Happy Birthday, 9/11

"Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away." -- Abraham Lincoln, Second Inaugural Address

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Hey, Li'l 9/11, happy 10th birthday! You're from good stock, and one of Daddy Warbucks' favourite orphans. We radio conspiracy theorists remember you from when you were just a gleam in William Cooper's eye. Ah, the Hour Of The Time - the undisputed king of conspiracy theory radio. I miss that era. Tom Valentine and Radio Free America. Chuck Harder and For The People. Texe Marrs. Bo Gritz. Col. Prouty.

Remember your older siblings? Ruby Ridge in 1992. And 1993 was a big year: the first World Trade Center bombing; Waco and the Branch Davidians. Oklahoma City and the Murrah federal building in 1995. Ah, those were the good ol' days of radio-driven paranoid conspiracy theories and firebrand revolutionary patriotism, before Rudy Giuliani couldn't open his mouth without invoking 9/11, and Alan Jackson hadn't yet become his own South Park parody.

Nine-Eleven, we know you've been shuffled from home to home like a difficult foster child, paraded around like a trophy, and used as an excuse to feed an insatiable war machine. We know you were abused during your formative years. Sorry about that. The presidents kept telling us you got those black eyes from falling down because you were an "awkward kid." Now we know better.

But to make up for all that, America has prepared a great party. We'll be chattering about you all day so we can sell more advertising. Politicians will promise to take you places - well, mostly out of places we don't want to be anymore - but it'll always be "maybe later." And we made all kinds of commemorative gifts.

So, happy 10th birthday, 9/11. Hope you like crap!

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"I'm quite surprised that they have not as yet released their 9/11 line of commemorative coins, plates, tee shirts, souvenir spoons and jewelery!" --18 August 2011, salon.com reader

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Oh, nice going, internet. Look what you made HSN do:

Home Shopping Network pimps commemorative coin.

One ounce of silver for for only $139.95? And they donate $10 to the National September 11 Memorial and Museum? Such a deal.


There are even tutorials online with tips for patriotic people who are interested in collecting 9/11 coins. I'll summarize the salient bits of each tutorial:

1. Buy enough genuine silver or gold 9/11 commemorative coins or medals to make the effort worthwhile. At one ounce each, a dozen should do nicely.
2. Stack them with a small sheet of archival paper between each coin, and wrap the stack in an archival paper wrapper - available from any numismatist.
3. Slip the wrapped stack of 9/11 commemorative coins into a corrosion resistant stocking - available from fine gun dealers.
4. Visit a nearby engineering college or convenience store.
5. Hand the stocking full of wrapped coins to the first dark-skinned man you see at the engineering college or convenience store.
6. Politely ask the man to swing the stocking around like a bolo and smack you upside the head. Repeat until the sensation of being a sucker disappears.
   

Or, for the real pirates among you, how about the Nine-Eleven Commemorative Ship of Freedom©. At nearly 13 feet long, 8 feet tall, and 4 feet wide, it's large enough to accommodate remote piloted technology to sail unmanned to Somalia, along with a cargo of enough plastique to help combat the scourge of the cowardly non-broadcasting pirates who are ruining priate radio, and who have stupid nicknames like Big Mouth, White Butt, Small Butt, Butt Butt, Silver Tooth, Red Teeth, Butt Tooth, Abdi the Liar, Said the Tedious, Hizbal Zarhirtin, Krackwhore the Snitch, Brown Nose the Pirate, Yuuz Trollan and Imnaught Trollan.

But how about an alternative to those tacky commemoratives? Support homegrown hare-orism. Buy some WBNY t-shirts with satellite tracking targets, refrigerator magnets with mind control emitters, and QSLs that double as get-out-of-asylum-free cards. Be sure to ask for the Guise Faux special with the giant "WE HEART BLOGGERS" logo. Send the money you saved directly to the most deserving memorial fund. No matter what, you'll always be our favourite sucker real American hero.