Murphy Scrambles To Salvage Floundering Commander Bunny Campaign

Secures Last Place Finish by Hare-Thin Margin
Bunny Clinches Spot Firmly Behind Rights Activist Fred Karger
Hare Confesses "I'd rather be atop Perry in the polls."

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Brown Nose the Pirate, Staff Writer Troll
Radio Paranoia News Disservice/Sept. 28, 2011
OFFICIOUS PUS RELEASE - FOR IMMEDIATE PUSTROBUTION

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As the crazy-train campaign of Commander Bunny continues to run off the rails, we were granted a rare look inside the political machine of the perennial presidential-hope(ful)less and psychiatric ward escapee.

Meanwhile, suffering a meltdown rivaling that of opponent Rick Perry (aka "Flubber" and "Bush Zero") during the recent Republican debates, Commander Bunny added the names of several figures from the shortwave pirate scene to his ever growing enemies list, further alienating his dwindling support base.

Inside the WBNY studio, the bunnyman was photographed having an apparent nervous breakdown, sitting on the floor wearing a diaper, tissue boxes on his feet and with what appeared to be a growth of hair, beard and fingernails untrimmed since his failed 2008 campaign and subsequent confinement in an insane asylum, where he was remanded after courts ruled he was unfit to stand trial as the notorious Virginia Bunny Man, but otherwise fit to run for public office. Small rodents were visible nesting in his beard.

"Look at this list of enemies of pirate radio! Look, here's proof!" he sputtered, holding up what appeared to be a length of feces-soiled toilet paper. "They're ruining my fun! It used to be that only I was allowed to abuse other pirates and listeners! Now they're fighting back, daring to oppose me. Even worse, they're LAUGHING AT ME!!!" The disconsolate rabbit buried his face in the "list" and moaned "Shit-shit-shit, the whole thing stinks!"

"Ah-ha!" he squeaked, plucking a dried bit of fecal material from the toilet paper 'list'. "I give them names, you know," he confided.

"Such as?", the reporter asked.

"Such as... names of enemies," he murmured, staring at the fecal pellet. "I'll call this one... 'Guise'," he concluded, and popped the turd into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully.

Asked if he could elucidate any coherent policies that might regain supporters, the Commander yelped "My health care plan! Mandatory mxyomatosis vaccines!"

When it was pointed out that mxyomatosis affects only lagomorphs, the Rodent Revolution's prime candidate screamed "Here! Have a goddam QSL package!" then dug into his diaper and flung brown M&Ms at the reporter. Upon examination the brown pellets turned out to be cecotropes, each personally expelled and individually autographed by the bunnyman.

"They're nutritious and flavorful," he whispered confidentially, shoveling pawsful into his mouth. His eyes widened and glistened with that irresistible cuteness beloved by anime fans and hunters. Through muffled sobs he moaned "I only wanted to share. Don't hate me because I'm so hareful."

"How do you explain your many attacks on pirate radio operators and fans?", asked a reporter. "You've used multiple sockpuppets to dominate the FRN - to which you confessed in your blog earlier this year, before deleting your confession. You've trolled other pirate radio websites and usenet to flame rivals, using sockpuppets named Beans, RF Burnz, lovemyradios, Bouncer, Thumper, Mosby, and too many others to list.

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Asked to explain the increasingly bizarre behavior and hypocritical actions... Pat Murphy, snapped, presciently, "I don't know myself anymore."

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"You've flamed, lied about and attempted to expose well liked pirate radio operators such as Radio Ga-Ga and Doc John. You used the pseudonym 'Bob Smith' in an attempt to expose Doc John and have his station shut down. You've gloated over the FCC actions toward John Poet of The Crystal Ship, and unnecessarily repeated his personal information on your blog, including exposing his family to your temper tantrums. You've been caught harassing and lying about many shortwave pirate listeners. You've given tacit approval to your henchman Vice Presidential candidate Kracker's abuses of other pirates and listeners. You're accused of abusing access to IP information for FRN members, and abusing access to names and mailing addresses for your ebay sales of WBNY memorabilia through a Virginia based vendor.

"You've repeatedly accused Artie Bigley of reporting TCS to the FCC yet you have never provided a shred of credible evidence - and the so-called evidence you did provide proved to have been clumsily falsified by you. Do you believe at this point there is any hope of protecting what little remains of your legacy, let alone winning an election?"

"I can't hear you, can't-hear-you, can't-hear-you," Commander Bunny chanted, stuffing wads of feces-soiled toilet paper into his long ears. "Nyah-nyah-nyah!!!"

Behind the scenes, the bunnyman's handlers admit they're struggling to replace the alienated pirate radio operators and fans.

"Nobody in his right mind would post to the FRN unless they were behind 7 proxies," a nasty, rumor-mongering cowardly anonymous source disclosed. "Commander Bunny can't sell his pogey bait - T-shirts, refrigerator magnets, pens - because no one trusts his ebay sales. So he's forced to give away expensive trinkets hoping to bribe someone... anyone... into praising him for his attack-rabbit style."

"We've struck a deal with the government to release Somali pirates-cum-fashion models into our custody for the duration of the campaign," the cowardly anonymous source confided. "The Somalis have bred generations of fierce pirates who know nothing other than constant warfare, exploiting their own people and preying on unwary passersby. Which should make for a good match with Commander Bunny, who seeks conflict where none exists. With luck, this will help the volume of logs to the FRN without having to resort to sockpuppets. At least until CB alienates the next group of listeners and pirates."

However, a US State Department spokesmodel said, "There must be some confusion. The Somalis we're releasing believe they're going to be fed." Assured the Somalis would not be charged with cannibalism for eating wild hare in the event ransom demands for Commander Bunny was refused, the Somali pirates were en route to the WBNY studio for luncheon.

Asked to explain the increasingly bizarre behavior and hypocritical actions of his charge ward client, Commander Bunny's Hasenpropagandaministerium, Pat Murphy, snapped, presciently, "I don't know myself anymore."

"Now, if you don't mind," said Murphy, "I'm busy manipulating multiple sockpuppets to keep Commander Bunny's name on the cutting edge of humiliatingly public celebrity meltdown. It's a full time job, making a complete mess of a hard-earned legacy, but with my experience as an aggressive, confrontational commercial broadcast radio talk show host playing fast and loose with facts, turncoat political consultant and abrasive commentator on Hampton Roads, Virginia, regional politics, I'm the man for the job."