JTA Puts Final Nail in FRN Coffin

"A culture jamming war would do no one any good.
 The information overload online is already
 overwhelming and confusing enough."

--By Paul Root Wolpe, Special to CNN, 7/24/12
"Was the Shell oil hoax ethical?"

"Fnord 'em if they can't take a joke.  Or not."
--The Chao of Poo

Special to Tales of Radio Paranoia

by General Shun, DXing Professional

illustrations by Lauren Sheng

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For reference by future generations of pirate radio fans and historians, the FRN died in July 2012.

The corpse may continue to show occasional spasms and zombie-like animations, between the annual domain lapses, but the FRN you once knew is defunct.  It has ceased to be.  It has shuffled off this mortal coil.  It ain't pinin' for the fjords.  It is an ex-parrot.  What you see now is an open grave, a cheap casket with few mourners, and a tombstone etched with a pitiable epitaph: "Herein Lies... lies."
 

The onetime "Free Radio Network" had been on life support since the late 2010-early 2011 mass exodus toward safer sanctuary on the HFU and FRC.  In April 2012 John T. Arthur took the FRN off life support but the brain-dead body clung to a vegetative state of meager existence until July 23, 2012 when JTA put a knife through its heart... from behind its back, of course.

Recently JTA, longtime Belfast, NY mail drop operator and erstwhile FRN cat herder, advocated exposing the identities and locations of shortwave pirate radio operators who'd been "dumb enough to be busted" by the FCC.

In so doing, JTA surprised some of us who, perhaps naively, had once regarded him as a somewhat uncommon voice of reason and sanity in an undeniably quirky hobby.  There was a time, on rare occasions, JTA dared to counter the increasingly insane abuses of Pat Murphy's numerous sockpuppets.  That time is no more.

Specifically he joined "Commander Bunny" of WBNY in repeatedly naming the operator of The Crystal Ship, and, by logical inference, advocating exposing the identities of other pirates who'd met with similar misfortune.  By this same logic, any op who'd gotten The Knock, a NOUO, warning or other FCC enforcement action can expect to see their names, addresses and personal information repeatedly posted on the FRN, the WBNY blog and Facebook pages and everywhere the Virginia Bunnyman pauses to munch a load of his own night poops. This should alarm not only every station operator who has been the subject of any FCC action, but also every active station operator who still uses the Belfast mail drop.

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"Why are we still referring to him by his sock puppet name "John Poet"?  If he was dumb enough to get busted, he doesn't deserve to be called anything but Greg."
--John T. Arthur, operator of Belfast, NY, mail drop. "6925 AM Music and Crying" thread, FRN, July 23, 2012

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Aside from willful ignorance of the difference between an alias or pseudonym and a sockpuppet, JTA also demonstrated to countless free/pirate radio operators and listeners, who have entrusted him with their names and addresses, that respect for personal privacy is subject to whim.  Those posts underscore the disease of hypocrisy and hubris that quickly decimated the FRN after the 2008 "pirate war" led to Pat Murphy (aka, Jerry Michael Graves) resigning his position as site administrator taking his toys and stomping off in a huff... or a minute and a huff.  Thence he donned full time the bunny garb of Lagomurph & His Sock Puppet Crew of Beans, Mosby, Thumper, Bouncer, et al.  This myxomatosis infection spread to full butthurt level by late 2009, by which time his delusional, paranoid hostility, slanderous accusations of enemies as pedophiles and generally questionable closeted aspirations had metamurphosed the FRN into his personal vanity site resulting in a mass exodus to friendlier radio hobbyist websites.

A few of the faithful cling to the corpse, like flies on shit pitiable mourners who can't bring themselves to face reality and bury the body.  They're misled pagans and wannabe druids worshiping at the ruins of a Stonehenge, not realizing the structure never was what they'd been led to believe.  They thought the FRN was a supportive community for pirate fans to exchange info and tips on neutral ground.  Instead it was a temple occupied by an increasingly paranoid, delusional cult leader, his sock drawer acolytes, a minuscule remnant of actual minions and his ever faithful homunculus goon bred from the Lagomurph's sperm and ample supply of bullshit.

Reviewing the old FRN threads chronologically reveals how the site began dying from Murphy's slow poison.  The illness progressed rapidly around 2005 when the toxic effect of his pet homunculus interjected itself.  The Lagomurph's sockpuppetry finally choked the spirit of a once lively and generally gregarious site.  JTA's comments this year merely nailed the coffin shut on a rotting corpse.  All that remains now is to bury or burn the thing.

Cryptically and somewhat ironically, a reply to JTA's April 2012 thread, seemed to hint - wittingly or not - at the rotten core of the bond between the mail drop operator and the Lagomurph:

---

"Want a list of a lot of the folk involved in pirate radio and their addresses? Put a station on the air and offer QSL's."

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At this point it is difficult to tell whether JTA's recent comments were mere recklessness born of frustration over seeing the once proud FRN deteriorate to the level of a bad joke, or carefully contrived to reassert pirate radio as being only for a select group of bad boys.  Either way, he's pandering to the mentality of Murphy and Kracker in advocating an abrasive style that makes the FRN inhospitable to most people who prefer their personal privacy be respected - ops and listeners alike.

Perhaps most humiliating of all for the Lagomurph and his puny FRN coterie, nobody is intimidated any longer.  The Felching Rabbit Nuthuggers have become at best irrelevant and at worst a laughingstock.  Several new stations have emerged with solid signals that reach across the continent and even the world, unlike the WBNY signal that entertains only the varmints in his backyard hutch.  (I will confess to once having heard an authentic WBNY broadcast via my carradio while I was driving near his hutch.)  The hobby continues to draw new listeners.

The loss of trust in the Belfast mail drop is also a loss to traditional DXers who enjoyed receiving QSL cards.  But time marches on and somehow we manage to adapt, even without the Lagomurph's Trojan Bunny gifts festooned with increasingly bizarre symbols that seem to belie a latent obsession with nude men and suicide, even in preference to his former passion for monkey boys.

For what it's worth, many of us who received QSLs courtesy of JTA's mail drop are - or were - grateful for his efforts.  But everything has its limits.  A few postcards and postage stamps don't buy the right to slander fans of a niche hobby or abuse access to personal information.

A comment on Poet's TCS blog last year seems more appropriate now than ever:

---

Anonymous
August 6, 2011 6:10 PM

"The fact is CB is only a part of a cancer that has existed in SW Free Radio for many years.


It's very telling seeing which individuals who like poor magicians attempt sleight of hand deception tricks with their words and deeds in an attempt to make excuses or suggest doubt about the events that are now known by the public. It's the same crap that certain career politicians in Washington use every day. Just say something over and over and maybe it will trump the actual facts. Maybe people will believe it if one repeats something enough times. Or maybe people will just forget in time what happen.


