The Radio Paranoia FUNnies are Back!

Sunday Funnies With Dea

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Happy Hallows Eve, Samhain, Guising and whatever else you pirates, anarchists, neopagans and trolls wish to celebrate! We haven't done Sunday Funnies for awhile. Let us see how our new ParanoiDroid smartypants phone fares with this sort of nonsense.

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Our intrepid rumours and graphics editor, Dea Fauxnette, is Guising in a city of refuge whilst waiting for the current outbreak of fatal mad-hare myxomatosis to run its course.

WBNY Changes Format From Misanthropy To Misogyny, Stalking. Commander Bunny Declares "The Fun Is Back!"

"You aren't too smart, are you?
I like that in a man."
--Matty, Body Heat

by Pheme Ossa

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In a move carefully calculated to alienate every last shortwave radio listener in a way that only a crafty radio veteran who'd finally gone batshit insane could dream of, Commander Bunny announced he's changing the format of pirate radio station WBNY from mildly misanthropic to full blown misogynistic.

"My instincts never fail me," asserted the bunnyman, munching on cecotropes, his favourite snack. "My supporters sockpuppets assure me this is the right move for this time, the twilight phase of my career."

"Besides," he confided with a leer, "my statistically significant sockpuppet surveys tell me the bitches are asking for it."

Commander Bunny kicked off the format change on Thursday, October 20th with a major weekend campaign via his WBNY blog by first accusing veteran shortwave radio columnist Gayle Van Horn of being behind the "in-bred-Brasstown-Mafia" who were using the blog Tales of Radio Paranoia to spread "outright LIES to slander and defame" Commander Bunny and his personal diaper changer and drool bucket cleaner Kracker.

The wily Virginia Bunnyman showed no indications of ironic self awareness during this announcement. "That's a good indication of encroaching autorectal agnosia," according to a veterinary psychiatrist, "a complete and irreversible lack of awareness of being a consummate asshole."

The blogging bunny - who is better known as an internet sensation than pirate radio operator, as most WBNY logs were actually posted by the Commander himself using multiple sockpuppets - enjoyed a huge increase in negative attention in the wake of this totally unsubstantiated accusation.

"Hey, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about," said the harebrain. "I read that somewhere... maybe on Guise Faux's blog."

However by Friday, the lepus jackassus was backpedaling frantically as his accusations were refuted.

After three similar Official Press Pus Releases and numerous panicky revisions to cover his cotton tail and avoid a lawsuit for libel, the Lagomurph declared "Ha-ha, only kidding! Seriously, just joking, Gayle and Larry, you know me, big kidder, umm... sooo... how's the weather there in, umm... and Bob Groves, he's, uhh... great guy... hey, guys, no need for lawyers, right? Satire, fair use, you know, just my 'shtick', doing my 'thing'. Okay, gotta go... got another press release to publish. You know me, so little time, so many people to alienate from a dying hobby."

Satisfied that he was onto a good thing with the format change, the veteran micro-broadcaster of dozens of quality programs heard by dozens of feral cats in his back yard had yet another surprise for fans.

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"...okay, so, I was wrong about Gayle but, umm... I MEANT TO BE WRONG! Yeah, that's the ticket," claimed master of disguise, Commander (aka, 'Guise Faux') Bunny.

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On Friday, Oct. 21, the rascally rabbit declared "Ha-ha, umm... me again... okay, so, I was wrong about Gayle but, umm... I MEANT TO BE WRONG! Yeah, that's the ticket. I knew all along it wasn't Gayle. It was all part of my master plan. And by 'master plan' I mean I'm desperately searching for someone else to blame and I have no idea what I'm doing dear god help me somebody please take away my computer before I blog again..."

After dart-gun injections of Haredol and Rabbilify, Commander Bunny was fit for duty and churned out another press release, this one blaming a woman shortwave listener in Florida for masterminding Guise Faux. Describing the woman as "a little-rich-girl-trust-fund-computer-bitch" and accusing her of "hate-induced-hysteria-and-angry-paranoia!", the delusional bunnyman deftly demonstrated both myxomatosis induced dementia and record setting abuse of hyphens.

