Ha-Ha Only Kracker, Ha-Ha Only Snitching

Editor's note: For the rest of the summer we'll be poking the stanky embers of the Summer 2008 "Pirate War" for sparks of lulz. Because propagation stinks. And we're bored. And we're trolls. But let's pretend we're professionals and this is just a retrospective documentary of one of the genuine milestones of the North American pirate radio scene, worthy of Never Forget!

This Tale of Radio Paranoia is the culmination of three years of research, interviews and pestering sources for permission to release information, all with the goal of providing the most credible documentary of the shortwave pirate/free radio scene to be found anywhere, with an eye toward the finest of journalistic traditions.

Those lofty goals fell by the wayside in the same ditch with drunken correspondent Brown Nose the Pirate, who files this report fetid pile of slanderous crap, which we had to rewrite because his notes were unintelligible.

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Noone says Kracker is a snitch.

Noone says Kracker is a backstabbing, opportunistic sociopath. Noone says Kracker has managed to infect the U.S. pirate radio scene, long after he'd worn out his welcome, by mooching off Commander Bunny's coattails and regularly tossing CB's salad. Noone says Kracker is brain damaged from years of huffing jenkem fermented from rabbit feces.

Noone says DNA test results from swabs of Kracker's pie-hole (obtained second hand from his saliva left on Bozo's mother's penis) conclusively prove that Kracker is in fact a homunculous spawned when Radio Bob practiced auto-erotic asphyxiation and spilled his manly seed into a pile of rabbit droppings in 1999. Noone says Evil Elvis harvested the alchemical goo and used it as fertilizer for the world's most potent Psilocybe cubensis which, when ingested by Sarah Palin, caused her to crap out a fully grown Kracker, along with a hallucinogenic gas that would later cloud the minds of Republicans into believing she actually made sense.

Noone says these things.

From Images

Recently I was catching up with black propaganda specialist Pol Mak Erigot - code name "Noone", a play on words based on the name of his Mao-era handler, Noh Wan. He passed along some of what he ha-ha-only-seriously referred to as evidence of treachery and dead-agenting by Kracker, infamouse perpetraitor of Radio Jamba Jerkoff International and other brilliant programming unfunny radio puke. In the process he clarified why Kracker got away with outing another pirate op in 2008.

It's a cautionary tale for anyone unfamiliar with the convoluted mindset of the Fabulous Rabbit Nuthugger cult's paralogism, which mandates that for a pirate to be eligible as a pirate he must declare himself to the cult leader.

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"...expose the person who intended harm on a good pirate operator... YOU NEVER SAID YOU WERE A PIRATE... so the protections, extended to pirates, does not (sic) include you. Even if you were to go on the air and be a pirate, it wouldn't count now, its (sic) called "EX POST FACTO" but you so (sic) smart, I'll bet you figure it all out. But just in case, the protections, are not retroactive! Sorry but you lose."
--Beans, December 28, 2009, the "Spore" incident, a reaction to a prank audio edit by Guise Faux of Radio Paranoia. (Beans is/was a sockpuppet for Commander Bunny.)

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I first met Pol Mak Erigot during the 1970s at an international university haunted by spooks, Discordians, gun runners, hermaphrodites and atonal composers who were developing psyops techniques later used on Branch Davidians and Juggalos. I was fresh out of the Marines and using the G.I. Bill to dabble in communications, religion and urban planning, a cover story for my real job smuggling East German and USSR documents stashed in the needlessly complex exhaust systems of West German cars (typical Germans - even their automobiles reflect their obsession with stuffing things up their asses).

For awhile we even worked together in smuggling human organs, mostly for a shadowy Asian ring that converted human kidneys and fiber optic cable into organic/artificial hybrid kidneys that enabled transplant recipients to piss out the trade secret recipes for any popular Western beverage. Human mules - mostly Thai ladyboys with a huge capacity for swallowing - are implanted with the hybrid kidneys. They drink whatever beverage an Asian dictator craves, then piss into a mass spectrometer to reveal the recipes. Pol Pot was a big fan of Dr. Habanero Pepper, a limited edition beverage canceled in 1977, while Kim Jong-Il craved Pabst Blue Ribbon after repeated viewings of Blue Velvet. The Frank Booth character played by Dennis Hopper turned out to be a significant influence on his leadership style. The North Korean dictator was known to guzzle the cloned PBR while listening to Roy Orbison, strip down to his skivvies and scream "I fuck anything that moves!" As far as anyone knows, after binging on Dr. Habanero Pepper, Pol Pot just screamed unintelligibly when he pissed.