Until the remaining cancer is exposed to the public for what it is, the community will continue to suffer. The worst part of the cancer is JTA. And Zeller is no better. They will cover for each other and watch each other's backs regardless of the unethical behavior perpetrated by their core individuals. They smile to your face, but watch out what happens behind your back!


These individuals will continue to look the other way when wrongs are done by their friends just as they have countless times in the past.


Their lack of ethics bonds their members in common cause simply by association. The result is that no matter what the collective group does as a result of its aggregate ignorance, loyalty to one another will always and forever outweigh any evil actions that may be undertaken. Simply put, for these individuals, truth by association trumps morality.


Pirate operators should be wary! And be careful!

Snakes cannot be trained!"

---

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See Poet's follow up and additional information on this topic.

HERETIC DENIES EXISTENCE OF COMMANDER BUNNY: Murphy thanks JTA "for taking out the trash"

From Profile Photos

Evil Anonymous Voices of Treason

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"Commander Bunny is not real," declared Belfast, NY, mail drop manager John T. Arthur, a veteran of the U.S. shortwave pirate radio scene.  This astonishing news, posted in a recent commentary (Analysis of an FCC Visit) on the Former Rabbit Nuthugger's website, shocked his disciples and confounded DXers.

But, he warned, "The bad attitude is still out there," gesturing toward the ramshackle hutches and festering mounds of cecotropes surrounding the FRN,  a potential breeding ground for myxomatosis reinfection.

"Thanks for taking out the trash, JTA," said FRN propaganda minister Pat Murphy, as the last vestige of the Lagomurphic infestation was eradicated. "Needed to be done for a long time."

We interviewed several sage observers of the tumultuous radio hobby for their reactions:

"Thank God, maybe now JTA will stop mailing those WBNY fridge magnets with gay porn on them."

Matt Purphy
Burger King Rabbit Griller

"No, no, no, Commander Bunny is only mostly unreal."

Miracle Max
Wizard

"Oh, great, what the hell am I going to do with all these 'Commander Bunny: FCC Snitch' bumper stinkers?  Oh, well, if he isn't real then it isn't possible to expose him, insult him or destroy pirate radio.  So that's a good thing."

Stop Sign
Unemployed

 "He must be real.  I just slept with him last night!"

Coney Twentytwelve
Nude QSL Model

"Commander Bunny is as real as that Alaska bridge.  My dummy Kracker and I can see him from my house!"

Sarah Palin
Ventriloquist

"Inconceivable!"

Vizzini
Super Genius

"Okay, JTA, I'm only giving you two more chances to deny me.  And you couldn't tell me this before I spent all that money on Lucifer's Testicles and browsing gay porn for my fridge magnet QSLs?  And spent Easter weekend on a cross?"

Commander Bunny

Nonexistent

Radio Paranoia's Best & Worst of 2011

"...anybody can do one of these lists. There's no objective standard as to what the 10 best are." --NPR's wimpy way of saying top 10 lists suck.

"Top Ten Lists Suck. A Lot."
--Michael Hodson, Go, See, Write

by Guise Faux
Illustrations by Dea Fauxnette

---

We already knew we sucked and we're ruining pirate radio. That was our driving force throughout 2011. Just ask Commander Bunny.

But when National Public Radio told us at the end of December, just as we were drafting our Top Ten list for 2011, that our Top Ten list for 2011 already sucked even before we'd published the damned thing, well... it just gave us the excuse we needed to take a few weeks off. After all, if you can't do a thing well, do it late.

Pheme Ossa took an indefinite leave of absence to work the Ron Paul campaign. We suspect she's doing it ironically, especially since she's wearing her Goldwater '64 campaign t-shirt. Last I looked, I spotted at least three of her sockpuppets on the comments sections on the Ron Paul and Alex Jones sites. She claims it's necessary to defend against the NSA and Mosaad sockpuppets. And I thought I was paranoid.

To cover the Consumer Electronics Show, Brown Nose the Pirate requisitioned an El Dorado convertible and a pint of raw ether "for the Caddy's carburetor". On Friday the 13th he Tweeted: "You know what's great about CES? No, seriously, do you? Because I can't remember a thing."

Last we heard from him was a voice message late Saturday night: "Turn it up!" he screamed. "Just as high as the fucker can go! And when it comes to that fantastic bit where the rabbit bites its own head off, I want you to throw that fuckin' radio into the tub with me!"

We hope he has a good attorney. We also hope Vegas hotels all have GFCI's in the bathrooms.

Before we headed off for Umbrage Island for a sanity break, Dea whipped out the "obey" poster for Commander Bunny in the now-classic Shepard Fairey Roddy Piper style. And if you don't grok the original reference (nope, not Obama, although he clearly is a reptilian), then you've never been forced to kick ass because of an unexpected shortage of bubblegum.

Now that we're back and caught up on comments since the December 25th blog, we surmise that you bastards really love gossip, rumors and scandals. And we love our readers for that.

Rather than a Top Ten list - mostly because we can't think of 10 really significant events from 2011 that are relevant to pirate radio - we're going with a Best & Worst list. In the end, most events were both the best and the worst of 2011.

#1 Best & Worst of allll tiiime!
Was there any doubt? The manic meltdown of WBNY's Commander Bunny dominated the North American shortwave pirate scene throughout 2011. To steal a phrase from the late, lamented Passport to World Band Radio, nothing has provided hour after hour of amusement like the Bunnyman's 2011 antics. Commander Coney & His Lost Planet Sockpuppets earn the Tales of Radio Paranoia top spot for being, simultaneously, the best and worst of 2011.

Rampant sockpuppetry. Forgetting which alias said what to whom, followed by frantic revisions on the FRN. Lying about perceived enemies. Fantasizing about pedophiles under every Canadian woodpile like he'd barely escaped the clutches of some bizarre fantasy cult. Manic blurt-blogging with increasingly frantic incoherence (at one point hitting a record high four paranoid blog posts in a single day). Misogynistic cyber-stalking. Harassing and repeatedly dropping dox on "enemy" ops and listeners alike.

Throughout 2011, it wasn't a question of what the Lagomurph would do next; it was what wouldn't he do next? Whether under his two best known pirate radio pseudonyms or his best known "real" name, he left no stone unturned and no bridge unburned in his desperate pursuit of enemies, real or imagined.

***

Worst of the Worst - Tales of Radio Paranoia
...for noticing #1, and blogging about it.

***

Worst Waste of Tax Dollars - FCC targets HF pirates again
Confirmed knocks and/or written or oral warnings included WEAK and The Crystal Ship. That follows on the heels of at least three warnings in 2010 (one confirmed by the station operator, two unconfirmed).

