Monday, August 29, 2011

Commander Bunny, Kracker, Survive Storm, Call Press Conference

The Sludge Report - by Matt Sludge

Pat Murphy Still in Seclusion Under Sedation.

(Rooters - 29 August 2011)

Norfolk,Va. - Commander Bunny and Kracker survived the worst Hurricane Irene could dish out, huddled in a bass boat in the Great Dismal Swamp. In a press conference called via Grenade and semaphore the two spoke about their ordeal.

"I guess that storm didn't reckon that I grew up in a swamp," said Kracker. "This kind of stuff is nothin' for me!"

"It's true," chimed in Commander Bunny. "He tied the boat off to a big Bald Cypress and we huddled under a tarp in each other's arms until the storm passed. It was so roman..."

"Shut up Commander," Kracker interrupted, "these news hounds don't need to know about our private life."

"But you were so heroic, my pocket-sized Adonis!" said the Bunny. "I want the world to know what my Kracker did for me."

"Don't you mean to you, Commander Bunny?" quipped a WROV reporter.

At this, Kracker snarled, "Listen, bud, what a man and his Bunny do in the privacy of a bass boat is their own damned business."

"I love it when you're so butch, Honey," the Commander assured his goon, "but maybe it's time we wrapped this up? Th-th-th-th-That's all, folks!"

With that the Bunny hopped in the basket of the pink bicycle Kracker had commandeered from a seven year old girl. "There's a Walmart that blew down in Suffolk County, you know we need plenty of new socks, Krack-Krack."

"Gawddammit!" said Kracker, "I told you not to call me that in public! Who's the man in this relationship anyway?"

"That depends what night it is, dear," giggled the rabbit, as the two peddled off in search of socks and internet access.

In other news, famed pirate radio proponent and champion of all that is good and true, Pat Murphy is still in seclusion at his Virginia Beach home. A spokesfurson said, "It was rough storm, lots of wind and high water, but we made it without much damage. Oddly, Mr. Murphy's bass boat turned up in the driveway during the storm. We're thinking it was carried here by a freak hurricane generated tornado. Sadly, the neighbor girl's bicycle was stolen by a looter who resembled a leprechaun, but her parents and Mr.Murphy's handlers are going to chip in on a new one."

Asked about Mr. Murphy's condition, the spokesperson responded, "He's doing as well as can be expected for man of his years and condition. He has his moments of lucidity then it's back to ravings about giant rabbits, conniving poets, crying out for someone named Paul, and claiming to be the 'Wiz'. It's quite sad, but we hope to have him checked out by a neurologist as soon as things return to somewhat normal in the region."

The spokesperson declined requests to interview Mr. Murphy, saying that Murphy was heavily sedated and largely unresponsive. "The only time he does respond is when we call him 'Billo', which he insists on.

"When he's 'Billo' he thinks this is Montana and becomes agitated when he can't see the Rockies out of his window."

Oddly, at just that moment a melodious male voice rang out from the house, "Where are the Grand Tetons! I needs to see me some ta-ta's!"

With that Mr.Murphy's spokesperson asked to be excused saying, "Billo's back, I have to go, but call me for updates. Mr. Murphy will be overjoyed to hear so many people care about his welfare."

More to come as internet, phone service and carrot supplies return to normal.


  1. 'Virginia Beach'?

    Well, ok, I guess this is a work of fiction

  2. Not if you've ever been invited over to visit him.

  3. Before or after he moved?

  4. So,will this scene included in any Deliverance sequel?? I can hear the banjo music already.

  5. this is the best blog ever!!!
    thanks for the laugh!!!
    fuk'n hillarious!!!!

  6. That ain't no banjo he's strummin'!

  7. trollin



    gotta keep em


  8. Seriously, what the Hell happened to the creaking, rusthole-shot Yugo that is/was the FRN Vines? Server floated out to the Atlantic? Hackers? Crackers? The rabbit ate the damn thing?

  9. Booo, grade-school homophobia is just not funny. Radio Paranoia is usually more clever than this. Is Matt Sludge some kind of potty-mouthed anti-Kracker?

  10. "...grade-school homophobia is just not funny..."

    Interesting point. That's the tricky bit to parody. Will the reader recognize these as ironic references to the type of sophisticated humour often employed by Kracker and Commander Bunny, under the wise tutelage of Eric Cartman? (i.e. "I say, old chap, you appear to be suffering from a rather awwwful case of teh ghey.")

    Or are we at Tales of Radio Paranoia just being assholes?

    Even we don't know ourselves some days.

  11. "Listen, bud, what a man and his Bunny do in the privacy of a bass boat is their own damned business."

    Maybe we're just being voyeuristic.

    "Will the reader recognize these as ironic references to the type of sophisticated humour (sic) often employed by Kracker and Commander Bunny"?

    INDEED, Guise! In that context, it IS funny-- and just a bit of their own kind of medicine sent back at them-- although much less crudely done than their usual quality.


    "...humour (sic)..."

    Heeeyyy... did you just sarcastically [sic] our faux-Britishism? Grrr... don't force us to sic our socks on you, Anonymous. We've a drawerful of fearsome support hose just waiting to be unleashed!1!one!1 Fear teh sox!11!eleven!

    To grok the zeitgeist, listeners unfamiliar with the assorted sordid silliness should avail themselves of the 2006 "Pirate War" VOMG RJI programmes (yes, plural - when Kracker sinks his teeth into people suffering from teh ghey, once is never enough); and the WBNY entries for the 2006 version of the perpetual pirate war.

    Ahhh... that was the Golden Era of Classic Pirate Radio, when men were men and couldn't get enough male bonding... or was it bondage?

  13. Naw, I was [sic]ing the appplication of the phrase 'sophisticated humour' as being applied to Kracker and Bunny, more than the actual spelling thereof.

    That may not be a strictly proper use of the [sic] term, but in this case, I felt it applied. :)


Anonymous comments are welcomed to encourage frank participation. No need for your e-mail, OpenID, or Google accounts. Use a freebie proxy if you prefer when visiting ToRP, there are many.

Comments may be deleted if they:
1. Expose personal info about people who aren't public figures or limited-purpose public figures (if you're not sure, Google those terms). Don't drop dox, kthxbai.
2. Threaten real-life violence or stalking. This is just the interbutt. Got aggro? Go play some video games.
3. Fail to amuse us. But we're easily amused.

There may be a short delay before your comment appears, especially if links are included in your comment.