Commander Bunny also confirmed his complicity in stalking mildly amusing a woman, by specifying the location where a WBNY sticker was posted near the woman's home, and defacing Florida public property in an aptly ironic way so that street signs now read "STOP COMMANDER BUNNY". Gangsta wannabe Kracker hinted at his own complicity by describing the grade-school level stunt as "tagged". Later in a grocery store while shopping for the bunnyman's Depends, the tuff-guy poser was beaten senseless by an eight ounce container of Mexican strawberries, which scampered away singing "Who's 'tagged' now, bitch!" Florida authorities declined to prosecute the vandalism, saying the Lagomurph's "obvious dementia, inability to grasp concepts more complex than 'Take three times a day for paranoia', and obsession with dirty socks should be punishment enough."

Asked whether the weekend's publicity campaign was a success, the hare declared "Without a doubt! I devoted a decade to generalized misanthropy and tepid monkey-oriented insult humor, and a run as a 10 watt international relay station, but that era of the WBNY legend fizzled out long before this solar cycle did. Now I feel reinvigorated by this new mission to bully, harass, intimidate and cyber-stalk women.

"There are relatively few women interested in the radio hobby in general, and fewer still who participate in the shortwave pirate radio scene. But I'm determined to earn the first pirate radio "WAS" award (Women All Stalked) from NASWA and to clinch my place in the organization I pioneered to glorify myself - The North American Pirate Radio Hall of Fame - as the all time greatest at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. With my knack for interviewing myself and your knack for fabricating quotes I never gave, I'm confident my utter ignominy is assured."

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Update 10/31/11
See corq's response to the recent cyber-harassment by Pat Murphy (aka, Commander Bunny of WBNY):

Final thoughts on the WBNY [manufactured] Controversy

MURPHY TO NEW.NEWS

From Radio Paranoia

Dishing With Dea

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How in heaven's name did Funny Bunny discover we are a "she"? * We were ever so careful to keep that our little secret. We even swore like a bowlegged sailor, which, we can assure you one and all, is completely uncharacteristic for moi.

Did one of our treasured readers tell our little secret, hmm? Oh, we are so miffed we could stamp our feet!

Okay, we're over it.

In three bunny-blurt-blogs on the 20th alone - with many revisions - the paranoid narcissistic Lagomurph said (now, treasured readers, you must imagine the Virginia Bunnyman speaking in a very cross voice)...

"Harrumph, I know who you are and I'm very cross about this and I shan't put up any longer with your impertinence and if you insist on continuing down this path I shall be forced to say naughty things about you on the internet and on the radio and on refrigerator magnets! And I shall do so in VERY CROSS ALLCAPS with Exclamation!!! Marks!!! Aplenty!!!"

Signed, very truly yours, etc., etc.,
Commander Bunny Commode Lid Unfunny
Greatest Pirate of Them All

Of course we nearly missed all the excitement as we were on holiday. We began in September with a lovely drive through Murphy, NC, en route to our snug Umbrage Island cabin up north of the border in Manitou Province.

Whilst passing through dreary Hampton Roads, VA, we spotted a most peculiar sight on a residential thoroughfare in Newport News: A desperate looking fellow wearing a rather frayed hareshirt and, around his bum, cloth nappies that appeared soiled. He was wandering aimlessly around the middle of the road and as we slowed to see if the fellow needed medical or psychiatric assistance, he fetched something from his nappies and thrust it towards us, bellowing "Have a WBNY QSL package!"

With that the odiferous fellow tossed the horrible thing into our car. Astonished, we realised it was a small rodent with its rear legs missing. As we snapped a piccy, the horrible lout picked a tiny, bloody rodent's foot from his teeth and leered "Want me to sign it for you?"

He cackled and scampered away towards a corner street sign where he pulled what appeared to be an Oompa Loompa from his nappies, and yelled something about "Crackers!" at the creature. The two flailed around and stuck something to the sign and, having accomplished that, the hareshirted fellow jammed the Oompa Loompa back into his diaper. After the vagabond scuttled away a safe distance we approached the sign to see what he had done.

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Latitude:37.11206°
Longitude:-76.527058°

(Photo URL for metadata.)

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"Read it to me," I asked (as you know, my eyesight is not terribly good).