Pol Mak was a curious mixture of a Cambodian mother and Polish father and claimed he was a refugee from the Khmer Rouge genocide of minorities and half-breeds like himself. Rumor said otherwise. Rumor said he'd been groomed as an agent by his uncle Nuon Chea, notorious "Brother Number 2" to Pol Pot, to play off China and Russia spook handlers, through Pol Mak's Polish family connections. Behind the Iron Curtain his handler was Michal Grób. Pol Mak was flipped by the Poles, who were impressed with his multilingual mastery. To Western ears the Khmer language sounds like "crap-crap-crap, shit-shit-shit, shitty-shitty-crap-crap." Which, incidentally, is a famous Khmer poem written by Pol Pot, extolling the beauty of his human skull collection.

Noone's tasks included monitoring radio transmissions. In July 2008 he was in Phnom Penh keeping tabs on the trial of Nuon Chea. While scanning 6800-7000 kHz for encrypted milcoms he recorded several transmissions from Radio Jamba International, thanks or blame due to unusual long path propagation. "I heard the station operator, who called himself Kracker, repeatedly threaten someone named Al Fansome. You know that name?"

"Fansome!" I blurted. "Of course I know him. Well, I know of him. I'm not sure anyone really knows him. Fansome is his code name."

Al Fansome was his cover for lurking on the pirate radio scene, which is infested with Discordian elements (from which the title of this blog entry borrows steals -- GF) - programmers, hackers, Greenspun's Tenth Rulers, trolls and religious zealots masquerading as atheists who are embracing cults ironically while actually believing the cult tenets - one of which is to never believe the cult tenets. These are people who fearlessly divide by zero. Fansome operated at least two pirate radio stations, up until early 2010 or so. There may have been others but he's cagey even with allies.

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"Pirate radio is infested with Discordian elements - programmers, hackers, Greenspun's Tenth Rulers, trolls and religious zealots masquerading as atheists who are embracing cults ironically while actually believing the cult tenets - one of which is to never believe the cult tenets.

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"Yes, well, he was one of our contacts," continued Pol Mak. "Throughout 2008-2009, he transmitted our encoded messages, hidden in transmissions disguised as shortwave pirate radio entertainment broadcasts."

"I remember those," I said. "I noticed some odd pitch shifting in the Belinda Carlisle vocals. I mean, even more than Carlisle's usual chipmunk helium voice."

"Those pitch shifts correspond with number codes," Pol Mak explained. "Very old tech. The vocoder effect you hear so much in pop music, along with the more recent Auto-Tune, started out as milcom technology in the 1930s. Nobody uses it for that anymore. It's too easy to crack. But Fansome figured out a way to use it in pop songs where it would go unnoticed because it was buried in existing pitch-corrected vocals. Go-Go's songs were perfect since Carlisle's vocals could easily mask the codes. Not only were certain elements of the songs a code, but the spaces between the elements were codes."

"Sounds very Kabbalistic." I said. "Even if anyone suspected Carlisle's voice contained encrypted information, nobody could stand to listen to it long enough to decode it. Their ears would bleed after only a few seconds."

"Exactly, intended recipients had audio filters implanted to shield them from the harmful warbling. The filters were later adapted as the Deboxxifier filter for the Perseus SDR, making it the only receiver capable of safely tuning in to KBOX," said Pol Mak. "And it's even worse on shortwave in sideband, where it's impossible to tune the VFO to make those Carlisle vocals sound bearable.

"Unfortunately," he continued, "Fansome had to temporarily suspend the operation during the summer 2008 pirate war."

"Why?" I said, leaving a gaping portal for the tedious exposition to lumber through like Robert Redford's script for Lions for Lambs.

"Kracker," said Pol Mak. "He exposed Fansome's true identity on air. Threatened to dress up as a delivery boy (do they make delivery boy uniforms in leprechaun size?), show up at Fansome's workplace, where presumably the Krackwhore would gnaw on his ankle. Did I mention Fansome is a big guy? Apparently Kracker didn't know Fansome was a pirate op, or just didn't care. Real name. Addresses. But his intel was sloppy and he got at least one address wrong. Kracker said he got Fansome's personal info from the mailing list because he ordered a Commander Bunny t-shirt."