Actual impact on shortwave pirate radio activity? Hard to estimate. Available data is biased, although not necessarily deliberately. The traditional bastions for North American pirate radio logs - the FRN and Free Radio Weekly e-mail newsletter - tend to be dominated by ops and listeners from a smallish geographic region. If you stick a compass on the southwest corner of Pennsylvania and draw a 500 mile diameter circle, you've probably encompassed 85% of the pirate stations and listener logs reflected in the FRN and FRW. But does that mean 85% of all N. American ops are within that circle? Don't bet on it.

Reference: DIYmedia: Anti-Pirate Enforcement Plummets in 2011

***

Worst Toadying to Media Tyrants - Anti-Pirate Legislation
Nope, not anti-pirate radio. But the misguided, corporate-schlong-sucking SOPA/PIPA legislation (temporarily allayed last week) threatened to be even more menacing than anything the FCC might cook up. Because media megaliths have the lawyers and clout to arm-twist the courts into actually prosecuting and penalizing people for pirated media-ware.

SOPA/PIPA and related efforts may rank even higher than renewed FCC enforcement because it potentially affects not only broadcasters but programmers, bloggers and anyone actively involved in free radio. So far FCC penalties are a pittance compared with the potential fines for pirating intellectual property - music, movies, etc.

Relevant references:
Positions of US Representatives (SOPA) and Senators (PIPA):
Senate: PROTECT IP Act (PIPA)
House: Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA)

Oh Internet: The Death of Megaupload, The Beginning of Web 3.0

"Frightening is the fact that Megaupload was hosted in Hong Kong- how did the US government manage to black out a site based in the other side of the planet? Perhaps even more frightening is that the take-down was performed without the help of the SOPA or PIPA bills written specifically for this purpose. It seems that the United States government already has the tools to impose its will upon foreign websites."

Salon.com: Two lessons from the Megaupload seizure

"Less than 24 hours after the SOPA victory, the Government seizes one of the world's largest websites with no trial"

Dimnet Tries To Be A Hedge Against DNS Censorship
Slate: Stop SOPA/PIPA
Motherboard: Dear Congress - It's Not OK to Be Stupid About the Internet
Motherboard: Break in Case of Censorship

Also see stories linked to: “Firefox Add-On Bypasses SOPA DNS Blocking”.

***

Best & Worst Cruise on de Nile - The FRN Capsizes, Travels Backward in Time.

And nothing of value was lost.

The Free Radio Network, with online roots dating back to the pre-web BBS era, missed opportunities to relaunch and reinvent itself at critical times during 2011. Numerous outages throughout the year could have been taken advantage of to rebuild the venerable site on a more robust platform and more stable servers. Instead the site followed Pat Murphy's lead in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Opportunities were squandered and longtime participants were alienated as Murphy seldom missed a chance to underscore perceptions that the FRN had become little more than his personal vanity site and a roost for the two dominant cliques.

Those perceptions were reinforced in December 2011 when the FRN faithful relocated to Free Radio North America on Google Groups. A quick peek at the group stats told the tale: early membership was mostly the Bowling League, Pat Murphy and a few veteran listeners who'd managed to remain neutral throughout the previous years of nearly continuous bunny-driven drama.

"They've actually sent the FRN further back in time. I honestly had no idea that was possible," quipped a waggish veteran of the US shortwave pirate scene, on the FRN cabal's abandoning ship for the Uselessnet reefs.

Google Groups, for those who haven't visited, is little more than tarted up usenet, one of the oldest and lamest incarnations of the interbutt. Throughout the previous decade uselessnet degenerated from merely a pile of fresh shit that was usually burning due to continuous flame wars, to fossilized dinosaur scat. No topical subdivisions within a group. No way to attach images, let alone the multi-media goodies available with newer implementation of phpBB like the Free Radio Cafe.

---

Dr. Who-Me? invites you and your socks to board the Fucktardis
for a journey back in time to the ass end of the interbutt.

---

Usenet manages to be even less secure than the FRN in terms of member privacy, although the Free Radio North America group does seem to manage to mask member IPs. That, at least, is a small improvement over most radio related uselessnet groups. But member e-mails are easily visible (click on the highlighted ellipses, or three dots in the partially masked e-mail addresses). And if those members are using the same nicks or e-mails they've used elsewhere on uselessnet, chances are their IPs have been recorded in the headers on rec.radio.whatever.

If you subscribe to the theory of Environmental Determinism, you know where this is heading. If it looks like uselessnet, farts like uselessnet and talks like uselessnet, eventually it'll degenerate into just another uselessnet pile of poop. For a peek at the fun times ahead, just Google the hilariously rabid-rabbit frothing from Murphy's various aliases back around 2006 - particularly "Bouncer" (bobsmith6955@yahoo.com) from Newport News, VA.

With a little luck, the FRN might be able to offer a work-release parole deal for Italian cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino. Reportedly he's now negotiating for the role of Quint in a remake of Jaws.

How did the FRN become a salvage case? The short version:

• Failure to upgrade to a more reliable, contemporary platform.
  
• Slowpoke servers.
• Annual outage as domain registration lapsed.
• Rampant, abusive sockpuppetry by former admin Pat Murphy.
• Murphy's repeated misuse of access to personal information to harass perceived enemies.
• Murphy's censorship of unapproved logs.
  

Meanwhile the HF Underground has offered a genuine sanctuary for free and generally friendly loggings and exchanges of information and opinion since 2008, on a more contemporary and stable platform with reliable servers. Ironically, the single notable flame war on the HFU, a couple of years ago, turned out to have been instigated by Murphy under one of his many sockpuppets.

And John Poet of The Crystal Ship stepped up the game by launching the Free Radio Cafe in the spring of 2011, offering an even more advanced phpBB platform that accommodates Flash videos and larger file sizes for direct uploads of graphics such as SSTV and QSLs. If there's been any rivalry at all between the HFU and FRC, it's been of only the friendliest sort. And Poet launched with a written commitment to respect member privacy, ops and listeners alike - something Murphy repeatedly demonstrated he would never actually do, regardless of his claims on the FRN.

While Cosmikdebris, on the Free Radio North America Google group's "What is this and should we care?" introductory statement seemed to extend an olive branch, he didn't make a convincing case for any real reconciliation. In fact, an objective, detached reader might be tempted to ask why any reconciliation would even be desirable, let alone necessary?

But we're not detached. Unless a detached brainstem counts.

At the risk of seeming to nitpick his good intentions, statements such as

"It's become increasingly evident to me that there are distinct disadvantages associated with the message board mode of operation for a community like shortwave free radio."

and

"Some people need to have their own board and their own hugbox. I don't have any problem with this. The three message boards have all been to various extents poisoned by the actions of one or more of their members or admins."

indicate there's little common ground. It would require quite a stretch to compare the occasional snarky remarks on the HFU and FRC with the years of abusive tirades and slanders perpetrated by Commander Coney & His Lost Planet Sockpuppets, as well as by the perpetual presidential wannabe's thuggish veep candidate.