Guise snapped another piccy, this one with his iPhone. He held the screen towards me and said "STOP Commander Bunny."

"A very sensible plan," I said.


We continued northwards to Umbrage Island, with stops along the way to visit old chums. Quite pleasant, all in all, but possibly our last visit until next summer, as neither of us enjoys the winters.

And since we brought the diminutive Panasonic RF-B65 along, we were able to enjoy some first rate shortwave free radio entertainment from a few stations, including an oh-so-amusing new programme from our friend the Poet of The Crystal Ship, courtesy of his well organized network of relay stations. Well done, fellows!

On the way back this past week, curiosity got the better of us and we detoured to Newport News once again to check on the eccentric hareshirted vagabond. We didn't see him. But we did notice an alteration to the stop sign we'd photographed weeks earlier: Another sticker, this one with something about "Commander Bunny: FCC Snitch."


Since Guise enjoys dabbling in geocaching we snapped another piccy with the iPhone, which has this clever thingie that records GPS coordinates in the metadata. Makes it ever so much easier to share our travels with others.

It provides a nice map of the geographic coordinates for each photo. If you're a clever person you can view the metadata and map here, here, or here. Copy the actual photo URL and paste it into an appropriate metadata reader - great fun if you enjoy sharing travel routes through your holiday snaps with your friends on sites that can make use of such metadata.

That Steve Jobs was a clever fellow. I'd give him a big hug... well, if he were still alive.

Latitude:37.11206° Longitude:-76.527058°

We are sooo looking forward to those promised memorabilia from the Lagomurph. He's spending a small fortune on gifts to honour his favourite bloggers, Poet of TCS and moi. We do hope to receive a hare package... after the parcel has navigated our network of seven post boxxies. No personal visits, please, at least not until Funny Bunny is back on his regimen of Haredol and Rabbilify to quell his multiple personality disorder.


*Commander Murphy is, of course, insane, implying those connections, or any variation thereof. But why let that stand in his way when he's busy alienating everyone in the shortwave listening hobby whilst simultaneously trashing his own reputation and demonstrating the need for a human vaccine against myxomatosis.

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Dea Fauxnette is a sight-impaired but sharp-eared correspondent for Tales of Radio Paranoia. Don't try to sneak anything past her. She heard you coming before you got started.

The Cat Herder's Lament

OFFICIOUS PUS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE PUSTROBUTION

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"Okay, so..." whenever you see anyone begin a question, post or, God forbid, instructional article online with "Okay, so..." you need to smack the offender upside the brainpan and tell them to get to the fucking point. Because I can't think of a single instance where the "Okay, so..." couldn't just be deleted and, oh, I don't know... start the fucking question or post without those two useless saggy tit verbal appendages that make your would-be readers want to throw up a little bit in their mouths.

For one thing, anyone who begins a post with "Okay, so..." sounds like either an immature girl, a petulant teenage emo boy itching for a warm, soft place to pout, or an NPR weekend host. I can almost hear the rising inflection in your goddam voice, ending every phrase as if you're asking a question when you're actually trying but failing to write a simple fucking declarative sentence.

Not only does it make you sound like you're whining and looking for an excuse to force readers to abuse you, it angers me that I have to waste 10 seconds trying to decide whether to ignore your stupid post or troll the fuck out of you by pretending to be your friend while giving you terrible advice that is sure to get you banned from the entire interbutt and ridiculed the first time you try to actually follow that advice.

And if you're a grown man starting a post with a sentence that even vaguely resembles this...

"OK so the FRN has been through some hard bumps in the past year..."

...you are evidently suffering from an absence of dangly bits, which can be the only explanation for why you cannot restrain yourself from the excessive use an effeminate word like "nasty", a word that should never be uttered or written by anyone other than your Aunt Gertrude when she's fretting at her 13 year old chihuahua for dry humping her leg again.

Furthermore, if you've repeated the same fucking whine over and over for a decade, with only minor modifications in names and places as necessary to indicate whomever and whatever has bunched up your lacy underthings this time, you need to get off the goddam interweb.

Don't make me troll you again, silly hareball. I remix your audio foar teh lulz. Your so-called pirates are whiny cannibal hamsters and eat each other's tiny dingleberries. Now go away or I shall troll you a second time.

