Fan Mail and the Pirate's Paradox

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”
-- Oscar Wilde

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We're honoured to find that Commander Bunny enjoyed our most recent Tale of Radio Paranoia, and even offered editorial assistance. We're also grateful to Father Poet of The Crystal Ship for contributing some well considered counterpoints to Commander Bunny's critique of our tale.



A tip o' the dunce cap to Kracker, who suggested the correct spelling of his name. And whilst we're appreciative of the opportunity to correct our error, we're puzzled by his choice to post this publicly on the FRN. We've blurred out the name and location. Meanwhile, the FRN post has vanished.

We appreciate Kracker's usual enthusiasm and readiness to get into character by donning the traditional leprechaun costume to perform some sort of ritual gardening.

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Commander Bunny also contributed a few editorial suggestions (the unexpurgated version of CB's e-mail may be viewed on Poet's TCS blog). Whilst perusing CB's words of wisdom I was reminded of a variation of Epimenides Paradox:

1. All pirates are liars.
2. I am a pirate.

* * *

"We've been falsely accused of sharing a mailing list with Kracker.

"ITS NOT TRUE."
-- Commander Bunny, 18 July 2011

* * *

Ah, we see there is some perfectly understandable confusion here. We meant that in the same sense that there have been numerous Commanders Bunny. It was another, presumably fictitious, Commander Bunny who provided that information. As we noted in a March 2011 Tale of Radio Paranoia, there have been - much like the Dread Pirate Roberts - many Commanders Bunny throughout his-story. See "Commander Bunny's true identity revealed!"

Unlike the former Commander Bunny, who was well respected for sagacity, generosity and sense of humour, the current Commander Bunny is prone to occasional indiscretions in the sense that a trollop is prone to occasionally dropping her bloomers whilst singing "A farthing a blow! Three for a ha'penny!"

When was the former Commander Bunny displaced by a humourless usurper? Remember the Commander Bunny who had a sense of humour about himself? Good times, good times.

* * *

"Shame I have to even send this email, but the website "Radio Paranoia" has been spreading lies and false information about me and its time to set the record straight." --CB

* * *

We're guessing the Commander hasn't read the masthead for our trifling scandal sheet and metafictional scribblings.

Perhaps, as well, he overlooked those "X" shaped and arrow shaped icons near the top of the browser page. Clicking on either one will relieve the angst provoked by this disreputable eyesore of a blog.

Don't like it? Don't read it. Works just like the tuning dial and volume control on your receiver. I know CB has heard that advice before, because he's given the same advice before.

* * *

"Since the website has only 6 or 8 people who infest it, I felt it better to send an email to you directly. And I've found that if I don't counter the lies, they are taken as fact and spread among the "do-nothings" in the hobby, who want everyone to think they "know something" when they actually don't." --CB

* * *

Oh, our infestation is far worse than only 6 or 8 people, even discounting my own sockpuppets. We can scarcely brew a pot of Earl Grey, hawt, without a few more do-nothings showing up at this mad tea party, eating up all of Evil Elvis's mushroom canapés and then nattering about metaphysics with the Cheshire Cat.

* * *

"For whatever reason this guy "Guise Faux" who was also "Guy Fawkes" of KBOX..."

* * *

Guy Fawkes! That provocateur? I don't recall making any public statements confirming that he and Guise Faux are one and the same. Next you'll be telling me there's no Easter Bunny.


Guy Fawkes is as real, distinct and separate from Guise Faux as Beans, Mosby, Thumper, Bouncer, lovemyradios, Winston, et al, are from Commander Bunny. Those are almost certainly real people, for why would a pirate of Commander Bunny's stature and fearsome reputation need to pillage a sock drawer to muster support?

* * *

"...(who I kindly relayed)..."

* * *

Whoa, old feller, don't dislocate your shoulder patting yourself on the back. But thanky "kindly" for that relay.

Semi-seriously for a moment (cue the violins), I'll paraphrase from an e-mail I send to Andrew Yoder earlier this year after WEAK got the knock...

...99.99% of KBOX and related programmes were relayed by WEAK, a genuine hero and friend of pirate radio.

He was consistently a friend and mentor. Very few listeners and pirates realize how prolific he was. Broadcasting almost every week for two years, and often several times a week, WEAK relayed many shows, both older classic shows and new programmes. Yet he rarely claimed credit. He never took any credit for relaying KBOX or other programmes I produced, or those produced by others who were cutting their teeth in pirate radio.