So when Cos sez

"...I would love to see some kind of magic software be created that actually linked up the loggings sections of each of these three boards..."

it begs the question "Why?" The web is huge and diverse. For every hobby there are many completely independent and unaffiliated websites and blogs. There are plenty of good networking options for those who want them. But there's usually a very good reason why most participants on hobbyist and niche websites and forums prefer one over another, and may not want to be associated in any way with other sites despite sharing common interests. Murphy demonstrated that by trying to fuck up the HFU with his "RF Burnz" and "lovemyradios" sockmonsters. Same way he alienated virtually the entire European pirate scene.

Fact is, some twains don't need to meet. Rivers run just fine without having to hold hands or cooperate.

***

Worst Diagnosis - Damn You, Xenu!
The DSM eliminated Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/30/health/views/30mind.html

Crap. There goes another perfectly useful disorder. Maybe L Ron Hubbard was right about psychiatrists.

***

Best Goodfella News - Ragnar Bounces Back
Downside: In 2011 Ragnar put the popular Pirates Week podcast on hiatus while he recovered from carp 'n' grumble syndrome. I have long personal experience with that malady and sympathize completely.

Upside: In December 2011 Ragnar announced the launch of his new show, spotlighting classic pirate radio. So far I've listened to the first two Hall of Fame Spotlights. While I enjoyed hearing those classic shows, I'd like to hear more of Ragnar's narrative, perhaps some documentary style commentary to put the era into context. If he has time, editing some historical narrative into the existing HOF Spotlight shows would make 'em even better. He has a knack for it, a cheerful, friendly voice and an admirable ability to navigate the treacherous pirate waters and tempestuous personalities. In other words, the antithesis of Tales of Radio Paranoia.

***

Worst Use of Radio
How important is radio? Important enough even the well financed drug cartels use radio.
"Mexico drug cartel Zetas have their own radio system"

Meanwhile, the murders and mutilations of Mexican journalists and bloggers at the hands of drug cartels should serve as a reminder that internet "anonymity" is not as safe as some may believe. This reinforces the concept of compact low power radio as a tool for regional communication in waging news, views and propaganda wars. In other words, true clandestine radio, not the entertainment oriented pirate radio we can afford to indulge ourselves in throughout N. America... at least until the drug war crosses our borders.

Related NY Daily News story on drug cartels using radio.

***

Best Occupation of Free Radio?
Unfortunately I was unable to find any specific documentation or names to quote. But reportedly low power FM was used at some "Occupy" movement locations. Besides supporting non-violent anarchy, occupiers also helped contribute to the reminder that radio remains an essential tool of free speech. Whatever your thoughts about the Occupy movement - especially some of the wannabe hippie goofiness and disjointedness - it was a good thing if only because it provided an excellent example of exercising the First Amendment "right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Update 1/26/12 - found a few references for LPFM at "Occupy" events:
Occupy Fayetteville Facebook page
"Madison community groups find a voice in low-power FM radio"

***

Worst Best Move
WBCQ moved from 7415 to 7490, reportedly to avoid QRMing official comms on 7416. On the downside, WBCQ is barely audible now on 7490. On the upside, some pirates are making noises about reclaiming 7415, which has a legacy as a pirate freq predating WBCQ. I still have some old copies of Passport from that era.

***

Best Worst Prophecy
WYFR and Harold Camping, May 21 and October 21. The world didn't end - OR DID IT? 'nuff said. For reasons I cannot fathom, I just can't bring myself to a proper sense of ire over harmless old Brother Sominex. Besides, his Open Forum provided plenty of fodder for pirate spoofs.

Note: Jennifer Waits of Radio Survivor wrote the most balanced articles on this issue. Read 'em if you're actually interested in the WYFR saga.

Now, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, thank you for calling and sharing, and shall we take our next call?

***

Worst Ruiner of Pirate Radio
Propagation. Or, rather, lack thereof. Once again, ManBearPig failed to produce sunspots. I'm super serial. And the year was riddled with Coronary Mess Ejaculations or "solar farts" as the phenomenon are known in the scientific community.

***

Best Retrospective on Curmudgeonly Radio Personality
Okay, it's actually a rerun of a Slate article from 2009. But it's damned good reading. Steely Dan co-founder Donald Fagen's excellent retrospective about radio legend Jean Shepherd resonates both humorously and poignantly now in context of a certain US shortwave pirate radio personality.

"Like a lot of fine-tuned performing artists, Shepherd increasingly exhibited the whole range of symptoms common to the aging diva. He became paranoid and resentful of imagined rivals..."
--Donald Fagen, for Slate

***

Best Creative Radio Paranoia
Just barely edging out Commander Bunny's WBNY "Three Ring Blogger Circus" production for 2011, Gabrielle Chana (aka Gail Chord Schuler), wants you to know that radio is being used to harass and destroy her, and the obscure objects of her desire: Brent Spiner, Hugh Jackman, Matthew McConaughy, Gerard Butler, Judge Terrance Jenkins and Vladimir Putin.

Be warned - the Jesuits have already destroyed Michael Jackson, Billy Mays and Princess Diana; possibly Kim Jong Il as well. (Note: Substitute "the gray aliens" or "the Communists" or "trust-fund bitches" for "the Jesuits" and you'll have a summary of her manifesto, as well as Commander Bunny's.)

***

Worst Omission - Who The Hell Do I Have To Piss Off To Make This List?
Finally, we are disappointed that neither Tales of Radio Paranoia nor WBNY's blog made Salon's 2011 hack blogger list. Alas, Katie Roiphe edged us out with a year-end blitz of boorish blarging. She even managed to surpass Commander Bunny in misogyny, if not in self-parody.

***

Okay, your turn. What's your Best/Worst or Top Ten list for 2011?

Fan Mail and the Pirate's Paradox

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”
-- Oscar Wilde

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We're honoured to find that Commander Bunny enjoyed our most recent Tale of Radio Paranoia, and even offered editorial assistance. We're also grateful to Father Poet of The Crystal Ship for contributing some well considered counterpoints to Commander Bunny's critique of our tale.



A tip o' the dunce cap to Kracker, who suggested the correct spelling of his name. And whilst we're appreciative of the opportunity to correct our error, we're puzzled by his choice to post this publicly on the FRN. We've blurred out the name and location. Meanwhile, the FRN post has vanished.

We appreciate Kracker's usual enthusiasm and readiness to get into character by donning the traditional leprechaun costume to perform some sort of ritual gardening.

---

Commander Bunny also contributed a few editorial suggestions (the unexpurgated version of CB's e-mail may be viewed on Poet's TCS blog). Whilst perusing CB's words of wisdom I was reminded of a variation of Epimenides Paradox:

1. All pirates are liars.
2. I am a pirate.

* * *

"We've been falsely accused of sharing a mailing list with Kracker.

