by Pheme Ossa
Senior Discordian Correspondent
Kitsch artist and self-described "Painter of Poo" Thomas Kinkade, 54, died Easter weekend just as detectives were investigating his connection to shortwave pirate radio slandercaster Commander Bunny of WBNY. The notorious Virginia Bunnyman has been under investigation for distributing obscene and libelous materials through the U.S. Postal System.
Kinkade's final diary entry, in a lovingly hand-crafted traditionally bound journal, revealed the artist may have been ill. "Bad Friday. Hope to bounce back Sunday," read the cryptic Easter eve entry written in fountain pen and India ink, $127.99 at any authorized Kinkade gallery, on artisan crafted watermarked paper, $19.99.
Pressured by accusations of fraud, facing bankruptcy and mounting legal bills, Kinkade's most recent commission was Photoshopping heads of "enemies" onto nude male bodies for Commander Bunny, which sources say revealed the Lagomurph's secret gay porn obsession. The Virginia Bunnyman covered his tracks by claiming these were for QSL packages, which sources confirm were mailed to puzzled radio listeners. "I didn't ask for this shit," exclaimed an Ohio DXer. "I've never even heard Commander Bunny's baby monitor broadcasts. Nobody has beyond his own backyard hutch." Added the baffled pirate radio fan, "I"m burning this crap before I get arrested."
"Commander Bunny apparently thought I did pervy porn because he misspelled my name 'Kink Aid'," the self-described 'Painter of Poo' told investigators recently. "Commander Bunny had discussed a commission painting him as a nude crucified messiah of pirate radio," Kinkade revealed in affidavits. "He seemed to want to emphasize these would be nudes because he capitalized and underlined the words 'Commander Bunny', 'Nude', 'Messiah' and 'Lucifer's Testicles'."
Wikipedia entry for Thomas Kinkade, 'Painter of Poo', April 7, 2012
Kinkade died during a peaceful slumber, a single perfect aromatic candle burning nearby and casting a warm orange glow through his mountain cottage window, where the light glistened across a snow covered garden 'neath a crystal clear sheltering sky bathed in full moonlight on a beautiful Easter eve.
The angelic ghost of Bob Ross paused a moment from painting happy trees to welcome Kinkade to his heavenly reward. Grandmothers and great aunts across the nation joined in mutual mourning.
In a darker side to this story, police speculated Kinkade may have been murdered. His body was covered in Peeps marshmallow residue and traces of Easter basket grass were found in his nostrils. Authorities suspect he may have been murdered to prevent him from revealing the Bunnyman's plot to hide his gay porn distribution and blackmail business under the guise of mailing QSL packages. Documents - written in flowing calligraphy on finest parchment ($17.99 per 10 sheets) - seized by police from a lovely oaken rolltop desk ($1,449.99) in Kinkade's cottage, indicate the painter had discovered the Lagomurph planned to use his QSL porn distribution to blackmail recipients into revealing the names and locations of all shortwave pirate radio operators and listeners.
Unavailable for coherent comment at press time, Commander Bunny recently admitted in a work request found in the artist's home that he had become obsessed with what he described as "the chiseled abs, well toned calves and shapely buttocks of a certain Michigan pirate and West Virginia scofflaw." Sources who are uncomfortably close to the Lagomurph say he had apparently become conflicted due to his simultaneous infatuation and revulsion over finding himself attracted to fearless outlaws and men who flout the petty laws of polite society.
Investigators say they have found evidence that Kinkade's death might be linked to an attempt by the notorious Virginia Bunnyman to cover his tracks. As of press time, investigators were searching through closets throughout the Hampton Roads, VA, and North Carolina Outer Banks region. "We've found evidence of the Bunnyman's presence in several closets," said a detective, holding up baskets full of Lucifer's Testicles, known to be one of Commander Bunny's addictions. Attendees to the 2010 SWL Winterfest reported seeing the lonely Lagomurph sitting at a table hawking t-shirts, refrigerator magnets and bumper stickers, and asking male DXers to pose for Polaroids.
Web traffic patterns indicate The Furry Rabbit Nuthugger's website, formerly known as the Free Radio Network, experienced a sharp increase in hits from Russian porn mob sites, the FCC and a number of Westboro Baptist Church Castrato Choir members in response to Commander Bunny's use of the FRN to solicit trafficking of his obscene and libelous "Easter QSL packages".
Commander Bunny of WBNY trafficking in obscene and libelous materials on the FRN,
described by sources as his "Furry Rabbit Nuthugger" porn site.
Details and photos will be added to this story as they become available.
"The Passion of the Lagomurph" by Thomas Kinkade, his final painting