He is good natured, humble and discrete, the antithesis of the high profile "international relay service" approach of WBNY. He never sought public accolades, never made a sport of insulting listeners or other pirates and - unlike Commander Bunny - never, ever stooped to slandering other ops or listeners in a desperate bid for self aggrandizement. He simply quietly set out to make shortwave radio fun for listeners. And he succeeded.

Whilst WBNY has occasionally listed KBOX amongst the stations he has relayed, in fact WBNY relayed only our very first programme and we have had no other association with WBNY since 2009. Even with that particular 2009 WBNY relay, we received far more signal reports from WEAK's relays of our first KBOX programme. He was so diligent in pursuit of the craft of broadcasting that by autumn 2009 WEAK's audio quality was amongst the best in sideband mode, on par with WTCR and Wolverine. I learned a lot from him about how to prepare the audio in our pre-recorded programmes for optimal results in noisy conditions at the trough of the solar cycle.

WEAK's relays of our programmes included:

• KBOX #1, in the autumn of 2009 (which WBNY also relayed, thanky kindly, your hareness).
• KBOX #2, our Halloween 2009 show (we snoozed through 2010).
  
• Gumby Radio, Jan-Feb 2010, our wee salute to Art Clokey.
• Family Friendly Radio, spring 2010.
• KBOX #3, aka Radio Paranoia, autumn 2010, the predecessor to this penny dreadful we call Tales of Radio Paranoia.
  

WEAK took all of the risk and asked for nothing in return. He's so discrete that even after two years of regular correspondence I still didn't know his name or location until after he got the knock. If I send out only one QSL card in my lifetime, it will be to him. (Sorry, but so far I've issued only those eQSLs that offend His Hareness. But I was happy to prepare unique eQSLs for some listeners and most were of sufficient resolution to make good postcard sized prints at home or in a minilab.)

And WEAK was a genuine fan of free radio, logging any and all pirate shows equally, without regard to cliques, without resorting to sockpuppets to log himself (I'm looking at you, bunnyman), and with as much enthusiasm as any DXer. There aren't many people in the pirate radio scene I'd regard as genuine heroes. He's at the top of my list. He'll be greatly missed as an active free radio operator. (Fansome would be high on my list of pirate ops if not for that obsession with the chipmunk voiced Belinda Carlisle. Yes, yes, I understand it was necessary for national security, but still...)

And, for what it's worth, WEAK did not relay the cut-up/remix I did of CB's audio from the 2006 "pirate feud" show, mixed in with other randomized audio bits. If you still have a banana up your bum over that remix and any broadcasts thereof, your beef is with me and me alone. (See: "7 Minutes to Hell - Part 1", for which I still need to write the followup article, describing CB's hysterical slandering of the wrong person, along with publishing names, ham radio call signs and addresses for the poor schlub's family - one of CB's prouder moments, no doubt.)

If I never do another thing in pirate radio (including figuring out which bits of the transmitter plug in where), I will always be grateful to WEAK for his selfless friendship and encouragement.

And if I never do another thing but blog about pirate radio, I will always be grateful to Commander Bunny for being the larger than life melodramatic caricature of Snidely Whiplash in fursuit we all know and love to toss popcorn at. I doubt any writer, under the influence of any sort of mind altering chemicals, could concoct a more complex and colourful character. Well, other than Eric Cartman.

And dat's da facts, Jack.

* * *

"You didn’t get reception reports because your show S-U-C-K-E-D!!!!" --CB

* * *

Aww, thanks, nice of you to notice.

* * *

"...has decided his role in pirate radio is start false rumors, and spread lies about pirate operators."

* * *

Don't fret, sparky, I promise not to steal your "All who defy my will are child molesters" shtick. You jumped the shark with that particular bit of hysterical fiction.

* * *

* * *

"This low-IQ, slack-jawed, lip-drooling, asshat, Guise Faux is a liar and is destroying pirate radio LOLing at my frightening arsenal of propaganda and talking points from the 'Big Bunny's Book Of Scary Things To Say On The Interbutts'."

* * *

Aww, you sweet talker, you. In all the hundreds of times you've regurgitated that particular line to almost everyone else in pirate radio, I never thought you really, really cared until now.