"ITS NOT TRUE."
-- Commander Bunny, 18 July 2011

* * *

Ah, we see there is some perfectly understandable confusion here. We meant that in the same sense that there have been numerous Commanders Bunny. It was another, presumably fictitious, Commander Bunny who provided that information. As we noted in a March 2011 Tale of Radio Paranoia, there have been - much like the Dread Pirate Roberts - many Commanders Bunny throughout his-story. See "Commander Bunny's true identity revealed!"

Unlike the former Commander Bunny, who was well respected for sagacity, generosity and sense of humour, the current Commander Bunny is prone to occasional indiscretions in the sense that a trollop is prone to occasionally dropping her bloomers whilst singing "A farthing a blow! Three for a ha'penny!"

When was the former Commander Bunny displaced by a humourless usurper? Remember the Commander Bunny who had a sense of humour about himself? Good times, good times.

* * *

"Shame I have to even send this email, but the website "Radio Paranoia" has been spreading lies and false information about me and its time to set the record straight." --CB

* * *

We're guessing the Commander hasn't read the masthead for our trifling scandal sheet and metafictional scribblings.

Perhaps, as well, he overlooked those "X" shaped and arrow shaped icons near the top of the browser page. Clicking on either one will relieve the angst provoked by this disreputable eyesore of a blog.

Don't like it? Don't read it. Works just like the tuning dial and volume control on your receiver. I know CB has heard that advice before, because he's given the same advice before.

* * *

"Since the website has only 6 or 8 people who infest it, I felt it better to send an email to you directly. And I've found that if I don't counter the lies, they are taken as fact and spread among the "do-nothings" in the hobby, who want everyone to think they "know something" when they actually don't." --CB

* * *

Oh, our infestation is far worse than only 6 or 8 people, even discounting my own sockpuppets. We can scarcely brew a pot of Earl Grey, hawt, without a few more do-nothings showing up at this mad tea party, eating up all of Evil Elvis's mushroom canapés and then nattering about metaphysics with the Cheshire Cat.

* * *

"For whatever reason this guy "Guise Faux" who was also "Guy Fawkes" of KBOX..."

* * *

Guy Fawkes! That provocateur? I don't recall making any public statements confirming that he and Guise Faux are one and the same. Next you'll be telling me there's no Easter Bunny.


Guy Fawkes is as real, distinct and separate from Guise Faux as Beans, Mosby, Thumper, Bouncer, lovemyradios, Winston, et al, are from Commander Bunny. Those are almost certainly real people, for why would a pirate of Commander Bunny's stature and fearsome reputation need to pillage a sock drawer to muster support?

* * *

"...(who I kindly relayed)..."

* * *

Whoa, old feller, don't dislocate your shoulder patting yourself on the back. But thanky "kindly" for that relay.

Semi-seriously for a moment (cue the violins), I'll paraphrase from an e-mail I send to Andrew Yoder earlier this year after WEAK got the knock...

...99.99% of KBOX and related programmes were relayed by WEAK, a genuine hero and friend of pirate radio.

He was consistently a friend and mentor. Very few listeners and pirates realize how prolific he was. Broadcasting almost every week for two years, and often several times a week, WEAK relayed many shows, both older classic shows and new programmes. Yet he rarely claimed credit. He never took any credit for relaying KBOX or other programmes I produced, or those produced by others who were cutting their teeth in pirate radio.

He is good natured, humble and discrete, the antithesis of the high profile "international relay service" approach of WBNY. He never sought public accolades, never made a sport of insulting listeners or other pirates and - unlike Commander Bunny - never, ever stooped to slandering other ops or listeners in a desperate bid for self aggrandizement. He simply quietly set out to make shortwave radio fun for listeners. And he succeeded.

Whilst WBNY has occasionally listed KBOX amongst the stations he has relayed, in fact WBNY relayed only our very first programme and we have had no other association with WBNY since 2009. Even with that particular 2009 WBNY relay, we received far more signal reports from WEAK's relays of our first KBOX programme. He was so diligent in pursuit of the craft of broadcasting that by autumn 2009 WEAK's audio quality was amongst the best in sideband mode, on par with WTCR and Wolverine. I learned a lot from him about how to prepare the audio in our pre-recorded programmes for optimal results in noisy conditions at the trough of the solar cycle.

WEAK's relays of our programmes included:

• KBOX #1, in the autumn of 2009 (which WBNY also relayed, thanky kindly, your hareness).
• KBOX #2, our Halloween 2009 show (we snoozed through 2010).
  
• Gumby Radio, Jan-Feb 2010, our wee salute to Art Clokey.
• Family Friendly Radio, spring 2010.
• KBOX #3, aka Radio Paranoia, autumn 2010, the predecessor to this penny dreadful we call Tales of Radio Paranoia.
  

WEAK took all of the risk and asked for nothing in return. He's so discrete that even after two years of regular correspondence I still didn't know his name or location until after he got the knock. If I send out only one QSL card in my lifetime, it will be to him. (Sorry, but so far I've issued only those eQSLs that offend His Hareness. But I was happy to prepare unique eQSLs for some listeners and most were of sufficient resolution to make good postcard sized prints at home or in a minilab.)

And WEAK was a genuine fan of free radio, logging any and all pirate shows equally, without regard to cliques, without resorting to sockpuppets to log himself (I'm looking at you, bunnyman), and with as much enthusiasm as any DXer. There aren't many people in the pirate radio scene I'd regard as genuine heroes. He's at the top of my list. He'll be greatly missed as an active free radio operator. (Fansome would be high on my list of pirate ops if not for that obsession with the chipmunk voiced Belinda Carlisle. Yes, yes, I understand it was necessary for national security, but still...)

And, for what it's worth, WEAK did not relay the cut-up/remix I did of CB's audio from the 2006 "pirate feud" show, mixed in with other randomized audio bits. If you still have a banana up your bum over that remix and any broadcasts thereof, your beef is with me and me alone. (See: "7 Minutes to Hell - Part 1", for which I still need to write the followup article, describing CB's hysterical slandering of the wrong person, along with publishing names, ham radio call signs and addresses for the poor schlub's family - one of CB's prouder moments, no doubt.)

If I never do another thing in pirate radio (including figuring out which bits of the transmitter plug in where), I will always be grateful to WEAK for his selfless friendship and encouragement.

And if I never do another thing but blog about pirate radio, I will always be grateful to Commander Bunny for being the larger than life melodramatic caricature of Snidely Whiplash in fursuit we all know and love to toss popcorn at. I doubt any writer, under the influence of any sort of mind altering chemicals, could concoct a more complex and colourful character. Well, other than Eric Cartman.

And dat's da facts, Jack.

