Merry Trollmas & May Your Stockings Be Full of Personalities

Doggerel by Grinch Faux

Illustration by Dea Fauxnette Who

---

Deck the FRN with stockings,
Thumper and Beans and Mosby too!
Commander Bunny starts his stalkings,
Fiddle-faddle, piddle-paddle, Bouncer too.

The Bunnyman, t-shirts he's hawking,
Fridge magnets, bumper stickers, pogie bait too!
Soon Doc John begins the mockings,
"Kiddie-mauler!" Bob Smith hollers, but it ain't true!

Now the rumours start a-swirling,
Snitchy-bitchy, tattle-rattle, gossipy goo!
Accusations are a-twirling,
Poet gets a visit from the FCC too!

Sock puppets do all the logging,
Multi-fursonality impressions too.
Soon Guise Faux begins a-blogging,
Posters on the trollercoasters, laughing at you!

Hare-y flame wars for no reason,
Folderollin', bunny trollin', blames it on you.
Scampers back to call it treason,
M&Ms, cecotropes, eat your own poo.

Empty out the stocking drawer,
Hunny bunny, nose is runny, big boo-hoo!
Who's the cute attention whore?
Gotta luv it, everybody's looking at you!

Lagomurph sez just ignore us,
then they'll go away like they always do.
"Not this time!" sings A Nonny Mouse chorus,
Nibble-cheezin', bunny-teasin', makin' him blue.

"All my funs they are a-stealing,"
Funny bunny blog-flogging blame it on you.
"eQSLs are not appealing."
Ruin brewin', boo-hoo'in', melodrama-fu.

This is how we'll make amends,
spin doctor, whopper-popper, propagandoo.
Different lies for different friends,
whiffle waffle something awful make it seem true.

Troll we now in endless measure,
Jibber-jabber, blibber-blabber, ho-ho-ho!
But we do it for your pleasure,
Trollo-lo-lo-lo, lo-lo-lo-lo!

This doggerel goes on forever,
Guise wheezin', what's the reason? Too much beer!
Better end it now or never,
Merry Christmas, Better DX, Happy New Year!

---

With apologies to "Pogo" cartoonist Walt Kelly.

PREMIUM CONTENT - SUBSCRIBERS ONLY: A Grinch Faux News Alert

"Only pretentious annoying hacks like Stephen King would resort to meta-epigraphs."
--Guise Faux

by Grinch Faux
Official Pirate Radio Fun Thief

---

FCC documents received today by the Tales of Radio Paranoia publishing empire, per Freedom Of Information Act request, clearly indicate "Com...

...plicity in failure to have a healthy sense of humour," said a cowardly anonymous FCC spokesperson, who agreed to this fake interview only under condition of cowardly anonymity. FULL PREMIUM CONTENT ARTICLE AVAILABLE ONLY TO GOLD MEMBER SUBSCRIBERS.

---

From now on, or until we've driven the wheels off this clown car, access to Premium Content Tales of Radio Paranoia articles will be restricted to Gold Member subscribers only.

We can already hear you clamoring "Geez, Guise, how do I become a Gold Member so that I, too, may enjoy the benefits of Premium Content on pirate radio's finest penny dreadful, yellow journal and dregs-drenched scandal sheet?"

It's simple, Scarlet Pimple! In the comment section below, describe in lurid detail how you have contributed to the destruction of pirate radio! Be sure to list:

• Fun stolen.
• Sockpuppets wielded.
• Buttocks millinery worn.
  
• Enemies exposed.
• Dox dropped.
• Stations QRM'd.
• Nasty stations logged in violation of orders.
• Consorting with Underpants Gnomes.
  
• Logging to the wrong website.
• eQSLs sent via snail mail.
• Snails sent in lieu of QSLs.
  
• Innocents falsely implicated.
• >Implications implied without green text.
  
• Voyages on de Nile.
• Screeds scanned.
• Trollercoasters ridden.
• Angst, ire and U MAD? provoked.
• Blarg rants per day.
• Quotes from scripture or Eastern mystics, philosophers, serial killers or Shakespeare hilariously misapplied to blarg rants.
• Complaints sent to FCC, Industry Canada, Ofcom or RA/AT to silence rival pirate stations.
• Any other details which might qualify you as an elite pirate radio fun stealer.
• Number of times you've made scowly-face whilst reading Tales of Radio Paranoia. (You know your face will get stuck that way.)
  
• Preferred brand of tissue boxes worn on feet whilst engaged in above activities.
  

