GOLGOTHA, Easter, 8 April 2012 - A Hampton Roads, VA/OBX, NC, man in a bunny suit who spent the better part of Easter Sunday transmitting secret messages while hanging from a crucifix to which he nailed himself on Friday would like you to know that he's only going to put up with your lack of fealty and shenanigans for another hour or two before he has a good mind to come down and not send you any gifts.
"I spent the better part of March tweaking my Grenade transmitter, mounting my Super Loop antenna atop this crucifix, dying eggs, weaving baskets, hand-crafting grass from organic materials," said the clearly peevish man in the tattered pink fuzzy costume, "not to mention countless hours browsing gay porn sites and printing photos of nude men on refrigerator magnets... and the best you can do is 'Decent signal into WNY for a change.'?"
"I must say, this is going to put a serious damper on my enthusiasm for some of you after I'm resurrected," the man intoned carefully and deliberately, wanting you to understand the full extent of his disappointment with your failure to log his Easter weekend shortwave pirate radio broadcasts. "Ppbbbt! Ppbbtt!" he added, trying to use his tongue to dislodge a bit of pink fuzz that had fallen onto his lip.
Meanwhile, Thomas Kinkade, famed 'Painter of Light' and 'Pisser of Pooh', was resurrected Sunday after his unexpected death Saturday, April 7.
"It's a family tradition," explained Jesus. "Every year we have the pick of two assholes, one of whom gets the Paradise ticket with me."
Said the Risen Son of God, "It was an easy choice this year. Kinkade made a lot of grandmothers and great aunts happy."
The Messiah added, "We received lots of affidavits extolling the virtues of the fellow in the bunny suit, but upon investigation they all turned out to be his own sockpuppets. Besides, my Father, The Holy One, Blessed Be He, takes a dim view of fellows who fondle Lucifer's Testicles. His ticket is for the southbound train."