"You're fucking kidding me?" I sputtered, leaving room for more of Pol Mak's exposition narrative that would make Harrison Ford's listless voiceover narrative in the original release of Blade Runner seem poetic in comparison.

"I'm surprised that you're surprised," said Pol Mak. "Remember N9OGL? Omega One Radio? This goes back a few years. Pirates on the FRN told Daugherty he'd never be trusted because anyone who was careless about making his own real name and location public couldn't be trusted to maintain the privacy of other ops. And sure enough, Kracker's dogged and very public online feud with some ne'er-do-well named Skip Ohlsen ended up with Kracker's pirate radio alias and real name being included on publicly accessible court documents. He gnawed on Skip's bone until he made himself "famouse", to use his own term, because he was too stupid or arrogant to come up with a different online alias. And since he had no regard for his own privacy, why should anyone expect him to respect the confidentiality of other pirates? Same situation with Terry the Newfie. Kracker persisted in posting the Newfie's real name and geographic location online, even after Terry asked him to remove the photos and geographic location. No go. So the Newfie was forced to curtail plans to go on air with his own station. Kracker is genetically predisposed to being a snitch."

"How the fuck did a moron like Kracker get access to that kind of information?"

"We're not sure," said Pol Mak. "There are only a few possibilities. Sources say Kracker mooched the real names and addresses off the ebay vendor for WBNY schwag.

"The probable leak is Commander Bunny himself, who has been using a Virginia based ebay vendor to disseminate his own psyops materials: t-shirts with emblems containing tracking info that can be monitored via satellite; coffee mugs laden with zombification substances that gradually leach out into hot drinks; refrigerator magnets that emit mind control signals that cloud the judgment of anyone within 20 feet. It's fiendishly clever, with an effect similar to the alien spacecraft in the Stephen King novel The Tommyknockers. When anyone is within 20 feet of the magnets they believe anything CB tells them: There is only one pirate and His name is Commander Bunny; All of his enemies are pedophiles; Kracker is perfectly trustworthy; A lagomorph infected with myxomatosis who eats his own droppings will make a good president. Well, the latter is actually true - he would make a better president than the other shit-eaters in D.C.," Pol Mak continued.

"Whenever the recipients of CB's propaganda materials leave home, they begin to question the sanity of their beliefs," said Pol Mak. "But as soon as they return home, the location-specific mind control effects resume. Brilliant for ensuring the loyalty of his zombie subjects, especially moronic homunculi."

"What about JTA?" I countered. "He handles the mail drop."

"We don't believe JTA provided mail lists to Kracker," Pol Mak said. "He's on record as being pretty fed up with Kracker's insane rantings. JTA and L Cee are about the only mods on the FRN with any integrity. JTA was pretty pissed in December 2009 when CB - using his "Beans" and "Mosby" sockpuppets - and Cosmikdebris seemed to think it was perfectly okay to expose another pirate simply because CB didn't like the content of their broadcasts."

I was still stunned. Why would Kracker violate the one rule held sacred by pirate ops: Never expose the identity, location or other sensitive info of another pirate? Isn't this the same guy who posted photos of himself on his own blog, and then whined when Evil Elvis did the same?

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"Why would Kracker violate the one rule held sacred by pirate ops: Never expose the identity, location or other sensitive info of another pirate?"


"Kracker was obsessed with Fansome," Pol Mak Erigot replied. "He sounded like a jilted stalker..."

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"Kracker was obsessed with Fansome, and couldn't cope with the rejection. So he appointed himself Commander Bunny's enforcement thug," Pol Mak replied. "In a way his devolution mirrored Saul becoming Paul on the road to Damascus. Different messiah, different group of pagans to be persecuted. Same song and dance.

"After that Kracker sounded like a jilted stalker, mixed in with a daddy complex and prison bitch syndrome. Not unusual for a leprechaun sized homunculus made from shit and sperm. Most of those abominations are uncontrollable and suffer from serious mental delusions. Their inability to tell the difference between a practical joke and real life closely mimics the psychopathy of humans with Asperger's Syndrome, which explains Kracker's obsession with Jay S., whom Kracker subconsciously recognizes as a brother. In fact, Discordian pranksters from an O.T.O. spinoff created the Church of the SubGenius specifically to exploit the stupidity of this particular type of homunculus. On the plus side, this type of homunculus makes colorful sparks and psychedelic smoke patterns when tossed into a fire. You should try it when you're tripping."

