisker? Does she let you shove your big, hot 6L6GC in her socket? Does she cut her entire staff and replace them with automation, like Jackshit FM? Because I do, baby, I do... all for you. Oh, come on! Work with me here! I'm doing the best I can, what with corporate domination of AM and FM, and poor propagation on shortwave!"