* * *

"If he put half as much time and attention in producing shows, instead of spreading lies about pirate operators, he could be a respected member of the pirate community."

* * *

Ooohhh... you sly wabbit. You almost had me until that bit about "respected member of the pirate community." You're funny.

* * *

"It is because of this jackass, that I no longer will relay anyone. Apparently relaying his station wasn't enough for this asshole, he had to start an all out smear campaign trollercoaster full of lies lulz and gossip against me."
-- Commander Bunny

* * *

Eh, your transmitter, your risk, your call. Personally, I think you should consider making an exception for Voice of Next Thursday. Gabriel Syme's programming is damned clever stuff. Actually prompted me to listen to the classic Orson Welles Mercury Theatre On The Air episode and the audiobook version of Chesterton's novel. Good way to pass some time, what with the sunspots taking a holiday.



Incidentally, on Poet's blog a reader commented:

"There is no honor among thieves."

So true. And perhaps the pithiest possible summation of the near-continuous state of turmoil in the North American shortwave pirate scene. Commander Bunny is merely following in the tradition of despots and seagoing pirates who cultivated fearsome reputations and enforced their power by occasionally sacrificing a follower who'd lost favour with the leader.

The sage who first said "Lead, follow or get out of the way" omitted a fourth option: Be the jester and troll the fuck out of 'em.

Fugue dreams

I had a dream. When I woke before dawn today all I could remember was a word: Fugue. While I don't believe that every dream is significant, that's an oddly specific word or symbolic element to recall.

fugue
1 a: a musical composition in which one or two themes are repeated or imitated by successively entering voices and contrapuntally developed in a continuous interweaving of the voice parts.

Hmm... interesting, but not necessarily significant, at least not in terms of coming up with blog filler. Probably just heard it in my sleep since I often doze off with the overnight classical station playing. But the implication of a recurring theme seems to resonate with us.

1 b: something that resembles a fugue especially in interweaving repetitive elements

Ah, now we're getting somewhere...

2: a disturbed state of consciousness in which the one affected seems to perform acts in full awareness but upon recovery cannot recollect the acts performed.

Psychiatry: A pathological amnesiac condition during which one is apparently conscious of one's actions but has no recollection of them after returning to a normal state. This condition, usually resulting from severe mental stress, may persist for as long as several months.

(From Wikipedia): Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering, and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity.

• sudden, unexpected travel away from home or one's customary place of work, with inability to recall one's past,
• confusion about personal identity, or the assumption of a new identity, or
• significant distress or impairment.
  

Oh, I see what you did there, noggin. Trying to remind me to get back to some of the topics proposed in the first Tales of Radio Paranoia entry:

• 2011 NASWA Winter SWL Fest story.
• Friends getting knocked up.
• Leporidae dissembling.
• Wars and rumors of wars.

Alrighty then, the Fest story is coming along nicely, almost done, still waiting for BNtP's fourth and final entry in the Fester trilogy.

Stations getting The Knock from the FCC... hmm... this one may need to wait, at least regarding specifics. At least one station operator with whom we've discussed the incident prefers not to identify itself in conjunction with any public reports about the investigation. For now let's just say that RP is aware of three U.S. shortwave pirate station operators being visited by the FCC during the past year. Reportedly all three received what the agency calls a "verbal warning" (technically an oral warning, according to the descriptions given by affected operators, but we're parsing linguistics here with the government). Since that type of warning does not appear in the publicly available records on the FCC website, the site is not entirely useful as an indicator of current agency activity. From what we've been able to discern from studying recent records, the FCC only refers to "verbal warnings" in retrospect as part of their affidavits when pursuing official actions such as Notices of Apparent Liability, and forfeitures (which is how the FCC describes citations that include monetary penalties). RP may attempt a Freedom Of Information Act request to see if we can shake loose any information regarding these verbal warnings, but we are not hopeful. Field notes and internal memos are notoriously difficult to obtain via FOIA from any federal regulatory agency, unless the requesting party is involved in legal representation of the party.

Leporidae dissembling... the recurring theme of dissociative identity disorder is tempting to pursue but, eh, been there, done that. Still don't have the t-shirt, however. RP doubts His Hareness will see the humor in our blog. But if he does, we'd like a large.

