FAQ

Letters, we get letters, we get stacks and stacks of letters.

Q. WTF?
A. Tales of Radio Paranoia is a commentary about radio in the form of parody and satire. Topics/targets may or may not include some of the often-ignored niche realms of pirate, clandestine and non-commercial radio, particularly those with a political, cultural or mysterious slant.

Q. Aren't you...
A. Milhouse? No, we are not and never will be a meme. But we are often mistaken for him/her/it, and are flattered/baffled/disappointed that you would think so highly/unkindly/not at all of us.

Q. Did you remix my audio without my permission?
A. Possibly. Was it offensive? If so, that was probably us. If you liked the remix, it was probably someone else who actually knew what they were doing.

Q. Why do you hate pirate radio?
A. We don't. We love pirate radio. It's the most fun we can have with your pants on. Unless you're Charlie Sheen. We believe it's strong enough to withstand humorous scrutiny of its foibles and parodies of its quirks. Also, after we're done with your pants they should be autoclaved.

Q. You're just that malcontent we banned/chased away.
A. That describes several dozen people. But, no, that's not us. We're still in ur base pwning ur d00ds.

Q. Why are you hurting the pirates?
A. We're not. Carefully remove the log from your eye, the stone from your shoe, the gigantic bug from your rectum and apply soothing ointment between your cheeks. There. A little lower... lower... that's it. Isn't that better? This will usually relieve the self-inflicted butthurt you are mistaking for personal malice directed by outside influences. Now go wash your hands.

Q. You're a nasty, slack-jawed, lip-drooling, knuckle-dragging...
A. Oh, you sweet talker, we bet you say that to all the girls.

Q. So who/what is Radio Paranoia?
A. Radio Paranoia is not so much an entity as it is the manifestation of a collective consciousness of iconoclasts in the classical sense, seeking to restore the integrity of fringe radio through rejection of the icons and idols set up as false gods. Also, propagation stinks, you're using only 10 watts so we can't hear you, and we're bored.

Q. Okay, now I know who you are, you're...
A. Nope, wrong again. But we asked him/her to take credit/blame for this blog in order to sow confusion/love for our amusement/bemusement.

Q. So who is Guise Faux?
A. Guise Faux is a troll role, not an individual. It is the role of the currently designated scribe for this collective, mainly because the other bastards were too lazy to write after drinking all the beer during the editorial meeting. However we do rely upon an unorganized community of contributors for ideas, topics and materials. You may be one of them. In fact, if you're bothering to read this, you probably already are. You may have contributed material covertly through private channels or overtly through public channels.

Q. Hey, so you screencapped my forum post or private e-mail and Photoshopped it just to make me look stupid?
A. Nope. We did it to make you funnier.

Q. This is just some of that "We are Anonymous, we are legion, expect us" bullshit to cover up for one neckbeard in his mom's basement.
A. No. We're closer to namefags, detested by true Anon. But we do have over 9000 penises. Also, GET OUT OF MY MIND, EVIL MONKEY!!!

Q. Did you just edit my last question to suit your agenda?
A. No.

Q. I'm pretty sure I wrote something els
A. No, you didn't.

Q. Dammit, I know I wro
A. Nope. Moving on...

Q. This is just rhetorical bullshit to cover for one embittered shallow, slack-jawed, lip-drooling, knuckle-dragging, under-achieving, self-loathing...
A. Whoa, take a breath there, sparky...

Q. ...ruinous evil ruiner slandering, ruining and defaming good pir...
A. Pardon our interruption and thank you for calling and boring the fuck out of us sharing, but, no, this is dialectical bullshit in which we pretend to anticipate all of your questions and reactions and then manipulate your subsequent reactions and conclusions by pretending to have answered every possible question and objection you may have. If we do it correctly, you are not even aware that you have been manipulated and you would then be asked to fill out an equally manipulative survey purported to gauge your satisfaction with our FAQ, which we would then use to selectively either declare success or to ignore in our continued pursuit of our original agenda without regard to your input. Either way we would claim our agenda was supported by the masses, while marginalizing any dissenters as malcontents, thereby intimidating most people into silence. The one silly bastard who dares to voice dissent will be publicly exposed, humiliated, declared an enemy of the state (i.e., "good pirates") and exiled to a city of refuge. Those who were already living in the cities of refuge will be declared enemies of the state by association (i.e., IRC... all the millions of you, you... ruiners, blasphemers and... hot, hot, well toned DXers). The rest of you who were spared this humiliation would then be grateful you did not speak up and risk the same judgment. We would then praise you for being "good pirates" because you were faithful and loyal to an agenda which you never were fully informed of in the first place and might not have supported if you understood it but no longer care because you quit reading this FAQ several minutes ago so you could go masturbate. Your left hand is in your crotch right now. Caught ya, didn't we.

Thank you for your generous and constructive participation. In return we will send you a large bribe in the form of QSL cards for signals you never heard, along with coffee mugs laced with soporifics, refrigerator magnets containing surveillance devices and a t-shirt declaring you to be our property and a tote bag to carry it all in on your way to our comfortably furnished asylum. Oh, yes, and a pennant for Evil Elvis. Have a nice, quiet stay... over there... no, not there, that's reserved for my cronies... nope, that spot is for my sockpuppets... a little farther back, I can still hear you... back-back-back... nope, I can still see you... a little more... keep going until you experience this falling sensation followed by a cold, wet, splashing and drowning sort of sensation and/or sudden stop followed by a brief crushing sensation... okay. That's a good pirate.

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Tales of Radio Paranoia staff
Guise Faux - Chief Editor, Propagandist & Instigator
Dea Fauxnette - Associate Editor, Rumours & Graphics
General Shun - DXing Professional Extraordinaire

Contributors/Sockpuppets
Hareleg Nuns - World of Rabbitry DXing Adviser
Brown Nose the Pirate - Freelance Substance Abuser
Lauren Sheng - Illustrator
Ewe D. Monica - Adviser on Bliss, Nirvana & Asha
Pheme Ossa - Senior Discordian & Women's Issues Correspondent
Rude Salis - Le Chat Noir
Matt Sludge - The Sludge Report

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Tales of Radio Paranoia welcomes your radio-relevant tips, gossip, suggestions and comments that are too scurrilous, scandalous or otherwise unfit for print on any respectable journal.

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