To be eligible for Tales of Radio Paranoia Premium Content, be sure to include your full pirate name, secret location to booty (clearly marked with X), peg leg length, eyepatch size and location (left, right, middle, all three), and name of the parrot or monkey that sits on your shoulder (which will also be your password).

Click here to access your Gold Member Premium Content!

GlobalTuners Pokemon Challenge: 99.99% friendly DXers, 0.01% rabid Krackwhore

"I didn't invent the internet for this nonsense."
--ManBearPig

Illustrations by Dea Fauxnette

---

We received the following from sources who requested anonymity. As we have no personal experience with GlobalTuners (although we were registered on the old DX Tuners site, and now have alternative accesses to various web controlled receivers) we can say only that we are informed by reliable sources that it is an excellent site for DXers and that, with the apparent exception of a particular Cxxxxxxxx, NC, node, the site offers wholesome family entertainment and a welcoming environment for radio listening enthusiasts.

However, judging from the following documented encounter with pirate radio's own beloved Kracker, we would advise that only Pokemon masters age 6 or older risk an encounter with that particular receiver.

---

>W. Di L., M.D.
>SS F******
>Port.
>30 Nov 2011
>
>Hallo my freind
>
>I hope is no trouble you that I have this question of GlobalTuners.
>I am member on GlobalTuners many months and I enjoy very much.
>Is help when I travel my cruise ship and do not have my protable rado
>with me.
>
>I think I am respect and polite to every body. So. I am confuse
>with some thing that happens on other day. On 18 Nov 2011
>
>When visit C******** NC rado and has very good recepton. Many
>others people there before me so I wait and only listening. After is
>two hour most peoples leave and rado is 6930 AM is narrow filter.
>It sound not so good so I wait but I am only member their who is "normal user"
>can tune rado. So. I adjust wide filter to better sound. And try the
>ECSS tuning you see because is better when the weak signals?
>
>So. This "[kracker]" he make some things say seem not so nice. You see
>in chat log. I can not repeat him words they seem insult?
>
>I do Google of this his name and I see to your blog site are many of
>mentions his name this "kracker" so maybe I think you might help to me?
>
>I think I not do this wrong but am confuse. This not happen any time before.
>Is problem? Do RF rado tuner is not for me to use? Is private?
>
>Thanks you my freind and I can help you any things please tell me.
>W. Di L.
>********@*****.it

Dear Dr. Di L.

We regret that we did not hear from you under more pleasant circumstances.

Indeed, we have heard of this "Kracker" of whom you speak and with whom you experienced a most unfortunate encounter.

Fortunately, after consulting with experts, we are pleased to assure you that there is no risk of contagion from this encounter. The most sensible remedy is to avoid that particular node on GlobalTuners where you encountered a creature that is generally regarded as less dangerous than a Wild Snorlax in a Pokemon match. Please study the enclosed illustrated guide for doing battle with this lightly regarded and undocumented Pokemon known, unofficially, as the Krackwhore. If you have children or grandchildren between the ages of 3 and 6 they can easily help you defeat this not-particularly-noteworthy opponent, which was once regarded as suitable only for practice by complete novices until it was decided that the Krackwhore offered almost no challenge.

Please feel free to write us anytime. We wish you smooth sailing and good DX, wherever your journeys make take you.

Guise Faux

---

ILLUSTRATED GUIDE FOR DEFEATING THE WILD KRACKWHORE
FROM POKEMON MANUAL 2001
DELETED 2002 AS BORING AND UNWORTHY OF EFFORT

---

Connected!

GlobalTuners Radio Control Modern Skin version 4.0

[01:10] ----------------------

[01:10] * Welcome (name redacted)

[01:10] ----------------------

[01:17] * jax700 (Denver, US) has joined

[01:18] * nickstr1 (Avon IN, US) has joined

[01:20] * jax700 has left

[01:21] * Receiver locked to Normal users.

[01:21] * RF has left

[01:22] * RF (NC, US) has joined

[01:22] * Receiver has been locked by RF

[01:26] * jax700 (Denver, US) has joined

[01:26] * jax700 has left

[01:28] * nmoreno94 (Montevideo, UY) has joined

[01:33] * Radionuts (Ballinamult, IE) has joined

[01:33] * nmoreno94 has left

[01:35] * Receiver locked to Normal users.