Pol Mak continued: "Agency profilers said Kracker's obsession with Fansome indicated the Krackwhore had a strong latent sexual identity confusion, which led to feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Note his preoccupation with homophobia - I mean, how many shows do you need just to call Mike Gaukin gay? What about Kracker's unfunny, missed-the-point memegenerator pokes at Artie Bigley? That sort of obsession smacks of a guy who spends way too much time browsing gay porn sites while wearing latex chaps, with one hand in his lap choking the chicken while ranting about how gay porn is destroying America. The latent instability was exacerbated by Kracker's unnatural origin as a homunculus made from the shit of his hero, Commander Bunny, and jism of CB's arch enemy Radio Bob. While he physically appears to be in his 40s, in fact he's only 12 years old mentally and emotionally because the homunculus was created in 1999. So, like most homunculi, he's capable only of self gratification and rage, although he can fake a few human-like characteristics long enough to fool unwary stoners."

"So what happened?" I asked. Although I already knew the answer, I was running short of segues for this blog entry and resorted to awkward exposition. "In the past exposing the identity of another pirate op always resulted in the offender being shunned for life and subject to continued ridicule. Look what happened to Radio Bob after he outed Bill O. Rights and Commander Bunny 10 years ago. How did Kracker escape being shunned?"

"Too risky," said Pol Mak. "We still needed Fansome to continue the encrypted transmissions. If we'd made a fuss about Kracker exposing another pirate op, Fansome's cover would have been blown. Keep in mind that Fansome's carefully cultivated shtick is feigning the guise of a clueless listener to divert any suspicion that he was also an op. He had to maintain plausible deniability about his involvement in covert communications. And it worked well until Kracker became infatuated with Al and couldn't stop talking about him online and on air."

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Transcript of Kracker's heart-rending love song to Al Fansome, while doing his best impression of a typical day on 14275 or 14313 kHz when VE7KFM and the gang are warming up the airwaves. Since my last efforts at remixing another pirate's audio resulted in Commander Bunny accusing some poor schlub whom I don't even know of being a child molester, for now I'm confining my remixing to editorial rewrites. --GF

Note: If embedded audio player malfunctions, you can access these audio clips via the embedded player on the Internet Archives site, or by downloading here and playing on your own media player.

Kracker serenades Al Fansome, July 2008, 6955 kHz (please excuse the shitty audio quality, but it suits the material):

"Hey, Al Fansome... (static)... I'm talking to stalking you. That's right, Al Fansome, Al Fansome, Al Fansome... Al Fansome. I'm talking to stalking you, you traitorous fucking delicious piece of shit cake. Cross me again, motherfucker.

"Post on the internet. Post about me! Go ahead, post on, motherfucker. I'm gonna make your life miserable lulzable. I meet eat you at the fucking Winterfest... I've got your fucking address! You ordered a fucking t-shirt!

"I can drive to your fucking business, (Huh? 'Fucking business?' Fansome is a pimp? --GF) the computer store, it's 20 miles away from Smolinski's fucking house (Chris too!?!), I come there and say... 'I want who's in charge?' (I guess that'd be the pimp?)

"Okay, you know what I'm saying? (Yes, we know what you're saying, you cute li'l leprechaun stalker.) I can act like the postal delivery guy (Okay, but can you do it in that cute li'l green latex leprechaun costume with the cut-out in the butt, like you did at Mardi Gras?). 'Special delivery for Al Fansome. Special delivery, okay? Who's Al Fansome? Oh, well, he's right back there in the office.' I come back there and beat you (off? You tease, you!) within an inch of your fucking life, with my bare hands, until I have fucking bloody spermy (unintelligible, sounds like "face")... I will do that, I will beat you (off) until (unintelligible oral masturbation from Krackwhore while Peter Gabriel "Shock Spanks the Monkey" in background)...

"Yes... (unintelligible) I am saying this live, so record it and be sure to go after me via the federal authorities, that would be like right up your fucking alley wouldn't it?

"You want my fucking address, motherfucker, Jesus fucking christ Jiminy Farting Christmas, you piece of shit cake..."

(Segment omitted in which Kracker refers to Fansome's real name and city.)

Just kinda makes you want to break out the credit card to buy a Commander Bunny t-shirt and give your personal information to a lunatic on the internet, doesn't it?

Oh, here's yet another love song from Kracker to a pirate radio fan, 7 July 2008, 6925 USB, around 0200 UTC:
Yeah, we sorta bleeped out the name and replaced it with a genuine pig squealing.

