Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Top Ten Coolest Pirate Deaths

by RADIO GOD Nero Domingo,
former Washington DC talk jock
Illustration by Indoor Gnome

In recent weeks we've been informed that Commander Murphy or Pat Bunny have/has-been implying he/they possesses deadly multiple fursonality disorder sniper powers and his enemies should quake in fear of his myxomatosis infected spittle mad skills.

  (That is, when he wasn't busy under his Robert W. Smith and other aliases
fondling Dave Hughes' nutsack trolling DCRTV's mailbag. Info per DCRTV insiders.)

At least, that's how the Virginia Bunnyman's aides-de-camp nuthuggers described it.  However, we know the Bunnyman all too well.  (For instance, we know what he carried in that briefcase at WROV - spare bunched panties.  He wears 'em all the time, especially while blogging.)  After examining the data and video evidence, what we observed more closely resembled an America's Funniest Video segment in which a fat guy trips over his manboobs, looses his balance and flounders along at full gallop for 50 yards, arms flailing wildly, before finally belly-flopping onto a meadow muffin.

(Presumably the Lagomurph will claim he meant to do that to get steadier aim with his Nerf gun. --GF)

And since Commander Buttmunch seems awfully obsessed with the topic these days, that got us to wondering, which would be the coolest and least cool ways for a pirate to die?  We propose the following...

Coolest ways for pirates to die:

  1. Keelhauling
  2. Flogging
  3. Yardarm lynching
  4. Blunderbussing
  5. Cutlassing
  6. Beard fire burns
  7. Scurvy
  8. Shark
  9. Spear
  10. Electrocuted while performing 440v 3-phase mod

Least cool ways for pirates to die:

  1. Head shots by Navy SEAL snipers
  2. Poop decked
  3. Myxomatosis
  4. Auto-erotic asphyxiation while wearing bunny suit
  5. Snitching to FCC
  6. Strangling on own sockpuppets
  7. Giant ghost pirate sock monkeys
  8. h4xx0rd
  9. Tiger.  Fucking tiger.  Never get outta the boat.
  10. And the least cool way of all... Murph-Nerfed
Fear the Murph-Nerf!!!