[01:35] * RF has left

[01:36] * Radionuts has left

[01:37] * zorg: 6.92532MHz, USB, 6kHz

[01:37] * zorg: 6.92532MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:37] * zorg: 6.92522MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:37] * zorg: 6.92512MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:37] * zorg: 6.9251MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:37] * zorg: 6.9252MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:39] * zorg: 6.9251MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:39] * zorg: 6.925MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:40] * zorg: 6.9251MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:40] * zorg: 6.925MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:40] * zorg: 6.9249MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:40] * zorg: 6.9249MHz, USB, 1.5kHz

[01:40] * zorg: 6.9249MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:40] * zorg sets AGC: On

[01:40] * zorg sets AGC: Off

[01:43] * nmoreno94 (Montevideo, UY) has joined

[01:44] * zorg: 6.9248MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:44] * zorg: 6.9249MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:44] [nmoreno94] what they are listening on this frequency?

[01:46] * zorg: 6.9248MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:46] [zorg] strange things

[01:46] [nmoreno94] ok

[01:46] [zorg] how is the weather in montevideo

[01:47] * JerryS (Holland, MI, US) has joined

[01:47] [nmoreno94] good, temperature 18 and the skies are clear

[01:48] * JerryS has left

[01:48] * zorg: 6.9249MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:48] * zorg: 6.9249MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:48] * zorg: 6.9249MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:48] * zorg: 6.9249MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:48] * zorg: 6.925MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:48] * zorg: 6.925MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:48] * zorg: 6.9251MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:48] * nickstr1 has left

[01:48] * zorg: 6.9252MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:48] * zorg: 6.9253MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:48] * zorg: 6.9253MHz, AM, 3kHz

[01:48] * zorg: 6.9253MHz, AM, 6kHz

[01:49] * zorg sets AGC: On

[01:49] * zorg sets AGC: Off

[01:52] * RF (NC, US) has joined

[01:52] * zorg: 6.9253MHz, USB, 6kHz

[01:52] * zorg: 6.9253MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:53] * zorg: 6.9252MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:54] * zorg: 6.9251MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:54] * zorg: 6.9252MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:54] * zorg: 6.9252MHz, USB, 1.5kHz

[01:54] * ww511usa (Empire State Ny, US) has joined

[01:54] * ww511usa has left

[01:54] * zorg: 6.9252MHz, AM, 1.5kHz

[01:54] * N9KX (Stillman Valley, US) has joined

[01:54] * zorg: 6.9252MHz, AM, 6kHz

[01:54] * zorg: 6.9253MHz, AM, 6kHz

[01:55] * N9KX has left

[01:55] * nmoreno94 has left

[01:56] * ww511usa (Empire State Ny, US) has joined

[01:56] * RF sets AGC: On

[01:56] * zorg: 6.9253MHz, USB, 6kHz

[01:56] * zorg: 6.9253MHz, USB, 3kHz

[01:57] * ww511usa has left

[01:58] * Inchon9151950 has left

[02:02] * RF sets AGC: Off

[02:07] [RF] damn, i better go buy some anti-freeze and add a little.. later. hold 'er down

[02:07] * RF has left

[02:07] * kb3kjs (, ) has joined

[02:08] * kb3kjs has left

[02:16] [kracker] ATTENTION:- kracker has Requested To Tune

[02:16] [kracker] put it on am

[02:18] [kracker] jesus man

[02:18] [kracker] everyone friggin fall asleep?

[02:18] * kracker: 6.9253MHz, AM, 3kHz

[02:18] [pizzadxer] i can't set it here either

[02:19] * kracker: 6.9253MHz, USB, 3kHz

[02:19] [kracker] i got it

[02:19] [pizzadxer] now i can

[02:19] * kracker: 6.9253MHz, AM, 3kHz

[02:19] * kracker: 6.9253MHz, USB, 3kHz

[02:19] * kracker: 6.9253MHz, AM, 3kHz

[02:20] * kracker: 6.9253MHz, USB, 3kHz

[02:20] * kracker: 6.9253MHz, AM, 3kHz

[02:20] [kracker] devinatly am

[02:20] [kracker] the music

[02:20] [kracker] someone jamming too

[02:20] [pizzadxer] yip

[02:22] [kracker] xp thump u hear that?

[02:23] [pizzadxer] lol

[02:23] [kracker] someone playing with a tone genny

[02:24] [kracker] hear their computer again?

[02:24] [kracker] somone being maliciouse

[02:24] [kracker] seriouse

[02:25] [pizzadxer] yep

[02:25] [kracker] it is vista i think judging from the pc generated sounds

[02:25] [kracker] poet uses vista

[02:25] [kracker] i know this to be a fact

[02:25] [kracker] not too many morons use vista

[02:26] [kracker] most ppl realise it is a bloated piece of schit

[02:37] * kracker: 6.9276MHz, AM, 3kHz

[02:38] * kracker: 6.9285MHz, AM, 3kHz

[02:40] * kracker: 6.93MHz, AM, 3kHz

[02:44] * RF (NC, US) has joined

[02:44] [RF] man i'm tired

[02:45] [pizzadxer] tired here too

[02:46] [RF] filppin anti freeze is now half water for the same price

[02:47] [pizzadxer] man

[02:47] [RF] as it was full strength

[02:48] [pizzadxer] thats outrageous

[02:49] * Receiver has been locked by RF

[02:50] [RF] lemme know if ya wanna tne

[02:50] [pizzadxer] ok

[02:54] [kracker] anyone get an id yet?