* * *

"You didn’t get reception reports because your show S-U-C-K-E-D!!!!" --CB

* * *

Aww, thanks, nice of you to notice.

* * *

"...has decided his role in pirate radio is start false rumors, and spread lies about pirate operators."

* * *

Don't fret, sparky, I promise not to steal your "All who defy my will are child molesters" shtick. You jumped the shark with that particular bit of hysterical fiction.

* * *

* * *

"This low-IQ, slack-jawed, lip-drooling, asshat, Guise Faux is a liar and is destroying pirate radio LOLing at my frightening arsenal of propaganda and talking points from the 'Big Bunny's Book Of Scary Things To Say On The Interbutts'."

* * *

Aww, you sweet talker, you. In all the hundreds of times you've regurgitated that particular line to almost everyone else in pirate radio, I never thought you really, really cared until now.

* * *

"If he put half as much time and attention in producing shows, instead of spreading lies about pirate operators, he could be a respected member of the pirate community."

* * *

Ooohhh... you sly wabbit. You almost had me until that bit about "respected member of the pirate community." You're funny.

* * *

"It is because of this jackass, that I no longer will relay anyone. Apparently relaying his station wasn't enough for this asshole, he had to start an all out smear campaign trollercoaster full of lies lulz and gossip against me."
-- Commander Bunny

* * *

Eh, your transmitter, your risk, your call. Personally, I think you should consider making an exception for Voice of Next Thursday. Gabriel Syme's programming is damned clever stuff. Actually prompted me to listen to the classic Orson Welles Mercury Theatre On The Air episode and the audiobook version of Chesterton's novel. Good way to pass some time, what with the sunspots taking a holiday.



Incidentally, on Poet's blog a reader commented:

"There is no honor among thieves."

So true. And perhaps the pithiest possible summation of the near-continuous state of turmoil in the North American shortwave pirate scene. Commander Bunny is merely following in the tradition of despots and seagoing pirates who cultivated fearsome reputations and enforced their power by occasionally sacrificing a follower who'd lost favour with the leader.

The sage who first said "Lead, follow or get out of the way" omitted a fourth option: Be the jester and troll the fuck out of 'em.

Crapture weekend

Crapture weekend seems to best describe May 20th-22nd, 2011, at least from the limited perspective of radio aficionados. Harold Camping's prediction for a May 21st rapture didn't match the timetable of El Señor. The HFU experienced down time and the FRN upped the ante with major fail. Apparently only their web servers were eligible for the Pearly Gates. And propagation still sucks. Once again we couldn't hear even the faintest trace of a carrier from WBNY's mighty Grenade or Corsair.

But first, our best wishes for a speedy recovery to those in the Joplin, Missouri area, which was devastated by a deadly tornado over the weekend. Joplin is where the server for the FRN is located, which probably explains why the site went down Sunday. We also hope FRN site owner John Cruzan is doing well.

Speaking of the Fabulous Rabbit Nuthugger's personal vanity site being down, we noticed that after a temporary outage in the HF Underpants site Saturday, the bunny mafia was so excited it/they/he couldn't decide which socks to wear for dancing on the HFU's grave. One of RP's sekrit squirrels inside the FRN spied a thread crowing about the HFU's outage that was first attributed to the Prime Minister, (probably a bit of carelessness in the heat of preparing some crow au gratin) which was deleted and replaced by the same post from Officious Pus Release, which was also deleted and finally replaced by Commander Bunny's post declaring "I SHUT DOWN THE HF UNDERPANTS!" "I SHAT MY OWN UNDERPANTS!" We're guessing the first two socks had too many holes for the bunnyman's Holy War against the Underpants Gnomes.

Only a rage comic can do justice to how the bunnyman must feel now that his personal cult site is as dysfunctional as the loopy fur between his floppy ears. But we all know rage comics always end the same way: FFFFFUUUU-


Fortunately, His Hareness still has his own hutch where he keeps fans updated with useful information.

El Señor Major, The Big Mister, The Great Ineffable One, has His own unearthly timetable - and it ain't UTC. So WYFR is back to reruns, with occasional sheepish sounding updates from an announcer (no word from Bro Camping as of Sunday). We at RP don't take much pleasure in pot shots at the Bro. We listen to his programs occasionally and for all the recent fuss, we find him to be somnolent at best and, at worst, no more guilty than many other prognosticators in sleuthing the sooth about the grand finale. (Note to self: Work in a Fin de siècle joke - that dream Saturday night about a shark riding a unicycle through the ocean must bode well for our destiny as the next Nostradamus.)

1. Predict Furpocalypse
2. ???
3. Prophet!!!

'Til next we meet, brethren, this monkey's gone to heaven. And if Kim Deal is there to play and sing, it will be heavenly!

Dream a little dream of CB

I had a dream... was originally inserted into the "Fugue dreams" blog entry, but seemed to digress too far afield. It's related thematically, but seems less cluttered in a separate post. Apologies to our readers (both of you) for any confusion.

---

Anyway, we said to ourselves, "Selves," because GF suffers from referring to ourselves in the plural third person, which makes us almost as inFURiatingly pretentious as the bunny sock-mafia (emphasis on the fur) - "selves," we said, "one day, Commander Bunny will find this blog. And if he hasn't already blown a gasket and leaked varmint sauce all over the internets, let's insert a disclaimer, shall we?: All things considered, we luv da bunnyman's work.

Hard to believe, hmm? After all, look at the snark content of Tales of Radio Paranoia. Sure sounds like a h8r, amirite?

But occasionally CB can be brilliant... when the puppet master doesn't confuse himself with the puppet, and start acting like Anthony Hopkins in Magic, or Cliff Robertson in The Dummy (classic Twilight Zone).

When the bunnyman is at his best - which means, not pretending a 10 watt AM signal makes him King Of All Pirate Radio, and not alienating everyone who's actually independent minded enough to call him on his bullshit about using a basketful of dirty socks to f4g up the For Rabbit Nuthuggers - some of his audio editing voodoo is freaking brilliant. It influenced some of our own programming style - ironic, considering that one of RP's remixes seemed to provoke his latent fear of unanticipated social encounters with other species. But we'll cover that in another Tale of Radio Paranoia.

Meanwhile, give a listen to the WBNY short from 2007, I Had A Dream, 8:30 minutes of rabitty goodness, the sorta weirdness we luv. There's probably a streaming audio version on the Internet Archives, but the URL eludes us at the moment. If anyone else knows, please post it in a comment or e-mail us.

Commander Bunny's true identity revealed!

---

"Murdered by pirates is good..."
--The Princess Bride

---

RP's sooper sekrit network of oh-noes-ninjas! infiltrated the Furry Rodent Nuthuggers and discovered the true identity of infamous shortwave pirate radio legend Commander Bunny.