Wars and rumors of wars! Yes, that's a good 'un. We'll tackle it soon. It's about time to offer an alternative perspective on the infamous Summer 2008 pirate war as well. So far we've refrained from publishing anything specific, here or elsewhere, out of consideration for three particular individuals who were subjected to some rather unpleasant attentions between the summer and fall of 2008.

And the most recent snit - which involved a grotesque confabulation by the lagomorph in response to relatively mild satire drifting downward from the North - makes the topic relevant again. The continued theme of piratical bunnyfolk labeling enemies as "child molesters" goes far beyond mere hyperbole, slander or libel. It seems to hint at some deep seated anxieties. At the very least it should not go unchallenged by reasonable people. Not that RP counts itself among those reasonable people. But you might qualify.

A recent alt.pirate.radio newsgroup post seems to be an attempt to put some perspective on the most recent spat:

"At this point, who said what or provoked whomever else really just
doesn't fucking matter..." --(Marconi's Ghost)

But we're inclined to agree with John Poet of The Crystal Ship, who countered that at this point attempting to smooth over or downplay the most recent spat between His Hareness and our Canadians friends amounts to the unacceptable compromise of "...a 'false moral equivalance'..."

To be continued.

By the way, as always, feel free to check off the Zeitgeist as LOL, meh or Fail, as you wish (beneath every blog entry). Points are not being scored and we have no idea who checks which box. It's only there for your amusement. Likewise, feel free to comment anonymously or via your Google or other account, whichever you prefer. If you have suggestions for blog articles or material to contribute, feel free to e-mail us.

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Music video of the now: Dissociative Fugue by composer Stretta. In particular we liked his comments regarding collaborative projects and Creative Commons.

Book of the now: The Narcissist's Confabulated Life, by Dr. Sam Vaknin. "Moreover, he imposes his personal mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues, friends, neighbors - sometimes even perfect strangers - must abide by the narcissist's narrative or face his wrath. The narcissist countenances no disagreement, alternative points of view, or criticism. To him, confabulation IS reality.

"We dare not confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his claims, the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his alleged accomplishments and conquests. We simply turn the other cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed.

"Moreover, the narcissist makes clear, from the very beginning, that it is his way or the highway. His aggression - even violent streak - are close to the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter - but even then there are telltale signs of pent-up abuse. His interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by acquiescing with the narcissist's fairy tales. Thus he imposes his private universe and virtual reality on his milieu - sometimes with disastrous consequences."

(Quoted in good faith cooperation with the author's stated conditions.)

Commander Bunny's true identity revealed!

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"Murdered by pirates is good..."
--The Princess Bride

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RP's sooper sekrit network of oh-noes-ninjas! infiltrated the Furry Rodent Nuthuggers and discovered the true identity of infamous shortwave pirate radio legend Commander Bunny.

Those who closely follow the U.S. shortwave pirate radio scene know the myxomatosis carrier is a legend in his own mind (and, to be fair, in troof), whose heritage gains another decade with each retelling. In the early 2000s he claimed to date back to the 1990s. By the mid-2000s he claimed WBNY was born and bred not in a briar patch but in the 1980s. By 2011 his lineage had scurried down a rabbit hole in the Tardis and pre-dated itself to the 1960s. While we fans of the bunnyman (yes, we are one, sarcastic bastards though RP may be) pondered the riddle of rabbit-time, a gift fell into our filthy beer-stained laps, in the form of a lulzy screencap.

Turns out behind that careworn furry mask Commander Bunny is none other than (drum roll, pl0x)... Dread Pirate Roberts!!1one!!11eleven!!

---

"Good night, Commander Bunny. Good work. Sleep well.
I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
--Dread Pirate Roberts

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Sekrit Skwirrel managed to snatch this copy of a rabbity rant fresh off the Vines, just before someone thought better of it and vamoosed the evidence back into the vault.

Feast your jaded peepers on this gen-you-whine document salvaged from the FRN, guaranteed to be hardly shooped at all. (Max rez version for download.)

An excerpt from the now-deleted thread tells all:

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"The other BS floating around the internet is that I'm not the "real" Commander *****. Seems I have to explain this every 5 years to the newbie monkeys over 9000 penises who think they know it all! I AM THE REAL COMMANDER ***** YOU DUMB ASSES!

"There have been 5 Commander *****'s over the years. Commander ***** dates back to the 60's and has been passed along to only the most deserving and meritorious Rabbits. You know like the Phantom (oh ghost who walks).