[02:55] * RF sets AGC: On

[02:57] [kracker] thats splatter from like 69285

[02:57] [kracker] how teh hell r u r**

[02:57] [kracker] hope all is well

[02:59] [RF] talk later... got a bj in progress

[03:05] * Receiver locked to Normal users.

[03:05] * RF has left

[03:13] * Inchon9151950 (Ohio , US) has joined

[03:14] * zorg has left

[03:14] * Inchon9151950 has left

[03:14] [kracker] aww

[03:14] [kracker] no tune 4u

[03:14] * rmarte (castleton on hudson ny, US) has joined

[03:14] [kracker] next

[03:14] * rmarte has left

[03:14] [kracker] pmlol

[03:14] [kracker] aww

[03:15] [kracker] owner locked the tuner so sad too bad here have a cookie.. next

[03:16] * (name red.): 6.93MHz, AM, 6kHz

[03:17] [kracker] band opened up

[03:17] [kracker] not just the 3kc adjustment

[03:19] * Inchon9151950 (Ohio , US) has joined

[03:20] * Inchon9151950 has left

[03:20] * johnlock has left

[03:28] * pizzadxer has left

[03:31] * Inchon9151950 (Ohio , US) has joined

[03:31] * Inchon9151950 has left

[03:38] * RF (NC, US) has joined

[03:39] [RF] get an ID?

[03:39] [kracker] wake up r**

[03:39] [RF] lol

[03:39] [kracker] did she swallow?

[03:39] [RF] like a champ

[03:39] [kracker] enquiring minds wanna know

[03:39] [RF] haha

[03:39] [kracker] good 4 u

[03:40] [kracker] u know where chat i

[03:40] [kracker] s

[03:40] [RF] ya

[03:43] [kracker] hey r**?

[03:43] [RF] yea

[03:43] [kracker] poet is a punk ass beioch

[03:43] [RF] is this him?

[03:44] [kracker] thinkin it is northern relay

[03:44] [kracker] poet friendly

[03:44] [RF] kk

[03:44] [kracker] no matter

[03:44] [kracker] i got their ass kicked at will

[03:45] [RF] did he get the bust? you mentioned or someone did bcasting

[03:47] * (name red.): 6.9302MHz, AM, 6kHz

[03:47] * (name red.): 6.9302MHz, USB, 6kHz

[03:47] * (name red.): 6.9302MHz, USB, 3kHz

[03:48] * (name red.): 6.9302MHz, LSB, 3kHz

[03:48] [kracker] wow you totaly fucked that up

[03:48] * (name red.): 6.9302MHz, USB, 3kHz

[03:48] [kracker] congrats

[03:48] [(name red.)] que?

[03:48] [kracker] got any other tricks up your sleve?

[03:49] * (name red.): 6.9302MHz, AM, 3kHz

[03:49] * (name red.): 6.9302MHz, AM, 5.1kHz

[03:49] * (name red.): 6.93MHz, AM, 5.1kHz

[03:49] [kracker] wow your amazingly retared

[03:49] * Receiver has been locked by RF

[03:49] [(name red.)] is you rado?

[03:49] [kracker] retarded

[03:49] [(name red.)] que?

[03:49] [RF] no but it IS mine

[03:49] [kracker] no your just a friggin moron

[03:49] [kracker] fucktard

[03:49] [(name red.)] ok RF thanks you my freind

[03:50] [kracker] get fuckin lost dumb ass

[03:50] [(name red.)] is good rado is fast

[03:50] [RF] whats the freq K?

[03:50] [(name red.)] I thanks you adeus

[03:50] [kracker] your still a fuckin moron you stupid piece of schit

[03:51] [(name red.)] que?

[03:51] [kracker] take a long walk off a short pier

[03:51] [kracker] fuck you asshat

[03:51] [kracker] your the result of a gang rape on a pool table

[03:51] [(name red.)] I sorry my english no so good

[03:51] [kracker] like i could give a fuck

[03:52] [kracker] go some where they speak your language cockwad

[03:52] [kracker] like the land of brown eye

[03:53] [(name red.)] you speak what?