Those who closely follow the U.S. shortwave pirate radio scene know the myxomatosis carrier is a legend in his own mind (and, to be fair, in troof), whose heritage gains another decade with each retelling. In the early 2000s he claimed to date back to the 1990s. By the mid-2000s he claimed WBNY was born and bred not in a briar patch but in the 1980s. By 2011 his lineage had scurried down a rabbit hole in the Tardis and pre-dated itself to the 1960s. While we fans of the bunnyman (yes, we are one, sarcastic bastards though RP may be) pondered the riddle of rabbit-time, a gift fell into our filthy beer-stained laps, in the form of a lulzy screencap.

Turns out behind that careworn furry mask Commander Bunny is none other than (drum roll, pl0x)... Dread Pirate Roberts!!1one!!11eleven!!

---

"Good night, Commander Bunny. Good work. Sleep well.
I'll most likely kill you in the morning."
--Dread Pirate Roberts

---

Sekrit Skwirrel managed to snatch this copy of a rabbity rant fresh off the Vines, just before someone thought better of it and vamoosed the evidence back into the vault.

Feast your jaded peepers on this gen-you-whine document salvaged from the FRN, guaranteed to be hardly shooped at all. (Max rez version for download.)

An excerpt from the now-deleted thread tells all:

---

"The other BS floating around the internet is that I'm not the "real" Commander *****. Seems I have to explain this every 5 years to the newbie monkeys over 9000 penises who think they know it all! I AM THE REAL COMMANDER ***** YOU DUMB ASSES!

"There have been 5 Commander *****'s over the years. Commander ***** dates back to the 60's and has been passed along to only the most deserving and meritorious Rabbits. You know like the Phantom (oh ghost who walks).

"I am the latest incarnation of Commander *****. Unquestionably the most inventive, intelligent and prolific, and whomever the Rabbit is that takes it over from me, has big paws to fill!"
--Commander Bunny bunnifesto, 3/18/11

---

He seems... I don't know... grumpy.

But how f*****g awesome is that! Even with the cryptic asterisks, the f*****g awesomeness provokes me into yet another spasm of metafictional bliss. I'm betting the original Commander Asterisk must have been William Goldman himself!

---

Buttercup: You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it.
Commander Bunny: With pride. What can I do for you?
Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.

---

We're guessing the original Commander ***** must have been loitering in the Saigon whorehouse room beneath Dave Rabbit's when Radio First Termer was oddcasting. The RFT mojo seeped through a rabbit hole in the floor and splooged all over the first poor fellow whose destiny it was to become the progenitor of a long line of talented, entertaining and increasingly curmudgeonly harecasters.

We note that ComBun is still struggling with the concept of "free". Free pogey bait from WBNY = good. Free speech on IRC or by "competitors" on radio = EVIL, GO DIE IN A FIRE!!! Ohh, the lolocaust.

Now, you didn't actually think we'd really expose ComBun's real identity did you? FFS, we may be trolls but we're not snitches. We leave that job to the bunny mafia. (More about that in an upcoming article.)

---

"Dread Commander Bunny had grown so rich, he wanted to retire.
He took me to his Montana cabin and he told me his secret.
'I am not the Dread Commander Bunny' he said. 'My name is ****...'"

"His name was 'asterisk' too?"

"Yes, well, never mind... I inherited the FRN from the previous
Dread Commander Bunny, just as you will inherit it from me.
The man I inherited it from is not the real Dread Commander Bunny either.
His name was **********. The real Bunny has been retired
15 years and living like a king on the Outer Banks.'"

---

Got any lulzy or informative screencaps or HTML copies to share? Drop RP a line. We don't pick on the FRN exclusively (at the moment we're just way behind on so much FRN hilarity it only seems like we're picking on them - hey, when you're the best, as you always affirm, ya gotta be ready for bushwhackers like RP). If it's radio-related and srsly funny we wanna hear the juice. We'd prefer unedited copies or screen shots - we'll do the shooping around here, varmints.

And only a moron would drop docs on anyone in the pirate radio scene, including people you think are "only" listeners - some of them are also ops. First of all, it violates the Prime Directive. Second, we don't give a shit. The real identities of most people in the pirate radio scene are irrelevant. As veteran FRN leader Pat Murphy often reminds us, much of pirate radio is a magic act - we don't need or even want to know how it's done. Only a very few people in pirate radio (for example, commercial broadcast media figures or those with political connections) might be considered "public figures" by most news media standards and cannot expect the same degree of privacy and anonymity. If we spot sockpuppets we'll check 'em for holes ourselves laugh. We're not here to fuck up people's real lives. But having fun with online shenanigans is fair game. And if you are so wrapped up in your pirate persona that you think it's real life, umm... it's not that important. Go take some food to a struggling family. Drive an elderly or handicapped neighbor to their doctor's appointment. Masturbate. All these are more important than pirate radio. Unless you're Lad, in which case masturbating while on air is probably a priority.

Until next time... have fun stormin' da castle! And stay tuned for the wrap-up of the Fester Trilogy, to be published as soon as BNtP comes out of his Jenkem-induced coma. Not fer nuttin' is he called Brown Nose the Pirate.

And for bumfuzzled lurkers, Commander Bunny is among the most talented and prolific shortwave pirate radio figures. Also occasionally rather too fond of the smell of his own farts, but aren't most creative people furries? (Actually his sockpuppeting nuthuggers are more pestiferous than ComBun hisself since they occasionally manage to f4g up the FRN so badly there isn't a facepalm in the world large enough to contain the samef4ggotree.) You can nibble from his garden by downloading or streaming audio from his various shows hare or hare, and friend him grovel to his majesty hare. He also offers excellent QSL packages for confirmed signal reports. RP has none since our unfunny efforts at degassing the lagomorph prolly don't endear us to his hareness. But we might ask for some pogey bait after we're safely behind seven maildrops.

---

Brown Nose the Pirate: Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
Commander Bunny: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Commander Bunny.
BNtP: Really? You think so?
ComBun: No. You're a troll. You're ruining pirate radio. Burn in hell.

Fester, Part 2

As we resume our tale, RP remembers why we seldom approve per diem for Brown Nose the Pirate's freelance DXpeditions.

The ICOM elevator stops, but we're between the sixth and seventh floors. I can hear a garbled, whining voice coming from the hallway. I'm reaching for the emergency phone when the Jay-Kracker hybrid calmly raises a hand to indicate I should wait. "Our destination is between the sixth and seventh storeys," he explains.

With one hand he gently pats the Kracker-shaped lump under his tent-sized t-shirt and mutters "Shhh... shhh... my little feejee mermaid." With the other hand he slides open a hidden compartment on the control panel to reveal a tuning knob labeled "Jog Storey." He turns the dial slowly and the digital display reads 6.300... 6.350... 6.400... "This old ICOM elevator is slow," he says. "The internal backup battery died last year and the software was screwed up. We're hoping for an upgrade from ICOM by next Fest."