If you enjoy this sorta radio entertainment, especially if you enjoy it more than actual pirate radio, you'll love the cannibal hamsters who infest 14275 and 14313 USB (they sorta swap freqs over time): This is where Kracker should devote his considerable talents.

Don'cha luv radio tuff guys? They're almost as scary as internet wise Guise.

Oh, wait...

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I shook my head in disbelief. "There must have been other listeners who heard this and said nothing."

"Again, go back to the standard set by Commander Bunny for his cult, which states 'Never expose or harass a good pirate'. Notice the qualifier?" said Noone. "The only 'good pirate' is CB and his minions. Therefore, all others can be exposed. L Ron Hubbard employed the same standard in his own offshoot of O.T.O., and called it "fair game" and "dead-agenting". You see this in every mind-control, moneymaking cult, whether it's Scientology, Amway, Church of the SubGenius, the Tea Party, the FCC or the Fabulous Rabbit Nuthuggers - which under the bunnyman's heavy paw is the de facto pirate radio enforcement thug branch of the FCC. Notice how Kracker is a minion of both Stang's SubGenius scam and of the FRN cult temple? Cults for morons who think they're too smart to be suckered by cults. Morons like that are ideal for cult scams. I wish I could clone more of him for my own cult, but while there's plenty of rabbit shit the supply of Radio Bob jism has dried up."

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Fair Game (Scientology)
"[Suppressive Persons]... "The purpose ... is to harass and discourage rather than to win... enough harassment on somebody who is simply on the thin edge anyway... will generally be sufficient to cause his professional decease. If possible, of course, ruin him utterly".
--L. Ron Hubbard 1955 order

"[Suppressive Persons]... May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed."
--L. Ron Hubbard 1965 order

Dead Agent (Scientology)
"If there will be a long-term threat, you are to immediately evaluate and originate a black PR campaign to destroy the person's repute and to discredit them so thoroughly that they will be ostracized."
-- L. Ron Hubbard, 1974, Handling Hostile Contacts/Dead Agenting

Fair Game (Rabbit Cult)
"This guy [Doc John of Northern Relay Service] doesn't belong in the pirate community. We've always taken care of problems within our own group. This guy is a problem. A big problem. He is being encouraged by a poster named "LEX" on HF Underground, so you know all the facts. We've dealt with trouble makers in the past and if they are ignored, they go away. If you have a solution, you think will work, do it, for the sake of pirate radio..."
--Commander Bunny order, March 2011

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"CB set the limbo bar standard for pirate confidentiality so low that only rodents, snakes and cockroaches could crawl through," Pol Mak Erigot said with a shrug.

"With his cover blown, Fansome had to set up a new station in a western U.S. ghost town for awhile. It was tricky because he couldn't use the same Go-Go's and Belinda Carlisle songs. And the new songs weren't as readily adaptable to the vocoder effect. But it turned out that Warren Zevon songs had already been used by mercs in Rhodesia for coded radio comms in the field. The trick was in the song order, which shifted with each transmission to correspond with one-time number pads.

"Anyway," continued Pol Mak, "the operation ended in 2010, right around the ass-end the solar cycle. And we got word the FCC began scrutinizing shortwave pirate ops again. There were even unsubstantiated rumors that someone within the FRN was leaking location info to the FCC, but we know of only one person there who has repeatedly claimed to be acquainted with anyone in the FCC. So Fansome went underground, got a new identity and cached his transmitting equipment until things cool off. He gave us the go-ahead to release this info now, although he did request that we not specify the station IDs he used, since these may be revived sometime in the future."

So now we can confirm that, yes, Kracker is a snitch, did expose another pirate op's identity and has been permitted free rein to repeatedly harass other ops - some of whom are generally known "only" as listeners - as long as he continues to toss Commander Bunny's salad. Which, we hear, he enjoys with plenty of extra creamy, milky white Rabbit Ranch dressing.

Kracker was unavailable for comment as of press time but reportedly is now undergoing analysis after blowing an O-ring while occupied as an analyst for MS-13 where he was known by the code name "Mi Ano Duele". Dr. Zoidberg has something soothing for that.

From Images

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Video of the Right Fu Kung Nao: "do you want the total war?" Nope, not the classic Boyd Rice/NON version, but just as much fun and only 25 seconds long. WATCH IT NOW!