[03:57] * Inchon9151950 (Ohio , US) has joined

[03:57] * Inchon9151950 has left

[03:58] [(name red.)] ok I thanks you my freinds adeus good dx

Name That Tune: Song recognition software for radio listeners and DXers

"Girls have got balls.
They're just a little higher up that's all."
--Joan Jett

Musings by Pheme Ossa

---

Among the great joys of free, pirate and indie radio is hearing non-mainstream music. And among the frustrations is being unable to identify a song or artist to find more of their music. It's particularly difficult with instrumental music or vocals for which you can't hear the lyrics clearly enough to Google, or the lyrics are in another language.

Even some licensed radio stations are too damned hip to identify songs and artists. Despite complaints from listeners, some stations have adhered to the "no back announcing" policy that is just as stupid now as it was decades ago when some boneheaded consultants decided that somehow identifying songs already played would slow down the momentum, or would cut into advertising time, or would spoil the station's carefully cultivated hipper-than-thou mystique, or would require actual live human beings to identify songs.

There's probably a way to automate song IDs as well, using ID3 metadata to provide info for a computer voice to read. That'd be a great way to make Jack FM even less interesting.


Every few years the same story is recycled in some major news outlet.

"It just makes sense to do it (identify songs played)," said Dan Mason, the president and chief executive of CBS Radio. "(We) probably underestimated at the time how much people really wanted that information," he said of the no-clutter trend of the 1980s that eliminated most DJ breaks to identify songs.
--(The New York Times, CBS Radio Reminds D.J.'s to Identify Songs: 'When You Play It, Say It', May 29, 2011)

"When you work in a record store and someone comes in and starts humming something and you're supposed to guess what it is, that's frustrating," said Carl Rosenbaum, president of Flip Side Records, which operates 17 retail outlets in the Chicago area.
--(From the Los Angeles Times, 'What Was That Last Song?' : Record Industry, Radio Deejays at Odds Over Song IDs, April 11, 1989)

Opinions vary, natch:

"Don't know about you, but I get irritated when you hear presenters tell you what an obvious song was, for example "That was Meatloaf and I'll do Anything for Love" ... I remember John Myers once say if he ever heard a presenter say 'and that was The Beatles with Hey Jude" he'd fire them!"
--Some bloke on some other naff site.

With record stores mostly part of ancient history, to whom does one hum to name that tune?

How 'bout Tunatic, Midomi or Shazam?

(Update 12/10/11: Forgot to include the smart phone app SoundHound, about which Gizmodo sez "Unlike Shazam, it will hazard a guess at just about any tune thrown at it, whether it human or speaker-created, and it'll succeed most of the time.")

A couple of years ago Evil Elvis tipped us to Tunatic, a music recognition program that users reported worked surprisingly well, even for identifying songs off scratchy shortwave reception. Since then, Midomi, a comparable web-based music recognition utility, has appeared. We finally gave it a go recently.

Another recommended music recognition tool is Shazam, which appears to be available only as an app for mobile devices. Those of you who are less paranoid than we are may wish to try the Shazam or Midomi mobile versions for your personal entertainment/tracking devices.

The web-based version of Midomi uses a familiar Flash interface. It seems to assume users will hum or sing into their computer's microphone. If you record music off-air using a mic this would work, but not as well as a direct connection (see our experiences in the off-air recordings notes below). However you can easily set it to recognize music played from your own collection, or from YouTube or any other web source by setting your audio controls appropriately. For example, with a typical Windows PC, pull up the Recording Control and choose Mixer Balance (rather than the Line In option you'd use to record directly from your shortwave receiver). After Midomi suggests matches, many of the suggested songs are available in 30 second streams for immediate comparison and confirmation.

After a trial run with a few YouTube videos and mp3's off my computer, I began to be skeptical that Midomi was cheating and peeking at my mp3 metadata so I tried a few songs with no ID3 data, but it worked anyway. It appears to rely heavily on comparisons with an existing database of songs. That database already includes a large collection of familiar and eclectic music and it was surprisingly easy to identify music I'd never heard before.