"You should get a software defined elevator," I suggest.

He glares at me. "Those things without real knobs? No, thanks."

The shrill voice outside the door is still mostly garbled and unintelligible, but seems familiar.

"You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and I won't have it! Is that clear? You think you've merely stopped a few stations. That is not the case!"

I tilt an ear toward the elevator door, trying to recognize the voice. It seems familiar.

"Yes," Jay replies, "it's him. But no one ever hears him clearly until we reach nearly the seventh storey." He continued fine tuning "6.900... 6.915... 6.925..." and the voice snapped into sudden clarity.

"...have taken over frequencies, and now they must give them back! It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity! It is ecological balance! These are the enemies. There are no pirates but me! There are to be no slack-jawed, lip-drooling, knuckle-draggers! You will serve as vice president at my pleasure! Don't tell me about your Bowling League. Did you really believe they'd have any say in this? There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion...

The elevator door slides open, obscuring the shrill keening for a moment.

"...of me!"

I look up. We're on floor 6.925, a hidden storey between the 6th and 7th. I step toward the hall but Jay urgently waves me back. It's only been a few minutes since my last shot of Cuervo and Mickey's chaster but I'm getting antsy. And that suckling sound under Jay's carnival sideshow of a t-shirt is grating my nerves.

"Wait!" he hisses. "Listen!" And I do. The oddly pitched voice careening down the hall toward us is scouring my ears like a steel wool Q-tip dipped in Comet cleanser.

"My QSL packages will determine the totality of life on this planet! That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And YOU have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and YOU... WILL... ATONE! Am I getting through to you, Kracker? You get up on your little 10 watt Corsair and howl about Bozo and Fansome and asshats and free speech and how you won't QSL and then you play Grateful Dead songs that nobody gives a crap about. There is no Bozo! There is no Fansome! There is no free speech! There is only WBNY and our affiliates and our mighty 8-watt International Relay Service!" (The voice is like Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, when he was dissolving in Dip. Only more annoying, if that's possible.)

"But people will think I'm an asshole." (I'm hearing another voice... like Kracker's voice... but it can't be... he's in here, under Jay's shirt...) "I mean, just this week I accused Mr. Announcer of being a sockpuppet for Radio Ronin Shortwave and I fucked up. I forgot that Mr. Announcer is the op for CYOT. So I had to delete my post to cover my butt. Maybe he'll quit, I don't know. He seems so polite. I shouldn't be such an asshole all the time..."

"You are an asshole! Never forget it! It's what you do best! As my vice president your job is to troll my enemies, flame them, discourage them, chase them away from my Furry Rodent Network, For Rabbit Nuthuggers only!"

"But Pat always told us to never attack another pirate..."

"DOES PAT SEEM LIKE HE'S IN CONTROL OF ANYTHING ANYMORE?!?" (Came the shrieking voice.)

"I guess not. But why me?"

"Because you're on the radio, dummy. Six people listen to you every time you broadcast. Consider yourself lucky that you're not one of my designated nut polishers. That job is for Mosby and Thumper."

"I have seen the face of God."

"You're goddam right. Never forget it. Now get the fuck out of here and sell some of my t-shirts. Take plenty of extra large. The lobby is full of overweight middle aged DXers."

Jay motions me out of the elevator. A door slams open and shut again, toward the end of the hall where the shrieking voice seemed to be. A haggard 40-ish guy wearing aviator sunglasses shuffles past, shaking his head. Suddenly I recognize him - it's Kracker. "Fuck you, Bozo," he mutters without enthusiasm as he passes.

"Love you more," Jay replies gently.

Fuck me again, I'm thinking, and nearly swivel my head off spinning around to look at the lump under Jay's shirt.

Jay chuckles, bitterly. "You thought this thing suckling from my belly was Kracker? No. It's a clone, one of Dr. Benway's experiments gone horribly awry. Benway made it for me after culturing bits of spittle from Kracker's roaches and beer bottles and droplets of bile from his vomit. I suppose Benway thought I would punish and torture it as the real thing has tormented me." He paused for a moment, deep in thought.

"It's as cruel as the real thing, and even more effective at manipulating me into feeling sorry for it and putting up with its abuses." Jay looked down and rubbed the squirming lump. "My little homunculus. My little bit of revenge." He looked up sadly and muttered "Be careful what you wish for."

Benway, I'm thinking... I should have known he'd be mixed up in this. I watch the real Kracker shuffling dejectedly down the hall where he raps out a coded knock on a door. A few muffled words are exchanged and the door is opened. After Kracker enters the room a lank-haired guy peers out into the hallway with nervous, ferretlike energy. He looks like Robert Crumb. I'm half expecting Fat Freddy to show up next. He catches my glance and vanishes like his head was yanked back on a leash, leaving a cloud of smoke and Ozium behind.

"Cosmikdebris," Jay says, behind me.

I nod my head. "Sure, makes sense."

"This way," he says, indicating the room from which the shrieking voice had come. The coniglio di tutti conigli. I'm thinking of my Sheridan Blue Streak .20 cal. pump back home. One pill to the head always did the trick on lagomorphs. But this one had a serious mean streak. It had survived several assassination attempts and seemed to thrive on venom, bile and spite. Only the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch would do, and the nearest armory was in Pittsburgh at Our Lady of Perpetual Hostility.

I'm thinking back to my days as a covert anti-therapist/debriefing specialist for Benway, back when major medical insurance covered T.D, Total Demoralization. That was before Kaczynski, before the media found out what we really did. I remember Benway's theory:

"An agent is trained to deny his agent identity by asserting his cover story. So why not use psychic jiu-jitsu and go along with him? Suggest that his cover story is his identity and that he has no other. His agent identity becomes unconscious, that is, out of his control..."

Yeah, I'm thinking, why not. It might work. Rumor had it the bunnyman was a spook in a former life. Rumor had it he'd broken, lost the veils between his multiple cover aliases and his true identity... if there ever was one. Probably already primed for a post-hypnotic suggestion. All I needed was the key word or phrase. I mentally sorted through the triggers we'd been using to provoke predictable rages. Had to be one of those... maybe an offhand mention of a Canadian pirate radio station was all it took.

Jay rapped out a peculiar pattern on the door: .-- -... -. -.--

I'm looking down and see a shadow break across the green light under the door. The door cracks open. An acrid odor wafts by... old cedar shavings, urine and something hellish that seemed familiar.

Jay gestures for me to go in. For a moment I'm transfixed by the growing wet splotch on his t-shirt where his little Kracker-homunculus is suckling on... what? I shake my head, take a deep breath and move toward the door.

"Be careful what you wish for!" Jay hisses sharply, then turns and stalks away.

(To be continued.)