The Sludge Report - by Matt Sludge
Pat Murphy Still in Seclusion Under Sedation.
(Rooters - 29 August 2011)
Norfolk,Va. - Commander Bunny and Kracker survived the worst Hurricane Irene could dish out, huddled in a bass boat in the Great Dismal Swamp. In a press conference called via Grenade and semaphore the two spoke about their ordeal.
"I guess that storm didn't reckon that I grew up in a swamp," said Kracker. "This kind of stuff is nothin' for me!"
"It's true," chimed in Commander Bunny. "He tied the boat off to a big Bald Cypress and we huddled under a tarp in each other's arms until the storm passed. It was so roman..."
"Shut up Commander," Kracker interrupted, "these news hounds don't need to know about our private life."
"But you were so heroic, my pocket-sized Adonis!" said the Bunny. "I want the world to know what my Kracker did for me."
"Don't you mean to you, Commander Bunny?" quipped a WROV reporter.
At this, Kracker snarled, "Listen, bud, what a man and his Bunny do in the privacy of a bass boat is their own damned business."
"I love it when you're so butch, Honey," the Commander assured his goon, "but maybe it's time we wrapped this up? Th-th-th-th-That's all, folks!"
With that the Bunny hopped in the basket of the pink bicycle Kracker had commandeered from a seven year old girl. "There's a Walmart that blew down in Suffolk County, you know we need plenty of new socks, Krack-Krack."
"Gawddammit!" said Kracker, "I told you not to call me that in public! Who's the man in this relationship anyway?"
"That depends what night it is, dear," giggled the rabbit, as the two peddled off in search of socks and internet access.
In other news, famed pirate radio proponent and champion of all that is good and true, Pat Murphy is still in seclusion at his Virginia Beach home. A spokesfurson said, "It was rough storm, lots of wind and high water, but we made it without much damage. Oddly, Mr. Murphy's bass boat turned up in the driveway during the storm. We're thinking it was carried here by a freak hurricane generated tornado. Sadly, the neighbor girl's bicycle was stolen by a looter who resembled a leprechaun, but her parents and Mr.Murphy's handlers are going to chip in on a new one."
Asked about Mr. Murphy's condition, the spokesperson responded, "He's doing as well as can be expected for man of his years and condition. He has his moments of lucidity then it's back to ravings about giant rabbits, conniving poets, crying out for someone named Paul, and claiming to be the 'Wiz'. It's quite sad, but we hope to have him checked out by a neurologist as soon as things return to somewhat normal in the region."
The spokesperson declined requests to interview Mr. Murphy, saying that Murphy was heavily sedated and largely unresponsive. "The only time he does respond is when we call him 'Billo', which he insists on.
"When he's 'Billo' he thinks this is Montana and becomes agitated when he can't see the Rockies out of his window."
Oddly, at just that moment a melodious male voice rang out from the house, "Where are the Grand Tetons! I needs to see me some ta-ta's!"
With that Mr.Murphy's spokesperson asked to be excused saying, "Billo's back, I have to go, but call me for updates. Mr. Murphy will be overjoyed to hear so many people care about his welfare."
More to come as internet, phone service and carrot supplies return to normal.