First, the easy stuff:

• Pavarotti's "Nessun Dorma" = Score! But that's an easy one.
• Liz Phair "Fuck and Run" = Score!
• Black Eyed Peas "Pump It" = Fail on the first try. I'd have scored the original "Misirlou" as a winner, but "Chain Reaction" by Young Divas? Drop and gimme 20, Midomi.
• Second try for "Pump It" = Score! But I had to play it from 30 seconds into the song for Midomi to recognize it.
• Geto Boys "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" = Score!
• Dead Kennedys "Too Drunk To Fuck" = Score!
• Nouvelle Vague version of "Too Drunk To Fuck" = Score!
• NON "Total War" = Fail. Close, but Midomi picked the somewhat similar "Phoenix" by NON. To be fair, the versions of those songs in Midomi's database aren't very good, mushy without much bass so the rat-a-tat drums in "Total War" were buried in a fog of white noise.
• "Do You Want Total Queer" = Fail. A little surprising it didn't default to the NON original for this obscure but brilliant spoof of "Total War".
• "Dirge" Death in Vegas = Score!
• "I Walk On Gilded Splinters" Dr. John = Score!
• "Dus Bahane (Karke Legaye Dil)" = Score! We dig the Hindi-pop and so does Midomi.
• "Do You Fear Sleep?" The Moscow Coup Attempt = Fail. Tried twice at different points in the song. Great song but probably too obscure so there's no copy in the Midomi database.
• "Radio Junk" Yellow Magic Orchestra, from Radio Junk programme #1 = Score!
• "Once In A Lifetime" cover by P.M. Dawn, also from Radio Junk #1 = Score!
• "Streets of Calcutta" Ananda Shankar, from Radio Junk programme #2 = Score!
  

Okay, enough easy stuff. Let's try some off-air recordings, including some songs I didn't recognize. Starting with the best signals and working downward toward the weaker, noisier signals and those for which my receiver wasn't tuned quite on frequency for sideband broadcasts.

• "Europa (Earth's Cry Heaven's Smile)" Santana = Score! From Radio Waves International Nov 13, 2011 show on 7415 with an excellent AM signal.

Wolverine Radio's Nov 13, 2011, train theme show, with strong signal peaks but fadey:

• "Midnight Train to Georgia" Gladys Knight & the Pips = Score! Pretty impressive for single sideband audio with static, fades and some distortion due to my noise reduction software, applied after recording to cut down the heavy fog of white noise.
• "Love Train" O'Jays = Score! Again, same Wolverine show, even worse static and fading.

From XFM off-air recordings:

• Tesla "Call It What You Want" = Score! From XFM July 4, 2011 show, fair to good conditions.
• Alice in Chains "Would" = Score! Same XFM show.
• "Valley Girl" Moon Unit = Score! XFM July 5, 2011, again, fair to good conditions.
  
• Right after "Valley Girl", Professional Murder Music "Slow" = Score! I'd never heard of this one before, couldn't even copy it well enough to Google the lyrics.
• "Too Drunk To Fuck" Dead Kennedys = Score! Not the most familiar version but Midomi nailed it.

Various other off-air recordings:

• "The Red Weed" = Score! From unid relay of Jeff Wayne's "War of the Worlds" musical, Feb 2011. This was an excellent AM signal and audio.
• "I Love It When You Call Me Names" Joan Armatrading, from High Plains Relay Service, Dec 2011 = Score!
• "Cotton Eye Joe" Rednex = Score! From Feb 2011 Bust-a-Nut Radio show, with very muddy copy on my end.
• "You Keep Me Hanging On" Vanilla Fudge = Score! From Dec 2010 relay of Radio First Termer. Impressive because my recording was so weak I can't even ID the station broadcasting this relay.
• "Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! (That Cigarette)" = Fail. From unid station, Dec 2010, this was as near impossible as it gets, what I'd call an overall signal (on SIO or SINPO scale) of 2, just barely audible occasionally and able to copy only familiar songs. Only the "Smoke! Smoke! Smoke!" chorus was audible through static, and the pitch was off because the receiver was mistuned on a USB signal. This appears to be the practical limit for Midomi.
• "Antenna" Sonic Youth = Fail. From my own poor recording of our very own KBOX Radio Paranoia relay by WEAK, late 2010 or early 2011. Another overall 2 signal.
• Primitive Radio Gods "Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand" and "Fading Out" = Fail. Very poor recording with mic up to speaker, barely audible.

From my own recent recording of our very own Gumby Radio relay by High Plains Relay Service, Nov 26, 2011. This programme had some fairly obscure music:

