'Melodramatic' Solar Flare Threatens To Disrupt Pirate Radio

Brown Nose the Pirate, Staff Writer
Radio Paranoia News Disservice/June 8, 2011
OFFICIOUS PUS RELEASE - FOR IMMEDIATE PUSTROBUTION

---

An unusually melodramatic solar flare observed by a Defense Emissions Radiation Projects space observatory on Tuesday could set the stage for some emotional disruptions to shortwave pirate radio over the next week or so, officials said on condition of anonymity.

R1 radio blackouts are predicted to continue through June 9, said a cowardly rumor mongering anonymous official, who added "Don't mention my name, okay? I don't need any aggravating e-mail from Commander Bunny, like the last DERP guy whose name was quoted in connection with a solar flare that disrupted radio. He still has myxomatosis scabs."

The Sun's grandly theatrical discharge unleashed a firestorm of overacting on a level not witnessed since the infamous Summer 2008 pirate war, and will likely lead to retaliatory radiation from WBNY's International Relay Service by the weekend, according to the Harmful Airborne Radiation Emissions Service.

"I sense the monkey paw of Bram Stoker in this," asserted Commander Bunny, self-declared leader of the Rodent Revolution. "And if not him, then it's almost certainly the fault of Al Fansome or Radio Ga-Ga. I wouldn't put it past the Canadians to get Doc John involved in molesting the ionosphere either. He's always going on and on about HAARP, probably runs the whole thing himself.

"I'm expecting SIO 555 signal reports all weekend, if I have to unleash my entire sock drawer to get the results I demand. There will be Karmic retribution if I get anything less," declared the hare. "Science? Don't give me that crap. Physics don't apply to me.

"Are you putting in enough exclamation marks and random capitalization?" demanded the rabbit. "Let me see your notes - no, you're doing it wrong, I don't care what the AP style guide says. You nasty reporters, you're ruining my press conference," said the rabbit.

A bystander's pickle was then snatched away by a man, later identified as his vice presidential candidate, Kracker, who, apparently believing it to be a microphone, held the pickle close to his lips and slurred "Yew guise wanna f00kin play? Lesh play." The presidential and vice presidential hopefuls were then hoisted up and tucked under the enormous t-shirt of campaign manager Mr. J.S. of Mount Kisco, NY, who was heard to say "No, you can't have another minute."

"This flare-up was nothing short of scenery chewing," said George Spelvin, program coordinator for the HARES Melodramatic Outpouring Prediction Engine.

"We saw the initial flare for the melodramatic occurring and it wasn't that big, just a slight sobbing sound and sniffling, comparable to Glenn Beck's "Ah jes' luv mah country, an' ah feer fer it" speech, but then the flame war associated with it -- we got lagomorphic universal laughs beyond what we normally see with a big coronal mess injection," he said.

Those psychodrama energy levels, measured in lulz, are expected to confine any low power shortwave radio emissions to a geographic area roughly the size and shape of a typical rabbit hutch, and to a few imaginary listeners in Berserkistan, said the HARES spokesman. "Not much different than in favorable propagation conditions," he added with a shrug.

Asked for comment on how the solar melodramatic flare would affect the weekend's Radio Paranoia programming, spokestroll Guise Faux said "Radio? We don't do radio. We're trolls."

Sheen drives invisible car off invisible cliff
In a related story, embattled actor Charlie Sheen added another chapter to his increasingly bizarre story when he claimed to have driven an invisible car off an invisible cliff. Sheen claimed this week's solar flare disrupted the vehicle's automated HAARP-proof guidance system (available from The Power Hour and similarly reliable GCN affiliates, next to the Chi-magnets).

Faced by skeptical reporters who asked about his absence of apparent injuries, Sheen declared "They're invisible injuries. What are you, a moron?"

"I was just on my way to a high security telephone hookup with my buddy Alex Jones, and I'm in the zone, I'm in the phone-cone, I'm in the Cone-of-Silence-of-the-Sheeple, look at all the stupid people being fleeced," explained the actor.

"I'm, like, bi-invisible. No, no, I'm TRI-invisible. I'm do-or-die-invisible, winning pie-in-the-sky invisible, man, I'm WIN-visible," explained Sheen. "You can't figure me out."

"That part is actually true," said a police spokesman in response to Sheen's final statement. No investigation is planned.

"I will defend Charlie Sheen's honor to the death," declared celebrity-mooching starstruck talk radio host Alex Jones. "His death, I mean."