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moar Radio Paranoia audio anarchy 4 u

Speaking of remixing your audio...

I've been busy slicing and dicing the recent Radio Jamba International and WBNY programs to make Radio Jambalaya, and hadn't planned on writing a blog entry at all this week. It really goes against my nature to write such dreadfully lewd, rude and crude stuff. My sincerest apologies to any who were offended by the above exercise in slandercasting and ruining pirate radio. But my promoter said I needed to fan the flames for the sake of publicity. Supposedly it helps the pay-per-lulz figures. He also says I should demand the bunnyman and Kraquerette be tested for steroids, but I'm pretty sure he's joking. There's absolutely no evidence they're experiencing elevated testosterone levels. If they are juicing they should check to be sure it's not estrogen.


Beings of Sound
NSFW: Lewd, crude and obscene language, mostly by a neurotic cartoon chick.



The September 2011 RJI tribute to Poet of The Crystal Ship had some pretty good bits, especially the segments with Germaine from "Neurotically Yours" reading her awful anti-erotic poetry, and Saul Williams performing "Coded Language." The audio from that particular version of Coded Language seemed to have some st-st-stuttering, like a glitchy audio stream. But I dug it. So I sampled the stutters and Williams' many sharp intakes of breath, loaded them up in Winamp, hit the randomize button and recycled the various audio bits until it developed its own peculiar rhythm. Then I sampled some beats from another part of the RJI show, reversed and looped them and mashed the whole thing together. Other bits came from one of the WBNY feud shows (2006, I think), Boxxy (natch), Cosmikdebris from a December 2009 Lumpy Gravy Show, and some of my favorite inspirations for audio collages: Jon Nelson at Some Assembly Required; odds and ends from Radiolab. One of the variations ended up as the 6 min 12 second version of Beings of Sound, the title taken from a line in Coded Language.


The Cat Herder's Lament
Warning: This is made of 99.99% F-bombs! Not suitable for anyone!



Of all the shitty volunteer efforts on the vast, immane, interwoven, interacting systems of systems we know and despise as the interbutt, the worst may be the moderator's position at the Free Radio Network. Pity the unfortunates who can only stand by and observe the twin horrors of Murphy's boundless ego and bottomless sock drawer.

After one of my early and rather crude audio cut-ups escaped captivity in late 2009 and nearly capsized the Floating Rotten Nutsack, Cosmikdebris was kind enough and courageous (or foolhardy) enough to give exposure and airplay that 7 Minutes to Hell might never otherwise have enjoyed. What tickled me more than the drama queen antics of the Lagomurph's various socks when he blamed the hapless "Spore" for unearthing the fetid audio clip, was Cosmikdebris' weary tone of resignation when he commented on the bit of aural trollery. I knew that one day I must create a fitting tribute. And, from having listened to many Lumpy Gravy Shows and knowing his appreciation for musical eccentricity, I sincerely do hope he'll enjoy it.

And if not, well, hell... I still had a blast putting these together. The hybrid Jamaican Dub/Dubstep whumpa-whumpa actually came from sampling beats from the RJI show and bastardizing the hell out of the samples until they sounded phat, then reversing and looping them. Ideally I'd like to create weird hip-hop stuff made entirely from other pirate radio shows, something akin to the amazing Motown Meltdown remixes where everything was taken from the original source masters. If you dig audio anarchy you'll love Motown Meltdown vols 1 & 2. I was a little disappointed by Girl Talk after hearing all the hype back in 2009, but that's probably because the source material wasn't familiar to me. But the Motown Meltdown stuff comes from familiar sources, but totally re-imagined. It's like 'shrooms without the risk of barfing or getting busted.

Meanwhile, I'm still working on remixing the recent WBNY salute to Poet and yours truly, Guise Faux. Because as the Lagomurph is addicted to socks and swimming in De Nile, we at Radio Paranoia are addicted to all things meta. By the way, CB and Kracker - please don't bury your voice overs so deep under music beds and sound effects. Makes it hard as hell to dig out and remix. And watch those levels - I'm hearing some clipping in there.

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If you dig the sound collage approach, check out Mashed in Plastic on YouTube, with some crazy good remixes of David Lynch movie bits and Lynch/Badalamenti music.