• "Cruisin'" Mike Nesmith = Score, on second try! My recording, good signal strength but a lot of RFI. From Nov 26, 2011, High Plains Relay Service show just before relay of Gumby Radio. I didn't recognize this song myself. All I was able to copy was something about Lucy and Ramona, so Midomi helped.
• Gumby theme song = Fail. From my own recording of Gumby Radio, good copy but possibly not in Midomi database. No luck with my studio quality recording either.
• "Bend Me Shape Me" Hello = Score! From my Nov 26, 2011 recording of Gumby Radio.
• "Gumby Is Dead" Jeff Capo = Fail/Score? Failed on off-air recording. But scored, sort of, on studio recording. Midomi suggested The Sunbeat Revival - "When I Think Of You(I Smile Neon Light)". Sure enough, the intro is virtually identical. Jeff Capo's version came out first, so perhaps Sunbeat Revival sampled the intro. To be fair, this is a fairly obscure song.
• "Blockhead" Devo = Score!
• Fiona Apple live with audience sing-along of Gumby (Gunji) theme = Fail. No surprise, too obscure.
• "Bend Me Shape Me" by The Models = Score on second try! Failed on instrumental intro, but scored on opening lyrics. Very impressive. An obscure version, in nearly atonal singing style with mistuned audio from my receiver. (See: Girls in the Garage, Vol. 1)
• "Twist and Shout" Beatles = Score! Easy peasy.
• "Bend Me Shape Me" by the Rubinoos = Fail. Very similar to familiar and popular American Breed version, but no joy, including with studio recording.

Now the really tough test - humming. Would Midomi be able to make sense of my tuneless efforts and not confuse my version of Supertramp's "Breakfast in America" with "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star"?

• First up, I tried scatting a Muppet's style version of "Mahna Mahna". Midomi came close. Among the seven suggestions was a salsa styled "Mana Mana" by Ismael Rivera, which was pretty close. "Made In Japan" by Pato Fu? Not bad, it does indeed incorporate the "Mahna Mahna" bit. Gloria Estefan's "Conga"? Nah. And Phil Collins "You Can't Hurry Love?" Gimme a break. But let's blame my horrible humming. Let's call it score.
  
• Next, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" = Score! I wonder if it can do that alphabet song?
• First try at "Daisy, Daisy" = I'm sorry, Dave, it's going to go 100% failure. Midomi suggested "Iris" by Biagio Antonacci, "Yo Quisiera" by Reik, and "With You" by Chris Brown. Midomi doesnt' seem to like tuneless lower register voices.
• Second try at "Daisy, Daisy" = Score! Midomi seems to prefer the upper register.
• "Guantanamera" = Score! I actually sang "One ton tomato, oh he's a one ton tomato".
• Lady Gaga "Paparazzi" = Score! And I'm pretty sure Gaga would get a restraining order against my singing voice.
• "Blue Christmas" = Score! But Midomi suggested the Celine Dion version rather than the Elvis via Andy Kaufman version I thought I was singing.
• "Feliz Navidada" by Jose Feliciano = Score! It even recognized the ever popular "Fleas on my dog" variant.

Judging from most of the user submitted voice samples, Midomi likes upper register voices - women and kids. Some of those voice samples weren't horrible. No way in hell was I gonna submit my own voice samples.

Also, with almost every hummed, scatted and tortured sprechgesang version I tried, Midomi suggested around half a dozen possibilities. The one exception was "Feliz Navidad", which Midomi nailed without alternative suggestions. So if you go that route for an unknown song, plan on sorting through a few possibilities before finding your song.

Overall, definitely the hot tip for identifying those songs we hear on the funny bands, or even for you better-behaved SWLs who prefer to avoid the oh-so-melodramatic pirate frequencies and may want to send a detailed reception report to snag a QSL from Radio Havana Cuba, Radio Australia or other shortwave broadcasters featuring music programmes.

TWIRP: The Lagomurph Blinks

The mighty blargers stood virtual face to virtual face across the pitiless expanse of the interweb.

Grinch Faux, he stared with a baleful glare

a stare as bare as any may dare...


...and the Lagomurph blinked.

by Grinch Faux

---

The Lagomurph blinked and blinked and blinked

And off he'd slink in a terrible stink

to scribble some more of his stinkety ink.

Some stinkety ink about horrible Pinks

who dare to speak up whenever he finks.

This Week In Radio Paranoia: Mark it on your calendars, dear readers. Blarg date 29 November 2011, Commander Bunny begs for surrender in the pirate war that exists only in his imagination.

"YOU STOP – get your asshat monkey friends (Corq, aka: Guise Faux, HF Underground, Bxxxxxx Jxxxxx, Txxxx Txxxx, Kxxxx Mxxxxx & posts on FRC) to stop and then we’ll stop. How does that sound for a Peace Treaty? REMOVE ALL OFFENDING ATTACKS against Commander Bunny, Kracker and his friends…OR NO TREATY!"