"I am the latest incarnation of Commander *****. Unquestionably the most inventive, intelligent and prolific, and whomever the Rabbit is that takes it over from me, has big paws to fill!"
--Commander Bunny bunnifesto, 3/18/11

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He seems... I don't know... grumpy.

But how f*****g awesome is that! Even with the cryptic asterisks, the f*****g awesomeness provokes me into yet another spasm of metafictional bliss. I'm betting the original Commander Asterisk must have been William Goldman himself!

---

Buttercup: You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it.
Commander Bunny: With pride. What can I do for you?
Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.

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We're guessing the original Commander ***** must have been loitering in the Saigon whorehouse room beneath Dave Rabbit's when Radio First Termer was oddcasting. The RFT mojo seeped through a rabbit hole in the floor and splooged all over the first poor fellow whose destiny it was to become the progenitor of a long line of talented, entertaining and increasingly curmudgeonly harecasters.

We note that ComBun is still struggling with the concept of "free". Free pogey bait from WBNY = good. Free speech on IRC or by "competitors" on radio = EVIL, GO DIE IN A FIRE!!! Ohh, the lolocaust.

Now, you didn't actually think we'd really expose ComBun's real identity did you? FFS, we may be trolls but we're not snitches. We leave that job to the bunny mafia. (More about that in an upcoming article.)

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"Dread Commander Bunny had grown so rich, he wanted to retire.
He took me to his Montana cabin and he told me his secret.
'I am not the Dread Commander Bunny' he said. 'My name is ****...'"

"His name was 'asterisk' too?"

"Yes, well, never mind... I inherited the FRN from the previous
Dread Commander Bunny, just as you will inherit it from me.
The man I inherited it from is not the real Dread Commander Bunny either.
His name was **********. The real Bunny has been retired
15 years and living like a king on the Outer Banks.'"

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Got any lulzy or informative screencaps or HTML copies to share? Drop RP a line. We don't pick on the FRN exclusively (at the moment we're just way behind on so much FRN hilarity it only seems like we're picking on them - hey, when you're the best, as you always affirm, ya gotta be ready for bushwhackers like RP). If it's radio-related and srsly funny we wanna hear the juice. We'd prefer unedited copies or screen shots - we'll do the shooping around here, varmints.

And only a moron would drop docs on anyone in the pirate radio scene, including people you think are "only" listeners - some of them are also ops. First of all, it violates the Prime Directive. Second, we don't give a shit. The real identities of most people in the pirate radio scene are irrelevant. As veteran FRN leader Pat Murphy often reminds us, much of pirate radio is a magic act - we don't need or even want to know how it's done. Only a very few people in pirate radio (for example, commercial broadcast media figures or those with political connections) might be considered "public figures" by most news media standards and cannot expect the same degree of privacy and anonymity. If we spot sockpuppets we'll check 'em for holes ourselves laugh. We're not here to fuck up people's real lives. But having fun with online shenanigans is fair game. And if you are so wrapped up in your pirate persona that you think it's real life, umm... it's not that important. Go take some food to a struggling family. Drive an elderly or handicapped neighbor to their doctor's appointment. Masturbate. All these are more important than pirate radio. Unless you're Lad, in which case masturbating while on air is probably a priority.

Until next time... have fun stormin' da castle! And stay tuned for the wrap-up of the Fester Trilogy, to be published as soon as BNtP comes out of his Jenkem-induced coma. Not fer nuttin' is he called Brown Nose the Pirate.

And for bumfuzzled lurkers, Commander Bunny is among the most talented and prolific shortwave pirate radio figures. Also occasionally rather too fond of the smell of his own farts, but aren't most creative people furries? (Actually his sockpuppeting nuthuggers are more pestiferous than ComBun hisself since they occasionally manage to f4g up the FRN so badly there isn't a facepalm in the world large enough to contain the samef4ggotree.) You can nibble from his garden by downloading or streaming audio from his various shows hare or hare, and friend him grovel to his majesty hare. He also offers excellent QSL packages for confirmed signal reports. RP has none since our unfunny efforts at degassing the lagomorph prolly don't endear us to his hareness. But we might ask for some pogey bait after we're safely behind seven maildrops.

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Brown Nose the Pirate: Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Commander Bunny: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Commander Bunny.
BNtP: Really? You think so?
ComBun: No. You're a troll. You're ruining pirate radio. Burn in hell.