"...you don’t want your full name and public address being posted on the WBNY website? Then you stop doing the same thing to other people in Pirate Radio, and have your nasty little monkey friends stop it! Corq aka: Guise(honestly its not a secret anymore), HF Underpants, FRC etc. You stop it or it I will keep it visible and public until the end of time! Think I’m fooling? Try me! Here is your chance to END IT"
--Commander Bunny, WBNY blog, "WBNY WEBSITE: 28,933 Visitors EVERY SINGLE DAY!", November 29, 2011

Yes, it's a ranty rabid rabbit sort of huffy puffy threatening sort of surrender, but the real message is clear when you read betwixt the lines lyings.

Whilst we appreciate the Lagomurph's conciliatory gesture and tacit admission of guilt in prosecuting an imaginary war, it's completely unnecessary. The war, if one exists, is totally within his paranoid imagination. Just as it has been for over a decade.

Take the cure for myxomatosis, dear fellow. Relieve yourself of the obviously heavy burden of guilt you're experiencing for having dragged so many innocent peripheral bystanders into your bizarro world orbit. No need for unseemly public atonement. Just start privately...

...with "Spore", whom you publicly slandered whilst exposing the names addresses and amateur radio call signs of an entire family, without even knowing for certain that you'd targeted the correct person in your tantrum.

...with Radio Ga-Ga, whom you needlessly baited into an argument, with your Beans and Official Press Release sockpuppets, over a minor allegation of QRM that could easily have been resolved less melodramatically - and certainly without your publicly identifying his city.

...with Doc John for attempting to entrap him and silence his station, again using a sockpuppet, followed by your hysterical spectacle of slanders and pleading tantrums on the FRN, on your blog, your Facebook account, on the Free Radio Weekly and by e-mail to dozens of people.

...finally, with the many innocent individuals whom you have targeted in your misguided rage, in particular Gayle Van Horn who did absolutely nothing to you other than to pop up as some sort of apparition in your fevered imaginings.

Don't apologize because we've suggested it. Do it for you own peace of mind.

We are not warriors. We are historians to your hysterias. All we've done here is to document what we've observed. We are but attentive scribes, jotting down the lyrics sung by a tragi-comic tenor, transcribing the notes to this humoresque as best we can whilst attempting, in our ever so 'umble way, to convey the full scope of emotion, intrigue and brilliant irony in your personal opera.

And in that pursuit of yeomanlike documentary of your adventures through free radio and the blargosphere, we shall on occasion challenge, correct and refute your more incredible calumnies, defamations and dissemblings, in the pursuit of noble truth.

Such truth will on occasion, as appropriate, make reference to your true identity. Not out of any sense of malice, but in the pursuit of accuracy. As you well know from your long career, you are, after all, a public figure - or, at the very least, a limited public figure - within the standard definitions of journalism practice in North America. Your distinguished career in licensed commercial broadcasting and various endeavors in regional politics and commentaries on regional issues ranging from politics to the media clearly qualify you for such consideration and we would be remiss in failing to note that distinction. But you already know this. We've listened to your talk radio shows. We've read your commentaries on regional issues.

And none of your thrashings over the situation with Poet and TCS will distract us from the attentions you have earned the hard harebrained way. Sputter "But-but-but, Poet! But-but-but, a$$hat$! But-but-but, ruining our fun!" all you like until your overgrown incisors need a veterinarian's attentions. Nothing in the Tales of Radio Paranoia blarg will be deleted. Because we are confident you understand free speech, parody and satire. You used to have an admirable station by the name of Radio Free Speech that employed those very same techniques in pursuit of a greater truth.

Meanwhile, virtually none of the persons you have targeted for your... attentions... shall we say, scurrilous diatribes?... would qualify as even limited public figures. The lone possible exception might be Mrs. Van Horn, but as we have attempted to assure you and Kracker repeatedly, she has had naught to do with Tales of Radio Paranoia.

By the by, dear fellow, we noticed your recent frantic revisions to the above cited WBNY blarg now include some new names. You should be aware that there is a strong possibility that one or more of those persons are free radio operators and have done absolutely nothing to merit your peculiarly expressed affections. We mention this only in the interest of helping you to avoid yet another embarrassing situation in which you have once again dropped dox and exposed others to the attentions of regulatory enforcement officers.

And, dear readers, we strongly suggest that in order to avoid such uninvited attentions from the Lagomurph, you may wish to join us in chanting... Good luck, buddy, I'm behind seven Boxxies!

---

News of the Now - for real
Still feeling a bit misogynistic?
International Freedom of Expression - IFEX members highlight risks faced by female journalists on International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.

Video of the Now
Still feeling like dropping dox and exposing real names, addresses and personal information about people who've done nothing to merit your angst?
StealthBadger soberly explains "Why You Don't Drop Dox"